Calling its passage a national security priority because lawyers are refusing to defend President Trump against mounting accusations against him, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) introduced a bill requiring lawyers to register with the Selective Service and be prepared to serve in a new White House Office of Criminal Defense for an unspecified term.
“It’s unacceptable that our president cannot assemble a team of lawyers to defend him and his office against the growing investigation over his campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia and the increasing number of lawsuits against him by women he’s allegedly harassed or had affairs with,” said Ryan.
The United States has not required conscription of any kind since the Selective Service was ended in the mid-1970s, after the Vietnam War, but times have changed, Ryan said. “Drafting Americans to come to our country’s defense is a responsibility we as lawmakers cannot take lightly, but when there’s a clear and present danger, as we are faced with now, we must be resolute and act,” he said.
Already the bill has provoked a backlash. “Hell no, we won’t go!” said a group of lawyers representing the American Bar Association at a rally in Washington.
John Cooper, a former U.S. Solicitor General, called it unconscionable for the government to think it can pull a lawyer away from his or her billable hours to work, pro bono, for the president. “I have a mortgage—well, three, actually—and country club fees not only here but in Ireland as well,” Cooper said. “I can’t be leaving my practice to work in a cubicle in Washington because the president’s son is a numbskull!”
Peter Lasker of Lasker Beane, one of Boston’s biggest law firms, said he would burn his draft card if the government tried to issue him one. “Don’t think I won’t open an office in Toronto!” Lasker said. “I’m already looking forward to buying a private box to watch the Blue Jays. I’ll especially enjoy watching them crush the Nationals in a five-game series.”
Members of the Trial Lawyers Association are planning to block traffic on Constitution Avenue with their Teslas, Lamborghinis, and classic Ferraris in a show of force. “We are prepared to tolerate significant paint scratches on the Teslas to shut this city down,” said James Knowles, a partner with Knowles Farber, whose clients include many former cabinet secretaries.
As of this morning, 30 Republicans and two Democrats had signed onto Ryan’s bill. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) said the bill would require significant changes for more Democrats to get behind it. “First, any lawyer who will be needed to work on the president’s impeachment next year needs to be exempted from the draft,” she said. “And second, there must be some mechanism to protect lawyers who do work for Trump to preserve their reputation and integrity after they’ve served their term. Third, there must be significant resources set aside to treat the wave of PTSD we know would be coming. We can’t simply ask these people to go into this house of horrors without offering them real help for when they come out. We owe it to them to help them recover after they’ve made the ultimate professional sacrifice for their country.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
President Trump tweeted his condolences to the family of John McCain, the former prisoner of war, presidential candidate, and long-time U.S. senator from Arizona who passed away this weekend. But at an appearance at the Family Leadership Summit in Iowa this morning, Trump slammed McCain as a Republican senator who let his side down by dying. “He’s attracting all these glowing tributes because he died,” Trump says. “I like people who don’t die, I hate to tell you.” Trump went on to say that McCain was the last, or maybe the second to last, senator to toe the Republican line on health care, tax cuts, and border security. “Nobody knows that,” Trump said. “McCain was upset once because I pointed that out, and I said, ‘Why? For telling the truth?’ More.
Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Calif.), who blamed his wife Margaret for his alleged illegal use of $250,000 in campaign contributions on personal expenses, says she’s also responsible for his saying climate change isn’t real, woman who are raped shouldn’t be allowed to take a morning after pill, and that men in the military shouldn’t have to take showers with transgender recruits if they still have “the girl stuff” on them. He also blamed his wife for his defense of Rep. Greg Giaforte (R-Mont.), who in 2016 was convicted of body slamming a reporter at a campaign event, and for his defense of Donald Trump’s toxic personality by saying that while Trump is an asshole, “he’s our asshole.” Hunter also blamed his wife for his opposition to same-sex marriage, making health insurance harder to get for people who don’t work at jobs where health insurance is a benefit, and for his support of vaping in closed spaces. More.
A confidential memo prepared by White House lawyers has found that the president of the United States is in fact above the law and that the American people are in fact out of luck. “After exhaustive research into the Constitution of the United States and applicable legal precedents,” the memo says, “we have concluded that the president of the United States is actually above the law notwithstanding the idea that no one is above the law.” The memo goes on to explain that the president can shoot people, including former heads of the FBI, and fabricate reasons for meeting with enemies of the state while a candidate for president without consequences. More.
President Donald Trump today said it would be nice if he knew what the hell he was doing since Americans elected him to serve as their leader. “Americans deserve a president who thinks about what he’s doing rather than just spouts off the first thing that comes to his mind,” the president said in unusually candid remarks to reporters. “Who doesn’t want to go in there and bomb the shit out of that animal Assad?” he went on, referring to Syria President Bashar al-Assad, who has been accused of using chemical weapons on his own people to quash revolt. “But does that mean you spout off about bombing his soldiers before you’ve sat down and worked out the implications with your military experts? Of course not, but that’s what I did. Boy, am I an idiot.” Trump went on to say that “Americans deserve better,” but he acknowledged that he probably won’t change. “I’ve been this way my whole life,” he said. “It’s unrealistic to think I’m going to change now.” More.
