DELUTH, Minn.—Speaking at a boisterous rally here shortly after signing an executive order putting an end to family separations at the border, President Trump said that he alone, with his business and negotiation skills, can fix the problems he creates.
“No one can fix the problems I create like I can,” Trump told thousands of people at the rally. “Look at Hillary—Crooked Hillary—or Barack Obama. Do you think they could fix the problems I create? I don’t think so. And Hillary won’t be fixing anything once she’s in jail for colluding with the FBI and Justice to fix the election!”
Trump pointed to his executive order ending family separations, a policy he imposed to discourage migrant families from trying to enter the United States illegally, as a case in point. “Congress wouldn’t fix it. The Democrats sure couldn’t fix it. I fixed it with a stroke of my pen. I said, ‘This doesn’t look good. Babies screaming. Mothers crying. Fathers committing suicide. Who needs it? I had to cancel the congressional picnic because the optics were so bad.”
North Korea is another crisis he created that he fixed, he said. “After I had the world cowering in fear by saying fire and fury would result from Kim Jong-un’s missiles and I said I had a bigger nuclear button than he did, I went over to Singapore and shook Kim’s hand. Bing, bing, bing. Problem solved!”
Trump complained the press never gives him credit for solving problems he creates. “You’d think after I left Singapore with a promise from Kim to keep working towards the goal of denuclearization I would get a pat on the back or a thank you or something, but instead all the fake news talked about is that nothing in the agreement is concrete. Let me tell you something about concrete. It’s something I know a little bit about. And I know Kim very well. Believe me, I can read a person like no one else. And we have an agreement to denuclearize.”
Trump said Hillary Clinton could never have signed that agreement and that Barack Obama had a chance to sign an agreement as good as his but he didn’t. “You can see the kind of agreements Obama signs,” he said. “The Iran agreement. Get rid of your nukes and we’ll let you have your money back! That’s the kind of agreement Obama signs! I didn’t sign that kind of agreement, I’ll tell you. That’s the difference between us!”
Trump said he’s fixing the trade crisis he created three months ago by imposing tariffs on imports from China, the U.K., and Canada. “I had to go in there and get them to impose steep tariffs on us in retaliation for our imposing stiff tariffs on them,” he said. “Now they want to escalate that. They want to do tit-for-tat? No one can do tit-for-tat like I can. I’ll fix this, I promise you. Do you think Crooked Hillary or Obama have any clue how to fix this? I’ll fix it beautifully and you’ll be so happy. You’ll be thanking me for giving you the privilege of voting for me. Even the three million people who voted for Hillary illegally will be thanking me. You’re welcome.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort is accused of withholding fees last week from the team of lawyers defending him from bank and tax fraud charges so he could buy a $2.1 million home in McLean, Va. The charges, filed today by Kevin Downing, Manafort’s lead defense lawyer, says he and six other lawyers were due to be paid $57,000 for their legal work on Manafort’s behalf for the last two weeks but the money instead went to American Title Company as an earnest money deposit on the 2,000-square-foot house, which would be Manafort’s 14th. Downing says he hopes to settle the dispute amicably outside of court, but he’s filing the charges to put Manafort on notice that the long-time political operative and international campaign consultant must pay his legal bills. More.
President Trump used the recent tariff woes hitting Harley-Davidson to double down on his threats to China and other trading partners that he’s prepared to tank any number of American businesses to punish their unfair trade practices. “Caterpillar, Carrier, 3M . . . no one has more good companies to destroy than I do when it comes to waging trade wars,” Trump said this morning. Harley-Davidson, the iconic motorcycle manufacturer that Trump hosted at the White House early in his presidency, just announced plans to send some manufacturing outside the United States because of tariffs being imposed on it by other countries in retaliation for the tariffs Trump imposed on them. “We don’t want to move,” said Matt Levatich, the company’s CEO. “We want to keep building our products here, but in the face of these new tariffs, it’s unlikely we can maintain our domestic operations.” More.
A confidential memo prepared by White House lawyers has found that the president of the United States is in fact above the law and that the American people are in fact out of luck. “After exhaustive research into the Constitution of the United States and applicable legal precedents,” the memo says, “we have concluded that the president of the United States is actually above the law notwithstanding the idea that no one is above the law.” The memo goes on to explain that the president can shoot people, including former heads of the FBI, and fabricate reasons for meeting with enemies of the state while a candidate for president without consequences. More.
President Trump touted his victory over the American people today after it was reported that most people in the United States have given up trying to hold him to account for his lies, insults, bad staffing and policy choices, possible collusion with the Russians, and past financial scandals. “We’ve made the large, beautiful American presidency great again,” Trump said in a rally-like address in West Virginia carried live by the broadcast networks and major cable providers. “When I started this, people were saying the presidency isn’t great anymore. Well, they’re not saying that now, are they?” Trump credited his stamina for carrying him over the finish line while Americans by and large have run out of steam. “I have the best stamina, the strongest stamina, and I’ve been told that by many people, many doctors,” he said. “They’re surprised when they see how big my stamina is. They say they’ve never seen such stamina—how did it get so big? I can tell you, Hillary Clinton wouldn’t be sitting behind this desk today declaring her victory over the American people, I can tell you that.” More.
