Michael Cohen Calls Dibs on Scott Pruitt’s Phone Booth

Cohen: ‘I need that friggin’ phone booth’

Besieged former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen says he should get the soundproof phone booth in the EPA director’s office now that Scott Pruitt has resigned from that position because no one on earth needs a secure place to make phone calls more than he does.

“I’ve got a dozen prosecutors poring through every computer, laptop, tablet, and phone I own,” Cohen complained to reporters this morning. “If I had a carrier pigeon they’d be searching its legs for private messages. I need that friggin’ phone booth.”

Cohen, who worked as Trump’s fixer for more than a dozen years and is at the center of an investigation into payments he made to women to keep them quiet about alleged sexual encounters they had with the president before he took office, says he’s owed at least the phone booth since he basically got nothing out of Trump’s 2016 election victory. “He couldn’t have put me in charge of the Federal Battle Monuments Commission?” Cohen said. “The National Endowment for the Arts? Think of how much money I’ve given to actresses and models over the years. He couldn’t find anything for me?”

Won’t fit in pocket

Cohen said he positioned himself as a go-to lobbyist to business people who want special access to the White House only because Trump left him with no other option. “It’s not like I can just go practice law, or something,” he said.

Cohen said his hush-payment business, which was lucrative for many years, dried up after Trump became president. “Suddenly the date nights stopped—and so did my fees on the $130,000 checks,” he said. “Meanwhile, I’m paying a fortune for burner phones.”

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Scott Pruitt, when he was head of EPA, caused a scandal when he had the secure phone booth installed in his office at a cost to taxpayers of $43,000. It was the first of more than a dozen scandals to embroil Pruitt, who became a lightning rod for criticism. Pruitt submitted his resignation to Trump on June 5, after stories broke that he tried to get EPA officials to find a job for his wife.

Cohen said he first set sights on the phone booth after prosecutors raided his home in February as part of an investigation into possible bank fraud. Prosecutors also raided his vacation home and a hotel room he was staying at while his home was being remodeled. “I can’t go to Starbucks without a gaggle of cameras behind my back,” he said. “If the phone booth wasn’t already there, I wouldn’t ask for it. But as long as it’s there, let me have it. Believe me, if there’s one person who can put it to good use, it’s me.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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