‘I Alone Can Fix the Problems I Create,’ Trump Says at Rally

Trump: ‘It’s going to be so good’

DELUTH, Minn.—Speaking at a boisterous rally here shortly after signing an executive order putting an end to family separations at the border, President Trump said that he alone, with his business and negotiation skills, can fix the problems he creates.

“No one can fix the problems I create like I can,” Trump told thousands of people at the rally. “Look at Hillary—Crooked Hillary—or Barack Obama. Do you think they could fix the problems I create? I don’t think so. And Hillary won’t be fixing anything once she’s in jail for colluding with the FBI and Justice to fix the election!”

Trump pointed to his executive order ending family separations, a policy he imposed to discourage migrant families from trying to enter the United States illegally, as a case in point. “Congress wouldn’t fix it. The Democrats sure couldn’t fix it. I fixed it with a stroke of my pen. I said, ‘This doesn’t look good. Babies screaming. Mothers crying. Fathers committing suicide. Who needs it? I had to cancel the congressional picnic because the optics were so bad.”

‘I will let you vote for me’

North Korea is another crisis he created that he fixed, he said. “After I had the world cowering in fear by saying fire and fury would result from Kim Jong-un’s missiles and I said I had a bigger nuclear button than he did, I went over to Singapore and shook Kim’s hand. Bing, bing, bing. Problem solved!”

Trump complained the press never gives him credit for solving problems he creates. “You’d think after I left Singapore with a promise from Kim to keep working towards the goal of denuclearization I would get a pat on the back or a thank you or something, but instead all the fake news talked about is that nothing in the agreement is concrete. Let me tell you something about concrete. It’s something I know a little bit about. And I know Kim very well. Believe me, I can read a person like no one else. And we have an agreement to denuclearize.”

Trump said Hillary Clinton could never have signed that agreement and that Barack Obama had a chance to sign an agreement as good as his but he didn’t. “You can see the kind of agreements Obama signs,” he said. “The Iran agreement. Get rid of your nukes and we’ll let you have your money back! That’s the kind of agreement Obama signs! I didn’t sign that kind of agreement, I’ll tell you. That’s the difference between us!”

Trump said he’s fixing the trade crisis he created three months ago by imposing tariffs on imports from China, the U.K., and Canada. “I had to go in there and get them to impose steep tariffs on us in retaliation for our imposing stiff tariffs on them,” he said. “Now they want to escalate that. They want to do tit-for-tat? No one can do tit-for-tat like I can. I’ll fix this, I promise you. Do you think Crooked Hillary or Obama have any clue how to fix this? I’ll fix it beautifully and you’ll be so happy. You’ll be thanking me for giving you the privilege of voting for me. Even the three million people who voted for Hillary illegally will be thanking me. You’re welcome.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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