The combover of President Donald Trump has come out forcefully against rumors that it is the anonymous White House official who penned a New York Times editorial slamming the president for erratic, unprincipled decision-making while offering reassurances that adults are watching over the country’s safety.
“Although I disagree with the president on some matters, I am not the anonymous official who has written the editorial,” Trump’s combover said today.
The combover, which has been part of Donald Trump’s head since he started going bald in the late 1980s, took the additional step of calling for an investigation to identify the writer. “Anyone who works for this president has an obligation to do his or her work above board and not try to hide or cover anything up,” the combover said.
President Trump came to his combover’s defense, saying it is second only to his brain in who he turns to for advice on his most important decisions. “I look to my brain first and foremost,” he says. “I talk to myself and say things. But I talk to my combover next. It’s covering my brain. The two know each other well. They’re of the same mind on many things.”
Trump and his combover have not always seen eye-to-eye. Among other things, his combover wanted the president to impose more demands on North Korean President Kim Jung-un before signing any statement of cooperation with the dictator. “It’s a hair-brained scheme,” the combover wrote at the time.
White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said the president has given his full support to his combover and said there was no truth to the rumor that he would be leaving his combover in Washington when he travels for his next rally with supporters. “Americans expect to see the president’s hair on his head and that’s what they will see at his next rally,” Sanders said. “There’s no daylight between his head and his combover. They will both be at the rally. The idea that his hair will not be with him is fake news at its worst.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
A report by the Kleinbaum Institute of Forensic Sciences at Columbia University says there’s a good chance President Donald Trump has been hiding his bald spot in his taxes since 1995 and maybe even as far back as 1991. “As a presidential candidate, Donald Trump was willing to risk losing the election by refusing to do what presidential candidates have been doing for the last 40 years: release their tax returns,” says William Berger, professor of forensic sciences at Columbia and the director of the Kleinbaum Institute. “The question that has intrigued Americans and even people around the world for the past 18 months is, why? We think we know why.” Berger says it’s understandable people think Trump is trying to hide embarrassing financial matters by keeping his taxes out of the public spotlight. More.
With his inauguration approaching, President-elect Donald Trump has asked a group of scientists to determine how much hair spray he’ll need to keep his famous combover in place during his inauguration speech, which traditionally takes place outdoors. The group has been meeting for almost a week and more meetings are planned between now and inauguration as it tries to nail down the precise amount he’ll need given the unpredictability of the weather in Washington in January. “It’s a challenging task,” said Jeffrey Barnes, professor emeritus of chemical engineering at the Stanford School of Engineering in Palo Alto, Calif. “Wind, rain, snow, cold temperatures—there are a lot of unknowns come inauguration day that could play havoc on what is arguably the most famous combover in the world.” More.
Fresh from his stinging defeat for the Republican presidential nomination, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) is applying lessons learned as he embarks on his bid to stay in the U.S. Senate. “Although I’m disappointed I didn’t do better against Donald Trump, I can say I’ve learned valuable lessons from him during the race and I plan to apply those lessons to my race to remain Florida’s senator.” Among the lessons learned, he says, is the need to question President Barack Obama’s agenda, and, by extension, Hillary Clinton’s agenda. “Barack Obama wants to make fundamental changes to what America is, the kind of country it is,” he says. “Barack Obama knows exactly what he’s doing, and so does Hillary Clinton.” More.
Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he hasn’t started arranging his combover in a different way to reflect the surge in popularity of Hillary Clinton now that she has amassed enough delegates to be his Democratic opponent in the general election this fall. “Crooked Hillary will be in jail before she’s the Democratic nominee, so I can assure you I haven’t changed anything about my hair,” Trump said at a campaign stop in San Diego this morning. “I’ve been combing it the same way since I was 30 years old. And you know why? Because it’s perfect the way it is. Even the Mexicans love it. They wish they could have my hair. And maybe they can someday, if they behave themselves.” More.
The combover of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump has been storing tens of millions of dollars in offshore bank accounts in Panama since 2006 in an alleged effort to avoid paying federal taxes, a report on the so-called Panama Papers by the International Coalition of Investigative Journalists claims. “Working under the name ‘Andre Smooth,’ the combover of Donald Trump has diverted between $4 million and $7 million each year since 2006 in a Panama-based holding company, Smooth, LLC, that otherwise claims no assets,” says the report, released yesterday as part of a rising tide of disclosures coming out of the investigation of some 11.5 million documents leaked from the Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca. More.
