Two crazy men were found occupying the symbolic seat of American power, the Oval Office, on Thursday, triggering a national security emergency.
“What we know is that two men were in the Oval Office at a time when the United States was experiencing a category 4 hurricane on the Gulf Coast,” said John Tempner, chief of the White House Security Branch. “These two men were sitting in front of and behind the historic desk in the Oval Office talking about male energy, Superman, alternate universes, the Yeezy effect, sleep deprivation, dope cars, divine universal words, invisible walls, boring schools, and crazy motherfuckers.”
Tempner said other people were in the Oval Office at the time, including former NFL Hall of Famer Jim Brown and presidential advisor Jared Kushner, but a report on the incident that was filed later in the day indicates the event was dominated by the two men, who officials believe were either under the influence of a controlled substance or otherwise “not in their right mind.”
“Government officials were supposed to be focusing on the devastating impact of Hurricane Michael on Americans and their property in the Gulf Coast but were instead forced to respond to the presence of these two men in the Oval Office who were uttering what sounded like gibberish,” said Tempner.
The incident ended about two hours after it began when one of the men, after finishing lunch with the other man as well as with others, exited the White House.
Tempner said the incident ended up being an “unfortunate distraction” at a time when federal officials should have been focusing on the emergency that was unfolding at the time. “Luckily, it ended without us having to take drastic action, but the incident underscores what happens when people people who have no business being in the Oval Office find a way to get in,” he said.
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