President Donald Trump today said it would be nice if he knew what the hell he was doing since Americans elected him to serve as their leader.
“Americans deserve a president who thinks about what he’s doing rather than just spouts off the first thing that comes to his mind,” the president said in unusually candid remarks to reporters. “Who doesn’t want to go in there and bomb the shit out of that animal Assad?” he went on, referring to Syria President Bashar al-Assad, who has been accused of using chemical weapons on his own people to quash revolt. “But does that mean you spout off about bombing his soldiers before you’ve sat down and worked out the implications with your military experts? Of course not, but that’s what I did. Boy, am I an idiot.”
Trump went on to say that “Americans deserve better,” but he acknowledged that he probably won’t change. “I’ve been this way my whole life,” he said. “It’s unrealistic to think I’m going to change now.”
That’s too bad, he added, because the country is starting to look stupid. “First I say we’re pulling out of TPP”—the Trans Pacific Partnership, a trade agreement—and now I’m saying I’m thinking about coming back in. What the fork am I doing? I can dress it up and say I’ll come back in if we make it better than Obama, but everyone knows that’s just a face-saving fig leaf. What happened was, I pulled out before I knew what I was doing and now I have to find a way back in, especially since I’m launching a trade war with China. God, am I the stupidest person to hold this office, or what?”
Trump said he’d like to start over and this time actually spend time learning the long-term implications of his actions before he takes them, but it’s too late now. “I’m forked and the American people are forked,” he said. “God, what a forked up president I am. I hope I’m impeached soon. I need to get my ass out of office before I do some real damage.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Kim Snuffs Out Dissent, Crushes Individuality, Exercises Absolute Authority in Most Honorable Way, Trump Says
President Trump reiterated his praise of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un as an honorable man by calling his approach to political assassination and imprisonment without due process as among the most honorable he’s ever seen. “You can kill your enemies and imprison them at will in a dishonorable way or an honorable way, and I have to grant that President Kim takes the honorable way,” Trump said today. Trump also said Kim honorably treats his people like faceless life masses who have no identity distinct from their role in the regime. More.
President Trump says his military parade, in which soldiers, tanks, missiles, and other vehicles will come down Pennsylvania Ave. in formation to showcase U.S. military might, will attract bigger audiences than President Obama’s military parade and will even be bigger than the parades of the last 10 presidents combined. “The tanks, the trucks—they’ll be like nothing we ever saw with Obama or even with the others,” Trump said this morning. “Very few people showed up for Obama’s parade. And I heard that some of the tanks broke down, Jeeps had flat tires, some soldiers didn’t march in a straight line.” More.
President Donald Trump took aim at law enforcement officers who waited outside while a former student shot up his school in Florida two weeks ago by saying he would have tried to save the kids even if he were unarmed and bone spurs on his feet were hurting him. “You don’t know until you test it,” Trump told a gathering of governors at the Whte House yesterday. “But I think I would have gone in. I love the kids, so I would have tried to ignore the pain on my heels. I’ve been told I’m a tough cookie. People have made that observation about me. It’s a tough call, but I think I would have gone in, although I probably would have had a bad limp.” Trump has proposed arming a portion of the country’s teachers and training them in the use of firearms as a way to deter school shootings, which are on the rise. The last major shooting, at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla., left 17 students and two teachers dead after Nikolas Cruz, 19, used a legally purchased assault rifle in a shooting spree. More.
President Donald Trump defended his call to Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his reelection to the Russian presidency earlier this week by saying he’s no different than any other leader who picks the candidates he runs against, controls the voting system in his country, and dictates any policy he wants as long as he doesn’t trigger opposition from his opponents who are lying in wait to depose him. “Theresa May, Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau—are they all so much different than President Putin?” Trump said in remarks to reporters this morning. Trump said that Theresa May, who is prime minister of Great Britain, wouldn’t be much different than Vladimir Putin if she had her political enemies assassinated and knew Parliament would rubber stamp any policy she handed it. More.
