Tucker Blair told his wife today he’s getting together with his friend Bob to bear arms, although he doesn’t expect to be late for dinner. “My wife always makes tacos on Thursday and they’re not something you want to miss, believe me,” he said.
The last time he went out to bear arms he had planned to bear his AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle but the trigger was giving him trouble so he got out his old Browning 9 mm Lugar pistol instead. “I like the Browning—it’s got 14 shots per round, which isn’t bad—but I’ve never liked the way the holster pinches my hip,” he said. “After I got my concealed-carry permit I thought I would get one of those cool holsters you wear under your coat, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.”
Blair said he discovered the trigger on his AR-15 was sticking back in February, when he was out bearing arms with his friend Adam. “The first time pressed it I could tell it was the spring,” he said. “I’m not the only one who’s had that problem. I Googled ‘AR-15 trigger spring sticking’ and a dozen results came up. People were complaining about the same thing. I don’t think it’s a big deal. It’s just a matter of finding the time to take it in. It’s not something I would try to fix myself.”
His friend Bob hasn’t gone out to bear arms in a while, so Blair thinks he’ll have a good time today. “It would be nice if he had arms that were a little nicer than what he has, but it’s like going out drinking with your buddy: you want to go out with someone who’s not as good looking as you are so you look better by comparison,” he said. “This isn’t to put Bob down. He’s a great guy. I’m just saying.”
Blair says he’d like to go out bearing arms more often, but he’s got two kids in soccer, and although his wife shuttles them around most weekends, he can’t just go off and do what he wants. “If she’s at soccer, there’s an expectation that I’ll, like, mow the lawn or something,” he said.
Next week, though, he’s got a good outing all planned out. “I’m going out with my friend Pete and we’ll be bearing arms all day Saturday,” he said. “It’ll be great, especially if I get that trigger fixed. Not all arms are the same when you’re bearing them, if you know what I mean.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Several Americans rose from the dead after the tragic shooting in Toronto last week to urge Canadians to “get some mojo” and replace their “lame” gun laws with the kind of laws that give the United States the bragging rights of a true gunslinger. “Nothing will get the testosterone flowing like a few ‘Stand Your Ground’ laws in Ontario, Alberta, or British Columbia,” said Tucker Hawley, a Dallas lawyer who became a dead American last year when he was shot at a shopping mall. Hawley said he was a little freaked out after he was killed, along with several others, by a man whose social media posts suggests he had trouble talking to women. But once he got over the shock of being shot, he found his new life as a dead man not that bad. He never really liked to work anyway. More.
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House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) responded to the latest mass shooting in the United States with a message that the Republican tax cuts are working and Congress is ready to tackle the country’s crumbling infrastructure with public-private partnerships that envision more toll roads. “Employers are hiring and giving their employees bonuses because our tax cuts are stimulating the economy,” Ryan said at a hastily called press conference to respond to the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla. At least 17 students and faculty were killed when a former student opened fire with an automatic weapon. It was the fourth school shooting since the first of the year and the 18th mass shooting over that same time period. “What we’re seeing is a new incentive to invest in the economy and build our competitiveness for the next century,” Ryan said. More.