Trump Declares Victory as Americans, Exhausted, Give Up

Outlasting his critics

President Trump touted his victory over the American people today after it was reported that most people in the United States have given up trying to hold him to account for his lies, insults, bad staffing and policy choices, possible collusion with the Russians, and past financial scandals.

“We’ve made the large, beautiful American presidency great again,” Trump said in a rally-like address in West Virginia carried live by the broadcast networks and major cable providers. “When I started this, people were saying the presidency isn’t great anymore. Well, they’re not saying that now, are they?”

Trump credited his stamina for carrying him over the finish line while Americans by and large have run out of steam. “I have the best stamina, the strongest stamina, and I’ve been told that by many people, many doctors,” he said. “They’re surprised when they see how big my stamina is. They say they’ve never seen such stamina—how did it get so big? I can tell you, Hillary Clinton wouldn’t be sitting behind this desk today declaring her victory over the American people, I can tell you that.”

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Exhausted_smartphone_user.JPG

American in ‘give up’ mode

Jon Fremont, an American who was appalled at the idea of a Trump presidency, says he attended several rallies after the election and vowed to resist Trump for as long as necessary. But now he’s pretty much out of steam. “Do I like Trump being in the White House? Of course not,” he said. “I hate it. But I’ve pretty much checked out mentally from national politics. I’m done. I just can’t think about this shit anymore.”

Fremont says he has a life to live, something he’d forgotten over the last 18 months. “I woke up about a week ago and thought, ‘You know, I just can’t give that guy any more of my mental energy,’” he said. “It’s like, okay, whatever. I’ve got other things to do.”

Two dogs that have given up

Janet Elston, a marketing coordinator with a sales firm in Philadelphia, says she’s just going to ride out the rest of Trump’s term, because he’s already taken too much of her attention. “If he gets us blown up because of some stupid shit he does, whatever. I’ve done my part,” she said. “I’m so over this crap.”

To celebrate his victory, Trump is hosting a banquet for what he calls the fake news media. “You know, they don’t want to see their ratings drop to nothing if I’m gone,” he said. “They should be very happy. They are very happy. They will never admit it, but they love me.”

He also said he’s hosting Russian President Vladimir Putin in the White House, signing an executive order instructing agencies to stop enforcing the Americans with Disabilities Act, withholding funds from the Environmental Protection Agency, gutting the Securities and Exchange Commission, and closing the American embassy in London.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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