The two NFL referees who missed the pass interference call against Rams cornerback Nickell Robey-Coleman late in the fourth quarter in what would have been a critical play for New Orleans in the 2019 NFC conference championship game were named the game’s MVP recipients. The vote among judges was unanimous.
“The two referees were indisputably the most important factor in Los Angeles’ overtime win against New Orleans,” Peter Smith, who oversaw the voting for the MVP pick, said after conferring the award to the recipients, who the NFL asked not to be named to protect their safety.
“Although it’s unusual not to name the MVP winners, the circumstances in this NFC championship game warrant taking these extraordinary measures,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall said in a statement.
“We are pleased to be recognized for our contribution to the Rams’ victory,” one of the recipients said in a statement. “Well, not to be recognized recognized. But to be recognized.”
Saints quarterback Drew Brees said the MVP award went to the right people, but that doesn’t soften his disappointment in the call. “The Rams would probably not be going to Atlanta in two weeks without that call,” he said. “Still, it hurts like hell, I can’t lie.”
Brees said it doesn’t hurt as much as it hurts Saints receiver TommyLee Lewis, who is still recovering from the blow he sustained as he was preparing to catch the ball. “Are you my little pretty, Dorothy?” Lewis said from the locker room bench, from which he has been unable to rise since the end of the game. “I will get you and your little dog, too!”
With 1:45 left to play and the score tied at 20-20, Brees was about to hit Lewis with a well-thrown pass when Robey-Coleman slammed into the receiver in what three people in a remote Indonesian village watching the game on a 1982 Sony portable TV could clearly see was the most egregious example of pass interference in the last 10 years of American football. But the two referees within a few yards of the incident missed it, and apparently didn’t hear the sound of Lewis’ brain smashing against his skull inside his helmet, either.
“We stand by our non-call,” John Johnson, the head of the NFL’s referee corps, said in a statement. “The Superdome is a loud environment,” he said. “Brains do not make a lot of noise, certainly not enough to be heard against the din of the crowd even when they do hit against the inside of the skull. It’s time to move on.”
As of Midnight last night, Lewis was still trying to get up from the bench. “Can the wizard really give me a brain, Dorothy?” he said. “Surely you will think more of me when you hear the splendid thoughts my new brain is going to turn out and we go back to Kansas. Wait, are we in Kansas? The Patriots are in Kansas. Oh, my brain. My brain.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
America’s foremost car enthusiast magazine, Car and Driver, is now called Car, the publisher announced. “The world is rapidly moving toward a driverless future, and Car is leading the trend as it always has when it was Car and Driver,” says Addie Elterman, the magazine’s editor. Elterman says the magazine will have the same exciting content only the focus will be on things that don’t have anything to do with driving a car. “Are your seats comfortable? Is there plenty of onboard entertainment? We want to make sure our readers are prepared for the driverless future and remain the trendsetters,” Elterman says. More.
Traditional taxicab companies are trying to persuade riders to leave Uber and Lyft and return to good old-fashioned cab companies because people can use them without having to reveal their location and destination to companies that sell that data on the web. “When you take a cab, no one has to know where you were when you got picked up and where you were when you got dropped off,” said Sayed Abdullah, a driver with Yellow Cab in Washington, D.C. “You get in the cab, you tell the driver to go to a club on M Street, and who’s going to know?” Vladimir Kovakovich, an independent cab driver in Chicago, said people are flocking to his cab because they know they can go anywhere in the city without a single bit of personal data getting out on the dark web. “I can tell you that, if you’re doing something you don’t want others to know, you can’t beat hailing a cab and putting cash in the driver’s hand,” he said. “Plus, we offer TV in the backseat. More.
Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez would neither confirm nor deny that party leaders are quietly courting a shark to run against President Donald Trump in 2020 should he run for reelection, as he’s expected to do. “All I can say is, we have many potential candidates who are the right person to lead our country at an important time in our history and who are well positioned to defeat our historically unpopular President,” Perez said when asked today about whether his organization is in talks with a shark to run against the President. Rumors that the DNC is courting a shark surfaced this week when Rep. Seth Moulton (D-Mass.), an up and coming lawmaker who is said to be contemplating a run for president in 2020, accused the DNC of treating him and other potential candidates like “plankton and krill” who are “nothing more than calories to be filtered through the open mouths of a basking shark.” More.
