“We always knew a significant percentage of the United States was comprised of scumbags. We just didn’t know what that percentage was,” says Meyer Feinhold, professor of sociological econometrics at the Maryland Institute of Technology and the lead researcher on the study. “What we’re saying is, that percentage is quite high, but we’re also saying most scumbags are not just terrible people; they’re bad at what they do, so that’s a good thing.”
Feinhold says American scumbags can be divided into four tiers: 1) Effective, well-known scumbags, 2) Effective, little-known scumbags, 3) Scumbags who are neither effective nor ineffective, and 4) Ineffective, little-known scumbags.
The first tier of effective, well-known scumbags is comprised of high-profile scumbags like Harvey Weinstein, the Hollywood mogul under indictment or investigation for multiple allegations of sexual harassment, and Bill Cosby, the comedian and actor who has been accused of and charged with sexually molesting women after drugging them.
Feinhold says President Trump falls into this category, because he’s a scumbag who has been accused of sexually harassing at least 19 women and has sued or been sued more than 2,500 times. He’s also convinced about a third of the country, without proof, that he’s a billionaire. Perhaps most importantly, he convinced about a third of the voting population in the United States to elect him to the country’s highest office in part by cheating with Russian help, which is consistent with his scumbag nature. “He might be the biggest scumbag in the United States,” Feinhold says. “Unfortunately, he also might be our country’s most effective scumbag as well.”
The next tier consists of effective scumbags who are not well known. For that reason, the report doesn’t identify any of the people who fall into this category. “You wouldn’t know them even if we named them,” Feinhold says. “What’s important is they’re the scumbags you have to deal with at work or where you worship or where you volunteer. You’ll find them at the store, too.”
The main positive takeaway from the report, Feinhold says, is that most scumbags aren’t good at what they do. “Most scumbags sit alone in their house commenting that it’s okay for President Trump to call off the next election or to separate children from their parents because bible. In a way we should feel sorry for them. Unfortunately, that’s hard to do because they’re scumbags.”
Access the report, called “Many Americans are Scumbags,” at the university website.
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
In a rare attempt at unification, President Trump in a televised address today said it’s time for Americans to put their divisions behind them and work toward a better future as one. “We have been working at cross purposes for too long,” he said from the East Room in the White House. “Low-IQ Americans and high-IQ Americans have been taking different paths while our country needs us to march in lockstep to reach the better America we all want. No more!” He said the United States is poised to take the next step toward greatness but it’s up to low-status people to join hands with high-status people and for the educated to reach out to the uneducated. “Everyone has something to contribute,” he said, “from the biggest loser to the greatest winner.” Reaching for the kind of oratorical heights he has shunned in the past, Trump asked “hysterical, wacky, crazy, and crooked women” to seek common ground with not-smart people, including men, so that “the country we all love so much can grow its economy, cut additional taxes, and beef up its military. More.
Besieged former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen says he should get the soundproof phone booth in the EPA director’s office now that Scott Pruitt has resigned from that position because no one on earth needs a secure place to make phone calls more than he does. “I’ve got a dozen prosecutors poring through every computer, laptop, tablet, and phone I own,” Cohen complained to reporters this morning. “If I had a carrier pigeon they’d be searching its legs for private messages. I need that friggin’ phone booth.” Cohen, who worked as Trump’s fixer for more than a dozen years and is at the center of an investigation into payments he made to women to keep them quiet about alleged sexual encounters they had with the president before he took office, says he’s owed at least the phone booth since he basically got nothing out of Trump’s 2016 election victory. More.
A confidential memo prepared by White House lawyers has found that the president of the United States is in fact above the law and that the American people are in fact out of luck. “After exhaustive research into the Constitution of the United States and applicable legal precedents,” the memo says, “we have concluded that the president of the United States is actually above the law notwithstanding the idea that no one is above the law.” The memo goes on to explain that the president can shoot people, including former heads of the FBI, and fabricate reasons for meeting with enemies of the state while a candidate for president without consequences. More.
Tucker Blair told his wife today he’s getting together with his friend Bob to bear arms, although he doesn’t expect to be late for dinner. “My wife always makes tacos on Thursday and they’re not something you want to miss, believe me,” he said. The last time he went out to bear arms he had planned to bear his AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle but the trigger was giving him trouble so he got out his old Browning 9 mm Lugar pistol instead. “I like the Browning—it’s got 14 shots per round, which isn’t bad—but I’ve never liked the way the holster pinches my hip,” he said. “After I got my concealed-carry permit I thought I would get one of those cool holsters you wear under your coat, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.” More.
