The Trump administration acknowledged this morning it’s becoming difficult to find men and women with honorable reputations to put through the meat grinder that is the White House.
“I will concede it’s not as easy as it was before to get people who know how to run things or develop policy to climb into our meat grinder and let their reputations come squishing out the other end as ground beef,” said White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “It’s not at a crisis point yet, but the grinder sits empty as I speak.”
Sanders said it was never easy to fill the White House grinder with fresh meat because of President Trump’s reputation for dishonesty and disloyalty, but the White House itself was enough of a lure that the administration could usually find enough third- and fourth-tier people to say yes. But now even fifth- and sixth-tier people are hesitating.
“It’s pretty bad when even the White House as an institution has had its luster ground out of it,” said one White House aide who asked not to be identified so the person’s reputation would be somewhat protected, although the person has admitted that the reputation they once had is largely gone. “Nothing has escaped the Trump reputation grinder. Before, anyone who did a stint in the White House was golden. Job offers opened up like a tulip in spring. Now you’re ground beef and no one wants you. It’s horrible, especially if you’re a vegetarian.”
Among the officials who were known for their integrity and competence who saw their reputations turned into sausage are H.R. McMaster, the former general who served as national security advisor for a year, and Andrew McCabe, the FBI official who was appointed acting director after long-time director James Comey was fired from the job. Both have been turned into hamburger and are fighting to retain their self-respect so they can one day get reemployed and help put food on the table for their families.
“It was an honor to serve at the White House,” says McMaster, who had his reputation forced through the meat grinder after defending the president on Russia leaks. “It was the fulfillment of a dream to be turned into a meat product that sells for $4.29 a pound after being considered a well-marbled rib eye steak that sells for more than eight dollars a pound.”
McCabe, a lifelong Republican who says he tried to serve honorably but was accused by Trump of trying to tip the scale of justice in favor of Democrat Hillary Clinton during the 2016 election, says he continues to believe he always acted with integrity. “I was appointed by a Republican president, so of course I consider it an honor to be ground into meat by my Republican president,” he says. “My wife, a doctor with an unimpeachable reputation for integrity and competence, is also honored to have been pushed into the grinder and forced to defend herself in an op-ed in the Washington Post. Who wouldn’t be glad to have had the good fortune to come in contact with this White House and be ground, bones and all, into history. As you slide me between two pieces of bread and top me with lettuce and tomato, I hope you’ll remember me before I was just part of a meal that you’ll eat with little thought and will soon forget. At one time, my lifetime career of public service might have provided you with more sustenance, but now we’ll both have to be content with my being a fast-food meal that you wolf own in an airport as you rush to catch a flight to nowhere on a plane piloted by a monkey who doesn’t care whose house he crashes into. I am so glad I came into contact with this presidency.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
President Donald Trump today said it would be nice if he knew what the hell he was doing since Americans elected him to serve as their leader. “Americans deserve a president who thinks about what he’s doing rather than just spouts off the first thing that comes to his mind,” the president said in unusually candid remarks to reporters. “Who doesn’t want to go in there and bomb the shit out of that animal Assad?” he went on, referring to Syria President Bashar al-Assad, who has been accused of using chemical weapons on his own people to quash revolt. “But does that mean you spout off about bombing his soldiers before you’ve sat down and worked out the implications with your military experts? Of course not, but that’s what I did. Boy, am I an idiot.” Trump went on to say that “Americans deserve better,” but he acknowledged that he probably won’t change. “I’ve been this way my whole life,” he said. “It’s unrealistic to think I’m going to change now.” More.
In what is expected to be a fresh blow to the presidency of Donald Trump, The New York Times today plans to disclose the identity of the president’s top advisor, “many people,” potentially making it more difficult for the president to demonstrate support for his policies. “After an exhaustive investigation by our team of dedicated journalists, we have learned that “many people” is Jeff Banks, a former marketing associate who now works from home as a consultant, although he doesn’t list any clients at the present time,” Times Executive Editor Jean Paquet says in a statement. According to the forthcoming Times report, Trump referred to Banks, 36, as “many people” after Banks tweeted in 2015 that Donald Trump would make a great president and should run for office. More.
After a series of high-profile departures from his White House team, President Trump is increasingly relying on the advisor he said he would use most on the campaign trail: his “big, beautiful brain.” “I rely on myself first of all,” Trump said while campaigning for president in 2016. “I have a very big brain. You don’t have to feel bad. It’s not your fault.” But now aides are wondering if Trump’s brain will be the next member of his team to go. “After the departures of Mike Flynn, Reince Priebus, Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Steve Bannon, Jon Porter, and now Hope Hicks and Gary Cohn, there’s a concern that Trump’s brain is ready to jump ship as well,” said one White House aide who asked not to be identified because of the sensitivity of the topic. More.
