Former Donald Trump lawyer and personal fixer Michael Cohen says he stands by his assertion more than a year ago that he would take a bullet for his former boss unless it was fired from a gun and he was in its path. “I’m not one of those people who will turn on Trump,” Cohen told reporters today. “When I said I would take a bullet for him, I meant it, and I continue to mean it now. That doesn’t count bullets that are about to kill me, though. I have to think of my family. I’m no good to them if a bullet is going to end my life. So, is there a qualifier to my assertion? You might call it that, but it’s a qualifier that anyone would apply to themselves. That is, anyone who’s not stupid.”
Cohen, who is under investigation by federal prosecutors in New York for bank fraud and election law violations, released a tape to CNN last week that appears to implicate Trump in an effort to stifle publication of story that he had an affair with a former Playboy model, Karen McDougal. If the allegation is proven, it could be an election law violation because it represents an undisclosed expenditure to influence the 2016 presidential election by preventing negative news coming out on him close to the election.
Reportedly, many other conversations that could be incriminating to Trump were recorded by Cohen, and he’s also said that he was in the room when Trump was told upfront that the Russians had asked for a meeting with Trump’s son and other campaign officials. If so, that could be used against Trump in the federal investigation into collusion between his campaign and Russia, an enemy of the United States.
Cohen said he’s taken many bullets for Trump over the years, and he would take one now as long as it’s not pointing in his direction. “That’s the difference between me and other people who’ve been in Trump’s orbit over the years,” he said. “They won’t take a bullet for him. But I will.”*
* Some restrictions apply.
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd, and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
In an explosive development, President Trump’s long-time lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen can be heard in a secretly recorded phone conversation asking then-candidate Trump for his PIN so he can make a $150,000 payment to former Playboy playmate Karen McDougal, who was about to publish an account of her year-long affair with the real estate mogul in the National Enquirer. “Is it 1457 or 1754?” Cohen can be heard asking Trump in the 2016 recording, one of several Cohen made of his conversations with Trump and which were seized by the FBI in a raid of his properties earlier this year. “I had it written down but I can’t find my cheat sheet.” More.
Besieged former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen says he should get the soundproof phone booth in the EPA director’s office now that Scott Pruitt has resigned from that position because no one on earth needs a secure place to make phone calls more than he does. “I’ve got a dozen prosecutors poring through every computer, laptop, tablet, and phone I own,” Cohen complained to reporters this morning. “If I had a carrier pigeon they’d be searching its legs for private messages. I need that friggin’ phone booth.” Cohen, who worked as Trump’s fixer for more than a dozen years and is at the center of an investigation into payments he made to women to keep them quiet about alleged sexual encounters they had with the president before he took office, says he’s owed at least the phone booth since he basically got nothing out of Trump’s 2016 election victory. More.
Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort is accused of withholding fees last week from the team of lawyers defending him from bank and tax fraud charges so he could buy a $2.1 million home in McLean, Va. The charges, filed today by Kevin Downing, Manafort’s lead defense lawyer, says he and six other lawyers were due to be paid $57,000 for their legal work on Manafort’s behalf for the last two weeks but the money instead went to American Title Company as an earnest money deposit on the 2,000-square-foot house, which would be Manafort’s 14th. Downing says he hopes to settle the dispute amicably outside of court, but he’s filing the charges to put Manafort on notice that the long-time political operative and international campaign consultant must pay his legal bills. More.
President Donald Trump said he can’t believe how beautiful his wife Melania looked when Barack Obama leaned over and made her smile at the funeral of former First Lady Barbara Bush April 21. “The beautiful First Lady Melania Trump looked radiant at Barbara Bush funeral,” Trump tweeted on Sunday morning, the day after the funeral. “Must give credit to Obama, even though he left me with mess in White House and almost ruined America before I came in and made country great again.” Trump said his wife smiles at him all the time and he called rumors of her being upset for his alleged affairs with prostitutes, porn stars, and playmates overblown. “Melania knows the stories aren’t true . . . . More.
