Research: 83 Million Americans are Scumbags

Almost one out of every four Americans is a scumbag but only about 20 percent of these scumbags are effective at what they do, minimizing the negative effect they have on the country, research finds.

“We always knew a significant percentage of the United States was comprised of scumbags. We just didn’t know what that percentage was,” says Meyer Feinhold, professor of sociological econometrics at the Maryland Institute of Technology and the lead researcher on the study. “What we’re saying is, that percentage is quite high, but we’re also saying most scumbags are not just terrible people; they’re bad at what they do, so that’s a good thing.”

Feinhold says American scumbags can be divided into four tiers: 1) Effective, well-known scumbags, 2) Effective, little-known scumbags, 3) Scumbags who are neither effective nor ineffective, and 4) Ineffective, little-known scumbags.

The first tier of effective, well-known scumbags is comprised of high-profile scumbags like Harvey Weinstein, the Hollywood mogul under indictment or investigation for multiple allegations of sexual harassment, and Bill Cosby, the comedian and actor who has been accused of and charged with sexually molesting women after drugging them.

Feinhold says President Trump falls into this category, because he’s a scumbag who has been accused of sexually harassing at least 19 women and has sued or been sued more than 2,500 times. He’s also convinced about a third of the country, without proof, that he’s a billionaire. Perhaps most importantly, he convinced about a third of the voting population in the United States to elect him to the country’s highest office in part by cheating with Russian help, which is consistent with his scumbag nature. “He might be the biggest scumbag in the United States,” Feinhold says. “Unfortunately, he also might be our country’s most effective scumbag as well.”

The next tier consists of effective scumbags who are not well known. For that reason, the report doesn’t identify any of the people who fall into this category. “You wouldn’t know them even if we named them,” Feinhold says. “What’s important is they’re the scumbags you have to deal with at work or where you worship or where you volunteer. You’ll find them at the store, too.”

The main positive takeaway from the report, Feinhold says, is that most scumbags aren’t good at what they do. “Most scumbags sit alone in their house commenting that it’s okay for President Trump to call off the next election or to separate children from their parents because bible. In a way we should feel sorry for them. Unfortunately, that’s hard to do because they’re scumbags.”

Access the report, called “Many Americans are Scumbags,” at the university website.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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