Trump on TPP, Syria Reversals: ‘Wish I Knew What the Fork I Was Doing’

Anyone know how to do this?

President Donald Trump today said it would be nice if he knew what the hell he was doing since Americans elected him to serve as their leader.

“Americans deserve a president who thinks about what he’s doing rather than just spouts off the first thing that comes to his mind,” the president said in unusually candid remarks to reporters. “Who doesn’t want to go in there and bomb the shit out of that animal Assad?” he went on, referring to Syria President Bashar al-Assad, who has been accused of using chemical weapons on his own people to quash revolt. “But does that mean you spout off about bombing his soldiers before you’ve sat down and worked out the implications with your military experts? Of course not, but that’s what I did. Boy, am I an idiot.”

Trump went on to say that “Americans deserve better,” but he acknowledged that he probably won’t change. “I’ve been this way my whole life,” he said. “It’s unrealistic to think I’m going to change now.”

That’s too bad, he added, because the country is starting to look stupid. “First I say we’re pulling out of TPP”—the Trans Pacific Partnership, a trade agreement—and now I’m saying I’m thinking about coming back in. What the fork am I doing? I can dress it up and say I’ll come back in if we make it better than Obama, but everyone knows that’s just a face-saving fig leaf. What happened was, I pulled out before I knew what I was doing and now I have to find a way back in, especially since I’m launching a trade war with China. God, am I the stupidest person to hold this office, or what?”

Trump said he’d like to start over and this time actually spend time learning the long-term implications of his actions before he takes them, but it’s too late now. “I’m forked and the American people are forked,” he said. “God, what a forked up president I am. I hope I’m impeached soon. I need to get my ass out of office before I do some real damage.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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