Canada Should Adopt American-style Gun Laws, Some Dead People Say

Tragedy in Toronto

Several Americans rose from the dead after the tragic shooting in Toronto last week to urge Canadians to “get some mojo” and replace their “lame” gun laws with the kind of laws that give the United States the bragging rights of a true gunslinger.

“Nothing will get the testosterone flowing like a few ‘Stand Your Ground’ laws in Ontario, Alberta, or British Columbia,” said Tucker Hawley, a Dallas lawyer who became a dead American last year when he was shot at a shopping mall.

Hawley said he was a little freaked out after he was killed, along with several others, by a man whose social media posts suggests he had trouble talking to women. But once he got over the shock of being shot, he found his new life as a dead man not that bad. He never really liked to work anyway.

Dead person: ‘Where’s the swagger?’

“Going from being alive to being dead probably isn’t easy for anyone,” said Hawley. “I can tell you, it wasn’t easy for me. But once you get over that hump, you know—that tough transition period—it’s really not that bad. It’s like being stoned and you lose track of time and kind of don’t really exist in the world anymore. If you like that kind of thing, it can be kind of cool. Not every day, of course, although you really don’t think in terms of days when you’re dead. It’s kind of hard to explain.”

The July 22 shooting in the Greektown district of Toronto, which left two people dead and 13 injured, took Canadians by surprise because their country has largely avoided American-style gun violence, although the number of shooting incidences has increased in recent years. Faisal Hussain, 29, a Toronto resident who was killed in the spree, has been named as the gunman by police.

John Peters, a dead American who was shot in 2016 by a man who posted a rambling manifesto on his Facebook account the night before he took four lives in a shooting spree at a department store, said being killed in the prime of your life is the price you pay to live in a country that knows how to put a little strut in its step. “Sure, you would probably be safer if your country was, like, ‘Oooh, guns are bad!’ but if you want to live in a country that’s, like, ‘Dude, you flipped off the wrong person!’ then, yeah, you have to accept some carnage, some collateral damage.”

Peters exhorted Canada to “grow some balls” and stop acting like Europeans “dancing around in their ballet tights.”

Peter called out Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau for supporting a proposal by the Toronto mayor to make gun ownership illegal in urban areas except for those with special clearance. “Yo, Trudeau, nice pink slippers you got on! Are you going to wear a tutu, too?”

Other Americans rose from the dead to make their case for easing, rather than tightening, control over guns. “If you take away guns, only criminals will have guns,” said Casey Nelson, who was shot in 2015 when he was eating lunch at a food court in Atlanta. Nelson said he was packing a gun at the time, but he fumbled trying to get it out of his holster and was shot before he could stop the shooter. “I got to say, no matter how much you practice at home, even in front of a mirror, you never know how it’s going to go when you’re actually confronting an active shooter,” he said. “Do I wish I would have handled my gun better? Of course, but I didn’t and here I am.”

Alex Carter, a Toronto resident who says he supports strengthening restrictions on gun ownership, said he’s not impressed by the Americans’ arguments. “You know, you’re dead,” he said. “Come back and talk to me when you’re alive. As long as you’re dead, I’m not really persuaded by your arguments.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd, and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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