Several Americans rose from the dead after the tragic shooting in Toronto last week to urge Canadians to “get some mojo” and replace their “lame” gun laws with the kind of laws that give the United States the bragging rights of a true gunslinger.
“Nothing will get the testosterone flowing like a few ‘Stand Your Ground’ laws in Ontario, Alberta, or British Columbia,” said Tucker Hawley, a Dallas lawyer who became a dead American last year when he was shot at a shopping mall.
Hawley said he was a little freaked out after he was killed, along with several others, by a man whose social media posts suggests he had trouble talking to women. But once he got over the shock of being shot, he found his new life as a dead man not that bad. He never really liked to work anyway.
“Going from being alive to being dead probably isn’t easy for anyone,” said Hawley. “I can tell you, it wasn’t easy for me. But once you get over that hump, you know—that tough transition period—it’s really not that bad. It’s like being stoned and you lose track of time and kind of don’t really exist in the world anymore. If you like that kind of thing, it can be kind of cool. Not every day, of course, although you really don’t think in terms of days when you’re dead. It’s kind of hard to explain.”
The July 22 shooting in the Greektown district of Toronto, which left two people dead and 13 injured, took Canadians by surprise because their country has largely avoided American-style gun violence, although the number of shooting incidences has increased in recent years. Faisal Hussain, 29, a Toronto resident who was killed in the spree, has been named as the gunman by police.
John Peters, a dead American who was shot in 2016 by a man who posted a rambling manifesto on his Facebook account the night before he took four lives in a shooting spree at a department store, said being killed in the prime of your life is the price you pay to live in a country that knows how to put a little strut in its step. “Sure, you would probably be safer if your country was, like, ‘Oooh, guns are bad!’ but if you want to live in a country that’s, like, ‘Dude, you flipped off the wrong person!’ then, yeah, you have to accept some carnage, some collateral damage.”
Peters exhorted Canada to “grow some balls” and stop acting like Europeans “dancing around in their ballet tights.”
Peter called out Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau for supporting a proposal by the Toronto mayor to make gun ownership illegal in urban areas except for those with special clearance. “Yo, Trudeau, nice pink slippers you got on! Are you going to wear a tutu, too?”
Other Americans rose from the dead to make their case for easing, rather than tightening, control over guns. “If you take away guns, only criminals will have guns,” said Casey Nelson, who was shot in 2015 when he was eating lunch at a food court in Atlanta. Nelson said he was packing a gun at the time, but he fumbled trying to get it out of his holster and was shot before he could stop the shooter. “I got to say, no matter how much you practice at home, even in front of a mirror, you never know how it’s going to go when you’re actually confronting an active shooter,” he said. “Do I wish I would have handled my gun better? Of course, but I didn’t and here I am.”
Alex Carter, a Toronto resident who says he supports strengthening restrictions on gun ownership, said he’s not impressed by the Americans’ arguments. “You know, you’re dead,” he said. “Come back and talk to me when you’re alive. As long as you’re dead, I’m not really persuaded by your arguments.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd, and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
The right to bear arms has the weight of the U.S. constitution behind it but unfortunately there are no constitutional protections for children, the National Rifle Association says. “We’re not saying children shouldn’t be protected, just that they can’t look to the constitution to protect them the way it does guns,” says NRA spokesperson Jack Smith. “Look for yourself. If you see children protected in the constitution, let us know; we’d love to protect them with the same fervor we protect guns. We didn’t write the constitution, you know.” After a rash of shootings in which children were killed or injured at school, advocates have called for tighter background checks and other curbs on guns, but these calls have met stiff resistance among gun-rights advocates and their champions in Congress. Instead, the NRA and other protectors of the second amendment have called for arming teachers and beefing up school security. More.
Lawmakers in Congress said they would absolutely, and without delay, take no action in the wake of yet another horrific mass shooting at a school. “We know the American people are looking to us to act decisively, which is why, without hesitation, we will take no action to stem the random violence that’s turning our country into a shooting gallery,” House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) said immediately after the shooting. Reports say Dimitrios Pagourtzis entered the Santé Fe, Texas, school Friday and opened fire, killing 10, most of them students. More.
The U.S. Congress came together in a bipartisan fashion today to condemn the acts of gun violence that will plague the country in the months and years ahead. “We condemn the senseless taking of innocent life that we will experience in the future,” the resolution reads. “We call on all Americans to come together during these times of national trauma that will inflict us, probably twice a year if not more frequently.” Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wyo.), one of the sponsors of the resolution, says it’s a step in the right direction for lawmakers to get all of their future condemnations of acts of gun violence out of the way at once, because that will free up time for other legislative priorities. More.
BILLE, Mo.—Tag Carter says he had to shoot dozens of people at random because he never learned how to talk to women and despaired he would die a virgin. But it seems like all those years he didn’t shoot anyone while carrying a gun should count in his favor. “Let’s not forget that I was a good guy with a gun far longer than I was a bad guy with a gun,” Carter said after he was arrested for opening fire in a shopping mall in this quiet midwestern town. Anyone who carries a gun while he eats at a restaurant or shops in a store should meet the definition of a good guy with a gun, it seems to Carter . . . . More.