President Trump had a blunt message for China today after announcing punitive tariffs on steel and aluminum. “Until you open up your markets, you can expect our biggest trading partner, Canada, to get slapped with tariffs on the things we mostly get from them,” Trump said after signing his executive order imposing tariffs of up to 30 percent on key metal imports. Canada is the number one source of steel into the United States and also a big importer of aluminum, while China barely supplies 10 percent of steel into the United States. “When I ran for president, I said China was eating our lunch on trade,” Trump said. “We’re putting an end to that starting right row, by punishing the country that supplies most of our imports and also buys most of our exports: Canada.” More.
The Trump administration acknowledged this morning it’s becoming difficult to find men and women with honorable reputations to put through the meat grinder that is the White House. “I will concede it’s not as easy as it was before to get people who know how to run things or develop policy to climb into our meat grinder and let their reputations come squishing out the other end as ground beef,” said White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “It’s not at a crisis point yet, but the grinder sits empty as I speak.” More.
Twitter, the iconic microblogging platform that’s become central to communication today, has started counseling to address mounting anxiety from always having to “play the bad guy,” as it puts it, when President Donald Trump fires his top staff. “You laugh and say, ‘Don’t shoot the messenger,’ but I’m just a little blue bird and there are a lot of angry men with guns in this country,” says Twitter, which sat down for an exclusive interview with The Nattering Nabobs this morning. Twitter said it was excited and proud at first that it was playing such a central role in the presidency of Donald Trump, who has said his use of Twitter was key to his election victory. But after it became clear he was relying on Twitter to do all of his firings for him . . . More.
Calling its passage a national security priority because lawyers are refusing to defend President Trump against mounting accusations against him, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) introduced a bill requiring lawyers to register with the Selective Service and be prepared to serve in a new White House Office of Criminal Defense for an unspecified term. “It’s unacceptable that our president cannot assemble a team of lawyers to defend him and his office against the growing investigation over his campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia and the increasing number of lawsuits against him by women he’s allegedly harassed or had affairs with,” said Ryan. The United States has not required conscription of any kind since the Selective Service was ended in the mid-1970s, after the Vietnam War, but times have changed, Ryan said. More.
After a series of high-profile departures from his White House team, President Trump is increasingly relying on the advisor he said he would use most on the campaign trail: his “big, beautiful brain.” “I rely on myself first of all,” Trump said while campaigning for president in 2016. “I have a very big brain. You don’t have to feel bad. It’s not your fault.” But now aides are wondering if Trump’s brain will be the next member of his team to go. “After the departures of Mike Flynn, Reince Priebus, Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Steve Bannon, Jon Porter, and now Hope Hicks and Gary Cohn, there’s a concern that Trump’s brain is ready to jump ship as well,” said one White House aide who asked not to be identified because of the sensitivity of the topic. More.
President Donald Trump, his step a little lighter now that the reviews have been good on his decision to bomb a Syrian airbase, says Americans can expect more bombings in the weeks ahead. “There are going to be so many good opportunities to bomb things,” Trump said in his weekly radio address at the White House today. “We have North Korea. We have Iran. We have some other hot spots we’re looking at but aren’t ready to talk about yet. But they’ll be good bombing targets. A lot of pride among Americans, especially after all those disastrous Obama years when we blew so few things up.” Trump acknowledged he wasn’t expecting reviews across the political spectrum to be so good in response to his snap decision to send 59 Tomahawk missiles to the Shayrat military airbase in response to the Syrian government’s use of chemical weapons on its own citizens. More.
President Donald Trump said he based his decision to bomb the government of Bashar al-Assad in Syria on “raw emotion” and he’s left it to his generals to create a long-term engagement strategy that doesn’t leave Americans more vulnerable to middle east chaos. “I saw children murdered by their own government and I reacted to that,” Trump said today at the White House. “Now we’re working hard to build a policy around my decision. I think we’ll have a plan soon, maybe even before the weekend.” Trump said he’d been given policy papers on the situation in Syria, but what matters is what he sees on cable news. “And what I saw horrified me,” said Trump. “I think it’s important for the head of a country to act on the basis of emotions and without a long-term plan.” More.