LONDON—After a raucous parliamentary debate, members of the House of Commons voted to allow the combover of Donald Trump into Great Britain, should he be elected president of the United States, but Trump himself was not welcome. “We do not want to hold Donald Trump’s bigotry and nativism against his hair,” said Gavin Blair, an MP from the southwest district of London. Nigel Robinson, an MP from Birmingham, argued that the hair should be banned as well, but his argument left many unconvinced. “I made my case and I lost, and I accept that,” he said. “But I do believe his hair should not be allowed to get off scot free in this debate. My apologies to the Scots, who I hope won’t try to secede again.” More.
Defying the Republican party establishment and even the person on whose head it sits, the combover of Republican presidential nomination frontrunner emphatically refused to give a blanket endorsement to whomever the party nominee turns out to be. “Unless the Republican presidential nominee in 2016 is someone I respect and trust with the awesome duties of the office of the president of the United States, I cannot sit here today on this head and say I will back the person who is ultimately nominated,” the combover said in a statement issued by a spokesperson. That position goes against the position of Donald Trump, the man on whose head the combover has sat for decades and who earlier this week promised to back the eventual Republican nominee. More.
The closely watched combover of Donald Trump has been sending sexually suggestive tweets and photos to several of its Twitter followers, federal investigators allege. If true, that could imperil the Republican presidential nomination frontrunner’s candidacy, analysts say. Jerome Casing, chief of social media security at the FBI’s Criminal, Cyber, Response, and Services Branch, says his team has been tracking the combover since April, when it received a tip from one of the hair’s followers that it has been embedding unwanted photos in innuendo-laden tweets. “All I can say is, we’re talking to the combover of Mr. Trump at this time about matters concerning communications on the Internet,” says Casing. “Beyond that we have no comment.” More.
Why does Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump maintain an elaborate combover rather than embrace his receding hairline? Investigators have provided a possible answer to that question by conducting an x-ray analysis of his forehead and revealing a tattooed image of long-time Trump nemesis Rosie O’Donnell, the TV personality and liberal political activist whom Trump has called “fat” and a “pig.” “This is truly an unexpected finding,” says Albert Sherzberg, professor of macro x-ray fluorescence spectroscopy at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, who led the research effort. “I think I speak for many when I say I did not expect to find a tattoo of Rosie O’Donnell under Trump’s combover.” More.
An explosive photo leaked by the Associated Press today shows a poster of Fox News reporter Megyn Kelly in the bedroom of the iconic combover of Republican presidential nominee frontrunner Donald Trump. The poster depicts Kelly, the veteran TV journalist who sparred with Trump during the first Republican nomination debate last month in Cleveland over the real estate mogul’s treatment of women, framed in images of butterflies and love hearts. She is fully clothed. Since the debate, Kelly and Trump have been locked in a contentious public relations battle over their testy exchange, during which Trump had admitted calling TV host and political activist Rosie McDonnell “fat” and a “pig.” More.
Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology released a paper yesterday cracking the physics behind the combover of Republican presidential nominee frontrunner Donald Trump and say the famous hairstyle stands as one of the most complex creations of mankind. “An amazing piece of work, a testament to the beauty of complex systems and of the world around us,” says Reynolds Aimsworth, professor of physics and mathematics at MIT and the lead author of the paper. Aimsworth says the combover is based on an inversion of a positive tangent-secant radian, something scientists didn’t believe was possible.” More.
The famous combover of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump has been having an affair with lesbian comedian and activist Rosie O’Donnell and continues to meet with the TV personality on a weekly basis, investigators say. “We can confirm that regular meetings between the combover and the comedian are occurring and have been occurring for several years,” says David Rosten, an attorney who has been retained by Fox News to look into allegations of the affair. Donald Trump is married, although his combover is not. Roger Stone, a long-time associate of Trump who is now working independently of the candidate, says he’s also looked into the affair and is seeking media outlets to discuss his findings because American voters have a right to know about this important allegation. More.
