President is Above Law, White House Memo Finds

‘I have blocked all the exits’

A confidential memo prepared by White House lawyers has found that the president of the United States is in fact above the law and that the American people are in fact out of luck.

“After exhaustive research into the Constitution of the United States and applicable legal precedents,” the memo says, “we have concluded that the president of the United States is actually above the law notwithstanding the idea that no one is above the law.”

The memo goes on to explain that the president can shoot people, including former heads of the FBI, and fabricate reasons for meeting with enemies of the state while a candidate for president without consequences.

“The law is clear that a president can do anything to anybody at any time and there’s nothing anyone can do about it,” the memo says.

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The same does not apply to others, the memo explains, because “they’re not the president.”

The finding is shocking, says Peter Schmidt, president of the American Civil Liberties Union. “We should be able to hold the president of the United States accountable but unfortunately we can’t,” Schmidt says.

Hamilton Smith, professor emeritus of constitutional law at Harvard University, says the president is more powerful than he previously understood. “The memo makes it clear the president can do whatever he wants and we have to live with that,” Smith says. “The words are right there on the page of the memo.”

Donald Trump, the president for whom the memo was written, says he might call off the 2018 elections now that it’s clear he’s above the law. “We’ll see what happens, but I might very well not hold them,” he said this morning. “It’s something I’m looking into. I could call off the 2020 elections, too. You’ll just have to wait and see.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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