President Donald Trump defended his call to Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his reelection to the Russian presidency earlier this week by saying he’s no different than any other leader who picks the candidates he runs against, controls the voting system in his country, and dictates any policy he wants as long as he doesn’t trigger opposition from his opponents who are lying in wait to depose him. “Theresa May, Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau—are they all so much different than President Putin?” Trump said in remarks to reporters this morning. Trump said that Theresa May, who is prime minister of Great Britain, wouldn’t be much different than Vladimir Putin if she had her political enemies assassinated and knew Parliament would rubber stamp any policy she handed it. More.
President Trump had a blunt message for China today after announcing punitive tariffs on steel and aluminum. “Until you open up your markets, you can expect our biggest trading partner, Canada, to get slapped with tariffs on the things we mostly get from them,” Trump said after signing his executive order imposing tariffs of up to 30 percent on key metal imports. Canada is the number one source of steel into the United States and also a big importer of aluminum, while China barely supplies 10 percent of steel into the United States. “When I ran for president, I said China was eating our lunch on trade,” Trump said. “We’re putting an end to that starting right row, by punishing the country that supplies most of our imports and also buys most of our exports: Canada.” More.
House and Senate leaders, concerned recent moves by Donald Trump could cause lasting damage to the United States, say it might be necessary to remove the President from office before he’s given due process because going through impeachment and then a vote to remove him would take too long. “We like taking his office first and going through due process second,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) told reporters after meeting with a bi-partisan group of leaders from the House and Senate. “Think of a crazy person holding a gun. You want to take the gun first and give him due process later.” McConnell said lawmakers don’t have a lot of time because the President is about to launch a trade war, which is expected to lead to retaliatory measures from many countries, including many allied countries, and the midterm elections are coming up and the President has yet to order action against efforts Russia has already taken to destabilize the process. More.
White House Communications Director Hope Hicks, after testifying in a closed-door hearing of the House Intelligence Committee, said she’s launching a movement called #WhiteLiesMatter to protect President Trump’s ability to lie on behalf of the American people. “No one should be telling this President and this White House what they can and cannot say to forward the agenda of the American people,” she said. Hicks accused Democratic members of the House Intelligence Committee of repeatedly challenging her about what’s true and what’s not after she admitted she tells white lies on behalf of the President. “Democrats want to tell the President and his White House what to say,” she said in a tweet last night. “We must not let them. #WhiteLiesMatter.” More.
President Donald Trump took aim at law enforcement officers who waited outside while a former student shot up his school in Florida two weeks ago by saying he would have tried to save the kids even if he were unarmed and bone spurs on his feet were hurting him. “You don’t know until you test it,” Trump told a gathering of governors at the Whte House yesterday. “But I think I would have gone in. I love the kids, so I would have tried to ignore the pain on my heels. I’ve been told I’m a tough cookie. People have made that observation about me. It’s a tough call, but I think I would have gone in, although I probably would have had a bad limp.” Trump has proposed arming a portion of the country’s teachers and training them in the use of firearms as a way to deter school shootings, which are on the rise. The last major shooting, at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla., left 17 students and two teachers dead after Nikolas Cruz, 19, used a legally purchased assault rifle in a shooting spree. More.
President Trump, long considered a master at keeping track of his lies, is starting to get his lies confused with one another and making mistakes that are uncharacteristic of him, aides say. “I don’t know if it’s the pressure of the job or his age or some combination of the two, but the President is not the guy who could make up stories on the fly anymore,” one aide said on the condition of anonymity so the person could speak freely about the President’s mental state. The aide cited the current messaging challenge posed by former White House secretary Ron Porter, who resigned two weeks ago after allegations arose that he abused his two ex-wives and also an ex girlfriend. More.
Top White House policy aide Stephen Miller has been accused of abusing himself by yelling at his face in the mirror when he shaves, making disparaging remarks about his empty social life when he eats dinner alone, and wishing he were anyone other than the most disliked person in Washington when he wakes up in the morning. The accusation, which was first reported by The Guardian of London, is based on an extensive interview with Miller by the publication and corroborated by Miller’s neighbor, who says she hears “abusive, expletive-filled language” every night between Miller and his bathroom mirror. More.
President Trump says his military parade, in which soldiers, tanks, missiles, and other vehicles will come down Pennsylvania Ave. in formation to showcase U.S. military might, will attract bigger audiences than President Obama’s military parade and will even be bigger than the parades of the last 10 presidents combined. “The tanks, the trucks—they’ll be like nothing we ever saw with Obama or even with the others,” Trump said this morning. “Very few people showed up for Obama’s parade. And I heard that some of the tanks broke down, Jeeps had flat tires, some soldiers didn’t march in a straight line.” More.