The combover of 2016 Republican presidential nominee contender Donald Trump is being hailed as a war hero for saving an injured soldier during the Iraq war. “There’s a very real chance that Private Benjamin Carter, a gunnery specialist with the 1st Battalion 7th Marines that helped librate Baghdad in 2003, would not be here today if it weren’t for the comb-over of Donald Trump,” says Major Bill Nelson of the U.S. Marine Corps. “People today throw around the word ‘hero’ loosely. But I can say without qualification that Trump’s combover is indeed a true Amercan hero.” The comb-over, which has been part of Trump’s head since he started losing his hair in the late 1990s, was on tour in Iraq with the 1st Battalion 7th Marines as a private contractor. More.
The iconic combover of real estate billionaire and 2016 presidential aspirant Donald Trump is under investigation by U.S. immigration authorities on suspicion of being in the United States illegally. “We can only confirm that the combover of Donald Trump is a thing of interest to the United States concerning its immigration status and beyond that we have no comment,” John Goodman, director of fraud detection and national security for the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS), says in statement released by the agency today. April Sayers, a spokesperson for Trump, calls the allegation ridiculous. “Mr. Trump eagerly awaits the agency’s report and certainly expects his hair to be exonerated,” she says. More.
Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort is accused of withholding fees last week from the team of lawyers defending him from bank and tax fraud charges so he could buy a $2.1 million home in McLean, Va. The charges, filed today by Kevin Downing, Manafort’s lead defense lawyer, says he and six other lawyers were due to be paid $57,000 for their legal work on Manafort’s behalf for the last two weeks but the money instead went to American Title Company as an earnest money deposit on the 2,000-square-foot house, which would be Manafort’s 14th. Downing says he hopes to settle the dispute amicably outside of court, but he’s filing the charges to put Manafort on notice that the long-time political operative and international campaign consultant must pay his legal bills. More.
Former Donald Trump lawyer and personal fixer Michael Cohen says he stands by his assertion more than a year ago that he would take a bullet for his former boss unless it was fired from a gun and he was in its path. “I’m not one of those people who will turn on Trump,” Cohen told reporters today. “When I said I would take a bullet for him, I meant it.”* Cohen, who is under investigation by federal prosecutors in New York for bank fraud and election law violations, released a tape to CNN last week that appears to implicate Trump in an effort to stifle publication of story that he had an affair with a former Playboy model, Karen McDougal. If the allegation is proven, it could be an election law violation because it represents an undisclosed expenditure to influence the 2016 presidential election by preventing negative news coming out on him close to the election. More.
In an explosive development, President Trump’s long-time lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen can be heard in a secretly recorded phone conversation asking then-candidate Trump for his PIN so he can make a $150,000 payment to former Playboy playmate Karen McDougal, who was about to publish an account of her year-long affair with the real estate mogul in the National Enquirer. “Is it 1457 or 1754?” Cohen can be heard asking Trump in the 2016 recording, one of several Cohen made of his conversations with Trump and which were seized by the FBI in a raid of his properties earlier this year. “I had it written down but I can’t find my cheat sheet.” More.
White Power Can’t Be Stopped Unless It’s Raining and There are Counter-Protesters, Jason Kessler Says
The Unite the Right rally in front of the White House on Aug. 12, the one-year anniversary of the Charlottesville rally that resulted in the death of a counter-protester, shows how far the white nationalist movement has pushed into the mainstream, says the event’s organizer, Jason Kessler. “What we were able to show today, until the rain kicked in, is that the time has come for white Americans to act boldly and reassert their place at the top of western society,” Kessler said while he and the 23 other rally-goers rode in a police van back to the subway after concluding their rally. Kessler said white people have always been the dominate race because of their natural superiority and that dynamic would have been evident at the rally today except that too many counter-protesters were there. More.
President Trump has asked his legal team to settle on terms for him to sit down with special prosecutor Robert Mueller, who is leading a rigged witch hunt to discredit the Trump presidency and make Democrats feel better about Hillary Clinton losing the presidency. The New York Times and The Washington Post this weekend reported that Trump asked his lawyers to agree on terms for an interview with Mueller and the 17 other witch hunters. “Jay and Rudy don’t want the president to sit down for an interview with Mueller, because they’re concerned he could wander into legal jeopardy,” a White House source is quoted in The Washington Post as saying. More.