Thwarted on Children, White House Eyeing Puppies, Kittens

S.M.

Senior White House policymakers say they’re close to rolling out an initiative that aims to curb illegal adoption of puppies and kittens by putting the animals’  paws into walnut shells filled with melted wax and dropping them onto hot asphalt roofs.

“What country doesn’t protect itself from illegal adoptions of puppies that hop on children and kittens that bounce on balls of yarn?” said Stephen Miller, senior advisor to President Trump.

Please don’t hurt me

Miller said previous administrations failed to curb illegal adoptions. As a result, puppies and kittens are appearing on YouTube in videos that generate millions of clicks, often for ad dollars that go into the pockets of corporations and individuals.

“When you fail to enforce your laws for pet adoptions, you create markets for videos that millions of people watch instead of eating their beets or doing their homework,” Miller said.

Please don’t hurt us

Miller blamed Democrats in Congress for creating the walnut shells filled with hot wax into which the administration plans to put the paws of puppies and kittens, although analysts say there’s no such law on the books.

“To repeat, when the administration says it’s just carrying out a law the Democrats made, it’s making an assertion that we have not been able to verify,” said Kristen Shephard, a federal law specialist at Harvard University Law School. “There is no law requiring the paws of puppies and kittens to be put into walnut shells filled with hot wax.”

Shephard also said no provision in the law requires the puppies and kittens to be dropped onto hot asphalt roofs.

“The president can end this policy before it’s carried out by simply not implementing it,” Shephard said. “I recommend the president take that step, because Americans have not supported the torture of puppies and kittens in the past.”

In a recent poll, 67 percent of Americans say they disapprove of animal torture. Twenty-four percent say it might be okay if the video cracks them up.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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