Trump Running out of People to Run Through His Reputation Meat Grinder

Who’s ready to go next?

The Trump administration acknowledged this morning it’s becoming difficult to find men and women with honorable reputations to put through the meat grinder that is the White House.

“I will concede it’s not as easy as it was before to get people who know how to run things or develop policy to climb into our meat grinder and let their reputations come squishing out the other end as ground beef,” said White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “It’s not at a crisis point yet, but the grinder sits empty as I speak.”

Sanders said it was never easy to fill the White House grinder with fresh meat because of President Trump’s reputation for dishonesty and disloyalty, but the White House itself was enough of a lure that the administration could usually find enough third- and fourth-tier people to say yes. But now even fifth- and sixth-tier people are hesitating.

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“It’s pretty bad when even the White House as an institution has had its luster ground out of it,” said one White House aide who asked not to be identified so the person’s reputation would be somewhat protected, although the person has admitted that the reputation they once had is largely gone. “Nothing has escaped the Trump reputation grinder. Before, anyone who did a stint in the White House was golden. Job offers opened up like a tulip in spring. Now you’re ground beef and no one wants you. It’s horrible, especially if you’re a vegetarian.”

Among the officials who were known for their integrity and competence who saw their reputations turned into sausage are H.R. McMaster, the former general who served as national security advisor for a year, and Andrew McCabe, the FBI official who was appointed acting director after long-time director James Comey was fired from the job. Both have been turned into hamburger and are fighting to retain their self-respect so they can one day get reemployed and help put food on the table for their families.

“It was an honor to serve at the White House,” says McMaster, who had his reputation forced through the meat grinder after defending the president on Russia leaks. “It was the fulfillment of a dream to be turned into a meat product that sells for $4.29 a pound after being considered a well-marbled rib eye steak that sells for more than eight dollars a pound.”

McCabe, a lifelong Republican who says he tried to serve honorably but was accused by Trump of trying to tip the scale of justice in favor of Democrat Hillary Clinton during the 2016 election, says he continues to believe he always acted with integrity. “I was appointed by a Republican president, so of course I consider it an honor to be ground into meat by my Republican president,” he says. “My wife, a doctor with an unimpeachable reputation for integrity and competence, is also honored to have been pushed into the grinder and forced to defend herself in an op-ed in the Washington Post. Who wouldn’t be glad to have had the good fortune to come in contact with this White House and be ground, bones and all, into history. As you slide me between two pieces of bread and top me with lettuce and tomato, I hope you’ll remember me before I was just part of a meal that you’ll eat with little thought and will soon forget. At one time, my lifetime career of public service might have provided you with more sustenance, but now we’ll both have to be content with my being a fast-food meal that you wolf own in an airport as you rush to catch a flight to nowhere on a plane piloted by a monkey who doesn’t care whose house he crashes into. I am so glad I came into contact with this presidency.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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