Bad Guy With a Gun: Don’t All Those Years I Was a Good Guy With a Gun Count For Anything?

Most times, didn’t shoot

BILLE, Mo.—Tag Carter says he had to shoot dozens of people at random because he never learned how to talk to women and despaired he would die a virgin. At the same time, though, all those years he didn’t shoot anyone while carrying a gun should count in his favor. “Let’s not forget that I was a good guy with a gun far longer than I was a bad guy with a gun,” Carter said after he was arrested for opening fire in a shopping mall in this quiet midwestern town.

Anyone who carries a gun while he eats at a restaurant or shops in a store should meet the definition of a good guy with a gun, Carter says, because that person can step in and put a stop to a random shooting should one occur. “What would people be saying if I used my gun to save a mother and her daughter having lunch at a food court after buying a cute dress or something?” he asked. “It would be, Tag Carter: hero. But instead, it’s all about the one time I opened fire. It just doesn’t seem fair at a certain level.”

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Carter, 27, said he started carrying a gun a few years ago because he imagined being the guy who would save lives when a deranged person opened fire. Unfortunately, he never got the chance to prove what a good person with a gun he is, and now it’s too late.

“I don’t deny I hurt people today,” he said. “I wanted to hurt people. But is it too much to ask that my years of not shooting people count for something? Think about all the good guys with a gun who are just waiting for some nutcase to open fire so they can save the innocent people and get the glowing coverage in the news. That was me for a long time. Doesn’t that count for anything? It should, if you want to be fair about it.”

Carter said he hopes the court will be lenient since his intentions were originally good.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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