Lawmakers in Congress said they would absolutely, and without delay, take no action in the wake of yet another horrific mass shooting at a school. “We know the American people are looking to us to act decisively, which is why, without hesitation, we will take no action to stem the random violence that’s turning our country into a shooting gallery,” House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) said immediately after the shooting. Reports say Dimitrios Pagourtzis entered the Santé Fe, Texas, school Friday and opened fire, killing 10, most of them students. More.
President Trump touted his victory over the American people today after it was reported that most people in the United States have given up trying to hold him to account for his lies, insults, bad staffing and policy choices, possible collusion with the Russians, and past financial scandals. “We’ve made the large, beautiful American presidency great again,” Trump said in a rally-like address in West Virginia carried live by the broadcast networks and major cable providers. “When I started this, people were saying the presidency isn’t great anymore. Well, they’re not saying that now, are they?” Trump credited his stamina for carrying him over the finish line while Americans by and large have run out of steam. “I have the best stamina, the strongest stamina, and I’ve been told that by many people, many doctors,” he said. “They’re surprised when they see how big my stamina is. They say they’ve never seen such stamina—how did it get so big? I can tell you, Hillary Clinton wouldn’t be sitting behind this desk today declaring her victory over the American people, I can tell you that.” More.
President Donald Trump defended his call to Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his reelection to the Russian presidency earlier this week by saying he’s no different than any other leader who picks the candidates he runs against, controls the voting system in his country, and dictates any policy he wants as long as he doesn’t trigger opposition from his opponents who are lying in wait to depose him. “Theresa May, Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau—are they all so much different than President Putin?” Trump said in remarks to reporters this morning. Trump said that Theresa May, who is prime minister of Great Britain, wouldn’t be much different than Vladimir Putin if she had her political enemies assassinated and knew Parliament would rubber stamp any policy she handed it. More.
WASHINGTON—Bowing to the economic realities of trying to fill 6,000 jobs in a short period of time, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has announced relaxed employment requirements. “To help us carry out our mission of protecting America from cross-border crime and illegal immigration, we are opening our application process to legal immigrants, green card holders, DACA (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals) recipients, and immigrants who say they’re her legally but left their papers behind,” the agency announced today. Among the jobs the agency is trying to fill are deportation and detention agents. The agency says these jobs, part of its Enforcement and Removal Operations, offer competitive benefits and can lead to fulfilling careers. More.
Despite His Criminality and Sexual Assault Bragging, He’s Not a Mexican Criminal or Rapist, Trump Says
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he shouldn’t be mistaken for a Mexican, because although his university and foundation are under criminal investigation, his type of criminality is different from a Mexican’s. The same goes for the revelation that he’s a man who sexually assaults women. Although he kisses and grabs women without waiting for their consent, he isn’t a Mexican rapist because he’s a celebrity and the women let him do it. “Hillary Clinton and her slimy rapist husband Bill Clinton are trying to make people believe I’m Mexican because of the criminality of my operations and my history of assaulting and abusing women,” he said today. “But I’m not, and these attacks are part of the rigged election. I can guarantee you, my supporters are going to use their Second Amendment freedom to protest this rigged election when I lose because of Hillary’s cheating.” More.
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, fresh from his dramatic trip to Mexico to discuss immigration policy, said he would allow Angélica Rivera, the wife of Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto, into the country if she wants to come. “We would make an exception for her, absolutely, and I told her that when I was in Mexico,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Albuquerque, N.M. “I told her I’ll have a car ready for her anytime she wants to come. She has my number. She said she’d like to see Trump Tower. I said I’d like to show it to her.” Rivera, 47, an actress and model before she became Mexico’s First Lady, was born in Mexico City. She has been married to Peña Nieto since 2010. Trump’s trip to Mexico has generated a considerable amount of analysis. In Mexico, he appeared to take a conciliatory approach to the country, but that appeared to change in a major address he gave in Phoenix that night. More.
Citing a “great deal” that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump promised him on supplies, labor, and land, Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto says he is rethinking his opposition to the wall Trump wants to build to separate the two countries. “Of course, there are a lot of negatives to the wall,” Peña Nieto said in his revised statement, issued this morning at the National Palace in Mexico City. “But there is much more of an upside to this than I realized.” Peña Nieto said Trump, with his extensive ties to real estate and development interests in the United States, can get him a “great deal” on everything it would take to build the wall, which is intended to keep out Mexicans who come to the U.S. illegally. “Deals like this don’t come around every day,” he said. More.