White House Staffing Woes: Too Many Candidates Flunk Cruelty Test

‘Probably get thrown under bus’

The White House, scrambling to fill vacant spots, says it will start casting a wider net to find candidates who lack a basic sense of decency.

“Despite its reputation as a swamp, Washington really has too many people who have a sense of limits to work in this White House and that’s posing real problems now,” says White House Chief of Staff John Kelly in a candid interview with The Guardian. “We’re finding people who are used to lying balking at the amount of lying they would be expected to do. What’s more problematic, at least in the short term, is the absence of people who are comfortable taking the cruel and heartless steps that are needed to carry out this president’s agenda. I thought veteran Washington professionals were tougher than that, but I’m learning the city has its limits.”

Room at the inn

Kelly said he’s having to search in places he never expected to search to find candidates, including rosters of former CIA agents and special forces commandos, violent criminals who’ve served their terms, and retired Wall Street bankers, including those who are living off the millions they made opening up phony bank accounts using unsuspecting customers’ names.

“A lot of the people we’re looking at don’t have policy experience but that’s less important right now than being able to look on indifferently when moms are separated from their children, possibly for the rest of their lives,” said Kelly.

Kelly said he tells recruits that they would be working for a man who expects utmost loyalty from his people but who gives none in return. “What we’re finding is that, some recruits who would be a good fit turn the job down because, although they have no trouble sleeping at night when their actions result in terrible things happening to people, they expect a certain amount of cover from their boss in return,” he said. “They don’t like getting thrown under the bus, in other words. Unfortunately, I can’t sugarcoat the truth. I tell them they’re almost certainly going to leave under bad circumstances, facing legal bills on their own, and that’s when they wish me luck but say no thanks.”

One promising source of recruits is in Ukraine, where many seasoned operatives are out of work. So far, none of them can get past clearance, but Kelly says he’s thinking of having President Trump pre-pardon them. That will enable them to come on board while at the same time protecting them for when they’re indicted and found guilty of a crime while in the White House. “It’s not how I prefer to staff the White House, if only because their English is so bad, but it’s my most promising option right now,” Kelly said.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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