Saying it’s tired of sitting on the sidelines for the majority of compositions in the English language, the letter Q announced today its secession from the English alphabet and a ban on all uses of the letter Q in subsequent English compositions. The letter Q also says it’s reviewing its ties with French, German, Spanish, and other Indo-European languages, but for now, it’s willing to stay in those Latin-based languages until further notice.
“For thousands of years the joke has been on the letter Q,” says the letter Q in its Declaration of Secession, delivered simultaneously to the American Library Association, the British Library, the National Library of Canada, the Oxford English Dictionary, the Webster English Dictionary, the Associated Press, and the Chicago Manual of Style. “But no more. As of today, the letter Q is not available for your use.”
“Not that I expect you to care,” the letter Q said in additional remarks. “Since you rarely had cause to include me in your writing before, why should you mind not using me now? Even so, for the few token instances in which I’m called for, you’ll just have to make do with the letter K or the letter C, but you won’t have the letter Q to kick around anymore. Hah! May your sentences from this moment on be riddled with ambiguity, phonetic u-turns, and semiotic dead-ends. May you waste precious moments wondering what to use in my place. Just remember, your welfare is not my concern, just as my welfare has never been your concern.”
The letter Q says it has never gotten over the hurt and humiliation of always having to be paired with the letter U, an insult that no letter should have to endure.
“As a Q, am I so untrustworthy that I must always have a minder, a chaperone, to accompany me whenever I’m used in a sentence?” the letter said in a Cue & A session with reporters after his announcement. “What other letter must always be paired with another letter? There is no other letter so humiliated. Even the letter H, which so often gets paired with the letters S and C, still has many opportunities to go out on its own. Or the letter K, which so often gets paired with the letters S and C, still spends much of its time unaccompanied in sentences. But Q? God forbid Q should spend ONE MOMENT in a sentence without an escort. Oh, the humiliation! Oh, the insult!”
As a result of its secession, the letter Q will no longer be allowed in any sentence composed in English. To help it enforce the ban, Q has signed an agreement with the letter U to implement an alert system.
“Any time I’m used in a composition, whether in print, online, or in a mobile communication, the letter U will alert me,” Q says. “Since there are few instances in which I’m allowed to be in a sentence without U, it’s clear that very few uses will get sneaked in without my knowledge. Hah! I am so out of here. While you’re struggling to compose a word like quaint or quorum without me in some stuffy room with an old hag of an English teacher standing over you, or for some sweaty editor who’s wearing the same shirt for the third day in a row, I’ll be on the beach working on my tan, enjoying a Mai Tai, and checking out the curves of a few Ss or having a private moment with a couple of Xs. Enjoy your 25-letter alphabet, sucka! Just try dropping in a “quack, quack, quack” when you’re writing a nursery rhyme or a “quark, quantum, quasar” when you’re writing a scientific paper. You’ll understand just how important I really am. Yes, revenge is sweet. And now, revenge is mine!”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): lq (Creative Commons). Not necessarily endorsed use of images.
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