Mitt Romney, the former GOP presidential nominee and governor of Massachusetts, has announced he’s running for the seat of retiring U.S. Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah. “We need more Utah values in the federal government,” Romney said in his announcement video. He defined “Utah values” as taking bold stands that win admiring praise. “What we want are the kind of grandstanding statements that make people think you have a spine before you show them you don’t.” Romney pointed to his success disavowing his biggest achievement as governor of Massachusetts by saying his market-based approach to providing health insurance to everyone in the state was a mistake. “Had I known it would generate criticism from Republicans outside of Massachusetts I never would have implemented that successful program,” he said. Romney said he thinks he can prevail in heavily Republican Utah in part because he has the endorsement of President Trump. More.
Tech Companies Looking to Replace More Simple, Effective Tools with Complicated, Expensive Smart Technology That Never Works
HouzSecure, a Silicon Valley start-up that made a splash last year with release of its smart door opener, says it’s launching other products that never work, are hard to program, and increase the chances people’s account numbers will be sold to criminal enterprises around the world. “Our smart door opener showed people, while they’re at work or on vacation, the freedom of having their home security system hacked by someone in Poland and their data sold to someone in Russia,” HouzSecure CEO Hunter Duncan said. “What we want to do now is take other overly simplistic and reliable household devices, like doorstops, and replace them with smart technology that no one will know how to use a week after it’s installed and unintentionally acts like a beacon to hackers around the world to come in and make a grab for your personal information.” More.
The mother of John Thune (R-S.D.), the third-ranking Republican in the U.S. Senate, says he needs to put some meat on his bones so he doesn’t blow away when a strong wind kicks up. “Is he getting enough to eat?” his mother says. “I bet he’s not eating breakfast.” His mother says she sees him on TV and she can tell he probably didn’t eat the potato rolls she sent him last week. “His aunt brought those rolls home from Pennsylvania,” she says. “The man she bought them from was very nice. The rolls were good. He should eat them instead of letting them get stale.” More.
GREENVILLE, S.C.—Deja Vu was bustling on Monday night but many of the men at the strip club weren’t enjoying the star attraction’s dance routine. The club was featuring Stormy Daniels, the newly famous stripper who allegedly was paid $130,000 before the 2016 presidential election to keep quiet about an affair she had with Donald Trump after his youngest son was born. But instead of being treated to a dance routine involving booty shakes, the men got what looked like a complex interpretive dance routine. “I’m not sure, but I think she was trying to tell a story or something,” said Jake Snyder, a regular at the club. More.
Fresh off its controversy for allegedly using under-inflated footballs to win its AFC championship game two weeks ago, the New England Patriots are again under an ethical spotlight for allegedly using over-inflated footballs to beat the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 in last weekend’s Super Bowl XLIX matchup. “We have very clear visual evidence that the New England Patriots used footballs that were inflated far above the regulation level of 12.5 to 13.5 pounds per square inch (psi) in their game last Sunday, so we are officially investigating this potential violation of National Football League rules,” says NFL Executive Vice President Jay Pesh. Over-inflated balls are considered easier to see, a potential advantage for a team like the Patriots, which relies heavily on its passing game. More.
The widely reported “deflate-gate” scandal in which the New England Patriots allegedly used under-inflated footballs to gain an edge in their AFC championship game against the Indianapolis Colts last week was conceived and executed by scientists as a way to “make physics sexy” and “get the country talking about physics,” according to a memo that’s surfaced during the NFL’s investigation of the Patriots’ ball-handling practices. “We’re still looking into this, but if it’s true, it’s shocking news to say the least,” says NFL Executive Vice President Jay Pesh. “I want to caution that we are still in the middle of our investigation, which we promise will be thorough and fair. What we’re doing now is looking at the source of this memo, talking with people who are familiar with this memo, so that we can determine what the appropriate next steps will be.” More.
The National Football League is accusing New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady of deflating the ego of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in yet another charge against the four-time Super Bowl championship team. “We have very strong reasons to be believe New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady conspired with Richard Berman, the presiding judge of the U.S. District Court of the Southern District of New York, to do irreparable harm to the reputation of National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, and on the basis of evidence we have, we are launching an investigation into this potential violation of League rules,” says NFL Spokesperson Marisa Miller. More.
LONDON—Some of the world’s top women tennis players say their game has struggled as they try to keep their new Nike tennis dress from interfering with their shots, but they also love the way the dress doubles as lingerie for later that night. “Anytime I can pack one dress instead of two while I’m on the road I’m happy,” says Ivana Sveltka, the top-ranked Moldovan player gearing up for the second round at Wimbledon this week. “Being able to play in the dress during the day and then slip it on at night as a comfortable nightie is just wonderful.” The dress, which Nike-sponsored players are required to wear under their sponsorship agreements with the company, breaks the mold in tennis attire by replacing the standard skirt and top design with a single, loose fitting dress that’s notable for its high cut and willowy fabric. More.