President Trump had a blunt message for China today after announcing punitive tariffs on steel and aluminum. “Until you open up your markets, you can expect our biggest trading partner, Canada, to get slapped with tariffs on the things we mostly get from them,” Trump said after signing his executive order imposing tariffs of up to 30 percent on key metal imports. Canada is the number one source of steel into the United States and also a big importer of aluminum, while China barely supplies 10 percent of steel into the United States. “When I ran for president, I said China was eating our lunch on trade,” Trump said. “We’re putting an end to that starting right row, by punishing the country that supplies most of our imports and also buys most of our exports: Canada.” More.
After a series of high-profile departures from his White House team, President Trump is increasingly relying on the advisor he said he would use most on the campaign trail: his “big, beautiful brain.” “I rely on myself first of all,” Trump said while campaigning for president in 2016. “I have a very big brain. You don’t have to feel bad. It’s not your fault.” But now aides are wondering if Trump’s brain will be the next member of his team to go. “After the departures of Mike Flynn, Reince Priebus, Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Steve Bannon, Jon Porter, and now Hope Hicks and Gary Cohn, there’s a concern that Trump’s brain is ready to jump ship as well,” said one White House aide who asked not to be identified because of the sensitivity of the topic. More.
The dramatic 30 percent tariff the White House plans to impose on imported Steele isn’t a misspelling of the word steel, White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said today at her daily briefing. “We think Steele is harmful to the United States and we are absolutely trying to discourage it from coming into the country by imposing what we think is a completely justified tariff on it,” she said. “Allowing Steele into the United States, with no restraint, paying no price, is a fast-track way to trouble,” Sanders added. “That’s President Trump’s view. He wants to curb it. And he has the authority to do that.” More.
President Trump, long considered a master at keeping track of his lies, is starting to get his lies confused with one another and making mistakes that are uncharacteristic of him, aides say. “I don’t know if it’s the pressure of the job or his age or some combination of the two, but the President is not the guy who could make up stories on the fly anymore,” one aide said on the condition of anonymity so the person could speak freely about the President’s mental state. The aide cited the current messaging challenge posed by former White House secretary Ron Porter, who resigned two weeks ago after allegations arose that he abused his two ex-wives and also an ex girlfriend. More.
Top White House policy aide Stephen Miller has been accused of abusing himself by yelling at his face in the mirror when he shaves, making disparaging remarks about his empty social life when he eats dinner alone, and wishing he were anyone other than the most disliked person in Washington when he wakes up in the morning. The accusation, which was first reported by The Guardian of London, is based on an extensive interview with Miller by the publication and corroborated by Miller’s neighbor, who says she hears “abusive, expletive-filled language” every night between Miller and his bathroom mirror. More.
President Trump says his military parade, in which soldiers, tanks, missiles, and other vehicles will come down Pennsylvania Ave. in formation to showcase U.S. military might, will attract bigger audiences than President Obama’s military parade and will even be bigger than the parades of the last 10 presidents combined. “The tanks, the trucks—they’ll be like nothing we ever saw with Obama or even with the others,” Trump said this morning. “Very few people showed up for Obama’s parade. And I heard that some of the tanks broke down, Jeeps had flat tires, some soldiers didn’t march in a straight line.” More.
Racists across the United States said they’re impressed with the degree of racism in the things President Trump says given that he’s not a racist. “For someone who isn’t a racist, President Trump says the most racist things we’ve ever heard from a non-racist,” says Dexter Smith, president of the American Society of Racists. “People who aren’t racist tend not to say racist things, but President Trump has consistently said racist things since he became a national political figure in 2016. He is truly a non-racist who says a lot of racist things.” Smith said he can’t think of any other non-racist who says things as racist as Trump does nor as frequently. “I’m tempted to say he says more racist things more frequently than even many racists,” he said. Among the racist things Trump has said is his remark in 2016 that a judge of Mexican-American heritage cannot be objective in a fraud case involving Trump University and that . . . More.
House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) called it “very unfortunate and unhelpful” that President Trump is destroying the United States, and said it would be better if the President didn’t destroy the institutions he has sworn to oversee or make the United States loathsome in the eyes of people around the world. He also said it would be better if the President didn’t pit Americans against Americans. “Would it be better if the President tried to strengthen our institutions? Yes, it would,” Ryan said. “Would it be better if he tried to make people look up to the United States rather than down on it? Yes. And would it be a plus if he brought Americans together rather them drive them apart? Yes, I’m sure it would be.” Ryan said he can’t speak for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), but he believes the Majority Leader also thinks it’s very unfortunate and unhelpful when the President makes the United States an object of hatred and derision around the world. More.
President Donald Trump was rewarded with applause and cheers for insulting and taking for fools the people he was speaking to at an event in Nashville, Tenn., earlier this week. Trump told the several thousand people at the event they were happy they voted for him and that they were lucky he gave them the privilege to vote for him. “Oh, are you happy you voted for me,” the President told the people watching his mouth move and listening to the words coming out. “You are so lucky that I gave you that privilege.” More.
Former Trump advisor Stephen Bannon believes he still influences public debate over important topics like immigration reform and the economic policy of the United States. The former executive editor of Breitbart News is a former campaign manager of Trump’s who at one time had the support of wealthy political backers like Robert Mercer and his daughter Rebekah, billionaires who fund conservative causes. Bannon, 64, was a chief architect of the loss of a long-held Republican seat in the Senate by throwing his support behind Roy Moore, an accused child molester who lost to Democrat Doug Jones in last month’s special election to fill the Alabama Senate seat vacated when Jeff Sessions became U.S. Attorney General. More.