An explosive report from the New York Times to be released today reveals why Nikki Haley, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, remains one of the few Trump appointees to escape the president’s wrath when things go wrong in his administration: he’s bound by a non-disclosure agreement with the popular former governor of South Carolina. “I can neither confirm nor deny that the president has signed a non-disclosure agreement with Ambassador Haley,” says a White House official who spoke on condition of anonymity. “You’ll have to ask the president that, because I am not at liberty to talk about matters relating to non-disclosure agreements between the president and the people who work for him. Perhaps I’d like to talk about it, but perhaps I can’t.” More.
that the First Lady reversed her plans to attend the world economic summit at Davos, Switzerland, after learning Nikki Haley, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, would be there. “Reports that the First Lady was planning to attend Davos and backed out only because Ambassador Haley was attending are not true and should be corrected immediately,” Graham says. “The First Lady has a scheduling conflict that is preventing her from attending Davos, which she was very much looking forward to doing.” Davos is the annual gathering of the world’s business elites and thought leaders to discuss the state of global economics, technology, and culture. Rumors have been multiplying in recent days that Haley and President Trump are carrying on an affair and that the First Lady only learned of it after Michael Wolff, author of the blockbuster book Fire and Fury, hinted about it in his TV interviews. More.
Melania’s Body Double Speaks Out, Says She’s Repeatedly Asked Donald to Provide a Body Double at Night
First Lady Melania Trump’s body double, Nika Horvath, came forward today to confirm her role as a stand-in for the First Lady after her identity was revealed by childhood friends who saw her on TV while Donald Trump spoke about the Iranian nuclear agreement. “It is not my favor to be in public eye in this manner but I cannot hide from the knowledge now and so I speak out,” says Horvath, who, like Melania Trump, was born in Novo Mesto, Slovenia, in 1970. Horvath, a fashion model who has worked mainly in Eastern Europe and parts of Northern Africa, says she and the First Lady became friends in elementary school in part because they looked so much alike. “The people they would comment on our physical characters and they put us together and that was good because we like each other, yes, right from the beginning days,” she said. More.
GREENVILLE, S.C.—Deja Vu was bustling on Monday night but many of the men at the strip club weren’t enjoying the star attraction’s dance routine. The club was featuring Stormy Daniels, the newly famous stripper who allegedly was paid $130,000 before the 2016 presidential election to keep quiet about an affair she had with Donald Trump after his youngest son was born. But instead of being treated to a dance routine involving booty shakes, the men got what looked like a complex interpretive dance routine. “I’m not sure, but I think she was trying to tell a story or something,” said Jake Snyder, a regular at the club. More.
Kellyanne Conway, one of the most visible defenders of Donald Trump’s presidency, says photos of her in a bikini are “alternative facts” that are being spread on the Internet to try to take the focus off the things the Trump administration is doing, like accusing President Barack Obama of wire tapping Trump Towers, using the presidency to spread accusations about Muslim attacks in Sweden, and saying immigration curbs are needed because of a massacre in Bowling Green, Ky. “I have clearly been photoshopped into images of other women to hurt Donald Trump by demeaning me as a person,” said Conway, 50. “It’s a personal attack on my character that’s been put forward without regard to the truth and without regard to the long-term impact this will have on our democracy, our shared trust in our institutions, and our credibility as a nation.” More.
In a sensational claim, the supermarket tabloid Weekly National Report says a 50-year-old woman in Fayetteville, Ark., Dannielle Eggles, is the daughter of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and she’s demanding a “White House bedroom” for her and her husband if he is elected president. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I feel I must come forward because it’s time for my daddy to stop pretending I don’t exist,” Eggles said at a press conference in Fayetteville yesterday. Eggles, a clerk at Target, said she had resigned herself to living in the shadow of her famous father and her glamorous half brothers and sisters, but six months ago she and her husband, Ron Eggles, decided she could no longer do that. “We just thought it wasnt fair that Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, Donald, Jr., and Barron all get to live the high life while we have to scrape our fingers to the bone just because daddy pretends I don’t exist.” More.
NEW YORK CITY—Dan Peeker, publisher of the National Midnight Star, said at a journalism conference here yesterday he won’t let his friendship with Donald Trump bias his coverage of the general election between Trump and Hillary Clinton. “Hillary’s dishonesty makes her a tempting target, but I can assure you all the stories we’ve pre-written about her flaws are objective,” says Peeker, 63. Peeker has been chairman and CEO of U.S. A. Publications, which owns the National Midnight Star, since 1990, and critics say he’s using his publication as a tool to help his golf buddy win the presidency. It was his tabloid that broke the April 3 story of Ted Cruz’s affairs with five prominent Republican political women, which hurt the Texas senator in Wisconsin, and it broke the April 19 piece about . . . More.