Tucker Blair told his wife today he’s getting together with his friend Bob to bear arms, although he doesn’t expect to be late for dinner. “My wife always makes tacos on Thursday and they’re not something you want to miss, believe me,” he said. The last time he went out to bear arms he had planned to bear his AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle but the trigger was giving him trouble so he got out his old Browning 9 mm Lugar pistol instead. “I like the Browning—it’s got 14 shots per round, which isn’t bad—but I’ve never liked the way the holster pinches my hip,” he said. “After I got my concealed-carry permit I thought I would get one of those cool holsters you wear under your coat, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.” More.
Despite reports of gun violence in the United States, the chance of you getting shot remains low. That’s the theme of a campaign that the U.S. Tourism Council is launching today to coax European and other tourists back to the United States. “New York City, the Grand Canyon, the monuments in D.C.—these have historically been major attractions for families from Germany or Spain and we want them to become that once again,” said Sarah Hanson, president of the Tourism Council, at a press briefing announcing the new ad campaign. Hanson pointed to a recent report by the United Nations World Tourism Organization that found global tourism hitting records, fueled in part by increasingly wealthy Chinese families eager to see the world outside their borders. Tourism is booming so much, in fact, that major destinations like Rome, London, and Paris are having trouble coping with the influx of people without sacrificing what makes the cities attractive in the first place. But U.S. cities are having no such trouble. More.
President Donald Trump took a step to help address the nation’s outbreak of mass shootings by using his executive power to create a United States Department of Prayers. “With this order we’re showing Americans that we’re doing everything we can as a government to address gun violence in our country, which is so terrible,” Trump said at a signing ceremony in Japan, where he is visiting as part of a 12-day Asia tour. Under the order, the department will deploy a religious leader based in the area of the incident to offer official prayers on behalf of the federal government. More.
News reports are saying something about another mass shooting somewhere, Kansas, I think, and people were killed and the shooter had some issues and he was at a factory or maybe he was driving a cab or was at a community college or whatever and blah, blah, blah. A report says Iowa lawmakers passed legislation to let kids carry guns in public and that’s good because kids are known for taking reasoned approaches to conflict and it will be good they will be armed in case the security of our free state is at risk and hopefully the NRA will write similar legislation for other states to pass and blah, blah, blah. More.
National Rifle Association President and CEO Wayne LaPierre says he loves the life he leads and can’t believe his good fortune to live in a world in which he can occasionally walk down a street carrying only a light handgun and having only a single bodyguard hardening his perimeter. “There are a lot of bad people with guns but, fortunately, sometimes there are only a few of them around you in your immediate kill zone,” LaPierre said in a interview this morning with American Freedom News. LaPierre says his living compound in an undisclosed location in the Northern Virgina suburbs of Washington, D.C., is a wonderful retreat for him. Its network of armed check points enables him to . . . . More.
The National Rifle Association has been working quietly for the last few months to get an amendment to the U.S. Constitution that deletes the words “keep and bear” in the Second Amendment and replaces them with “own” so the language in the gun-rights amendment matches their view that people have a right to gun ownership. “It’s kind of embarrassing, but we’ve been dropping anvils on the heads of anyone who challenges the right to gun ownership but, you know, the Constitution doesn’t even grant the right to gun ownership,” says James Smith, the NRA’s chief lobbyist. “It only grants the right to keep and bear arms, which is a different standard. Hah-hah. Do we look stupid or what?” More.
The mental health issues that are at the center of random gun shootings in the United States are absent in other countries, explaining why the United States leads disproportionately in the incidence of gun violence, a report from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology finds. “We thought it was the bedrock American belief in the right to bear arms that was at the root of the pervasive gun violence in our country, but in fact it’s a mental health issue,” says Meyer Steinberg, chair of the MIT Institute of Violence and Culture. More.
House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) responded to the latest mass shooting in the United States with a message that the Republican tax cuts are working and Congress is ready to tackle the country’s crumbling infrastructure with public-private partnerships that envision more toll roads. “Employers are hiring and giving their employees bonuses because our tax cuts are stimulating the economy,” Ryan said at a hastily called press conference to respond to the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla. At least 17 students and faculty were killed when a former student opened fire with an automatic weapon. It was the fourth school shooting since the first of the year and the 18th mass shooting over that same time period. “What we’re seeing is a new incentive to invest in the economy and build our competitiveness for the next century,” Ryan said. More.
The National Rifle Association today issued a proposal to the federal government to issue all 322 million Americans Kevlar vests to protect them from bullets as Americans exercise their constitutional right to own and shoot guns. “There’s a lot of pressure on our country to curb our gun freedom, but we have a better idea,” Wayne LaPierre, NRA executive vice president, said in announcing the proposal. “All Americans should be issued a Kevlar vest as a right of citizenship.” Gun control organizations immediately blasted the idea. “Rather than issue vests, we need to put in place reasonable gun regulations, starting with a requirement that guns be registered,” said the National Alliance to Prevent Gun Violence in a statement. More.