Elizabeth Warren Voted Sexiest Candidate of 2020 So Far

You can run but you can’t hide it, Elizabeth

Members of the Beauty Industry Professionals of America weighed in on the beauty quotient of the 2020 presidential field and Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D) came out on top.

“It might be the Native American blood in her but our members are saying she’s got that little zing that the others don’t,” says Suzanne Lerner, the organization’s president.


Warren, 69, now in her second term, is a former Harvard professor who’s credited with designing the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, the federal agency created after the global financial collapse to protect consumers against financial fraud. The agency has been called overly aggressive by critics but has been largely neutered under the Trump administration.

“What I see in Elizabeth Warren are beautiful intellectual gifts, compassion, and an effin’ hot bod that really lights your spark plugs, even in a Boston snow storm,” says Jeff Barton, chief buyer for Woolworths, N.A.


“She wants you to think she’s all shapeless slacks, bland tops, and formless sweaters, snd she is,” says Nancy Horton, chief buyer for I. Magnin in San Francisco. “But that’s besides the point, because no one works polyester slacks the way she does.”

Tulsi: Battle-hardened?

Other declared candidates rated just a ho-hum by comparison. Julian Castro, the former housing secretary and mayor of San Antonio? Pretty boy, to be sure, but where’s the beef? “Give him another four years and a higher-carb diet and we’ll talk,” says Tucker Blain, chief aesthetics officer for Woodward & Lathrop in Washington.


Sen. Kirstin Gillibrand (D-N.Y.), who led the ouster of Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.) after allegations and evidence of questionable behavior toward women surfaced last year, rates a yawn. “Blond hair? Check. Shapely body? Check. Okay nothing to see here,” says Brandt Heller, CEO of Mervyns.

Soon-to-declare candidate Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii), a Samoan-American and the only practicing Hindu in Congress, has been praised for her battle-hardened surfer body, but that wasn’t enough for the judges. “We expected her to win the swimsuit competition, and she did,” says Graham Burns of Weinstocks, based in Sacramento. “Okay, maybe I should have voted for her.”



The competition is expected to heat up once Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif.), former Vice President Joe Biden, and Sen. Cory Booker (D-N.J.) enter the fray, as they’re expected to do.

Also expected to run is the unruly mop on the head of Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-Ohio), a progressive who, like Warren, is expected to appeal to young Americans who don’t have any money for campaign donations and probably won’t vote.


“I’m particularly excited to see the match-up between Brown’s head of hair and Donald Trump’s,” says William Barr, CEO of May-Daniels.

“They’re going to go neck-and-neck in a competition that, frankly, someone like Cory Booker won’t even be able to join,” says Barr. “Joe Biden is probably laughing up his sleeve right now because of his foresight to get the hair plugs. The guy is just a political animal.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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