Stephen Miller: ‘That I am an Asshole and Hate Myself Will Not be Questioned’

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Miller: Just wants a friend?

Stephen Miller, the senior advisor to President Donald Trump who has helped shape the White House’s position on immigration and other conservative policies, said today he hates himself and wishes he weren’t such an asshole but that he has stopped trying to be something he’s not and will continue to attach himself to power to make himself feel better.

“I’d like to have a friend, but I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to be friends with a dick like me, so I’ll just continue to be the biggest asshole I can be,” said Miller, 31.

Miller said he first discovered he was a butthole when he was a teenager. “I wanted a friend and found one in Wayne LaPierre [CEO of the National Rifle Association], and although I continue to be friendless, I’m working out my insecurities at the highest levels of power and that makes me feel better when I’m not eating dinner by myself at my lonely townhouse on Capitol Hill,” he said.

Miller, a former aide to Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) and Attorney General Jeff Sessions when he was a senator from Alabama, said that, like many arch-conservatives, his personal insecurities drive his unyielding opposition to lifestyles that others enjoy. “I’ve always been unsuccessful with women so of course I hate anything having to do with them,” he said. “I might even be gay, but I dare not think about that possibility. Of course, I’m the biggest wimp in the world, which is why I like guns so much. I’m afraid my real personality would emerge if I were stoned, so any kind of liberalization of that I can’t tolerate. I’d like to commit suicide, so I adamantly oppose letting people make decisions for themselves when they’re facing the end of their life. I can’t imagine ever having a family, so I hate abortion. Did I mention I think Stephen Bannon is cute? If I did, that shouldn’t have come out. Oh, why couldn’t I have been born someone else?”

To make himself feel better and to help keep his insecurities buried, Miller spends his days being an unyielding prick on TV on behalf of the President and his policies. “Since I’m unlikeable and unlovable, I will make myself the most hated and feared person in the United States,” he said. “It’s better than being ignored, I guess. But really all I want is a friend.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo: gs (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.

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