In what is expected to be a fresh blow to the presidency of Donald Trump, The New York Times today plans to disclose the identity of the president’s top advisor, “many people,” potentially making it more difficult for the president to demonstrate support for his policies. “After an exhaustive investigation by our team of dedicated journalists, we have learned that “many people” is Jeff Banks, a former marketing associate who now works from home as a consultant, although he doesn’t list any clients at the present time,” Times Executive Editor Jean Paquet says in a statement. According to the forthcoming Times report, Trump referred to Banks, 36, as “many people” after Banks tweeted in 2015 that Donald Trump would make a great president and should run for office. More.
Twitter, the iconic microblogging platform that’s become central to communication today, has started counseling to address mounting anxiety from always having to “play the bad guy,” as it puts it, when President Donald Trump fires his top staff. “You laugh and say, ‘Don’t shoot the messenger,’ but I’m just a little blue bird and there are a lot of angry men with guns in this country,” says Twitter, which sat down for an exclusive interview with The Nattering Nabobs this morning. Twitter said it was excited and proud at first that it was playing such a central role in the presidency of Donald Trump, who has said his use of Twitter was key to his election victory. But after it became clear he was relying on Twitter to do all of his firings for him . . . More.
In the first charge to come out of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian collusion by the Trump campaign, a grand jury has indicted one third of American voters for acts of criminal stupidity. “Evidence collected over the last six months provides clear and convincing evidence that 62.9 million Americans acted with criminal negligence and stupidity in voting for a man who repeatedly demonstrated he is unfit for high office,” the highly anticipated document says. The indictment, which was unsealed in federal court today, says Donald Trump, when he was a candidate for president of the United States, made it clear he neither understood nor respected the institutions of the country he was seeking to lead. “Voting for a candidate who undermined the democratic institutions of the United States violates the duties of Americans to undertake their responsibilities as voters responsibly. More.
The president of the United States, Donald Trump, said on Twitter today “DO SOMETHING!” The president, citing “GUILT by Democrats/Clinton,” pointed to the “Uranium to Russia deal, the 33,000 plus deleted Emails, the Comey fix and so much more.” In other news, Trump’s one-time campaign manager, Paul Manafort, was indicted by a federal grand jury this morning and faces possible criminal charges for money laundering in connection to the investigation by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, who is looking into collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. Manafort business associate Rick Gates was also indicted in connection with the matter. White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee-Sanders says Trump stands by his call for someone somewhere to do something. “The president is clear that he wants something to be done and he wants it done now,” Huckabee-Sanders said. More.
President Trump criticized former president Barack Obama for not reaching into his own bank account to give a big payout to the families of soldiers who died protecting their country. “Did Obama ever give any money to our precious Gold Star families?” the president asked at a press briefing today. “I really don’t think so. I’ve been told he never did, never sacrificed his money to pay a wife who lost a husband protecting our country.” Trump said he might be the first president to use his own funds to help a grief-stricken family, “It’s one thing, you know, to call and offer condolences to the wife or mother for losing their guy,” he said. “Their guy knew what he signed up for, but, really, who ever signs up to give his life? No one. But it happens. Very sad when it does. Very tragic.” More.
Melania’s Body Double Speaks Out, Says She’s Repeatedly Asked Donald to Provide a Body Double at Night
First Lady Melania Trump’s body double, Nika Horvath, came forward today to confirm her role as a stand-in for the First Lady after her identity was revealed by childhood friends who saw her on TV while Donald Trump spoke about the Iranian nuclear agreement. “It is not my favor to be in public eye in this manner but I cannot hide from the knowledge now and so I speak out,” says Horvath, who, like Melania Trump, was born in Novo Mesto, Slovenia, in 1970. Horvath, a fashion model who has worked mainly in Eastern Europe and parts of Northern Africa, says she and the First Lady became friends in elementary school in part because they looked so much alike. “The people they would comment on our physical characters and they put us together and that was good because we like each other, yes, right from the beginning days,” she said. More.
President Donald Trump said no one respects freedom of the press more than he does but if outlets such as CNN and NBC continue to produce fake news, he’s going to be forced to take action to ensure the news Americans receive is real. “It’s not something I want to do,” he said at a press briefing today. “Believe me. I want our press to be so free and so good. In fact, I think my policy on the press is more fair than Obama’s. I’m not sure what his policy was, but I hear it wasn’t so good, frankly, And mine is better. That’s what I’m told. I’m just saying.” Trump said he’s looking into how to “open up” the press so it’s more accountable to truth. “Are they running fake stories about Russian collusion?” he said. More.
Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, who won almost 3 million more votes than President-elect Donald Trump but lost in the electoral college, had a secret plan to require a minimum percentage of marriages to be mixed as a way to further diversity goals—a longstanding priority of liberal Democrats. “Just as we require a minimum number of federal contracts to go to minority- and women-owned businesses, we will require a minimum percentage of marriages to e mixed, whether by ethnicity, religion, or gender,” says the secret plan, which was revealed in an email and released on WikiLeaks. The email is thought to be part of the Russian hacking of the Democratic National Committee during the general election. According to the plan, diverse households are more tolerant of diversity goals than non-diverse households, so by requiring a minimum percentage of marriages to be mixed, the plan theorizes, an increasing number of households will be tolerant of diversity. More.
FBI Director James Comey said he’s shocked Republicans are using his vague and cryptic letter to lawmakers about Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton’s emails to fuel their theories of a massive criminal coverup. “I just can’t believe people are seizing on my mysterious, innuendo-laden letter to rile up Republicans who are disposed to mistrust Hillary Clinton,” Comey said in a statement today. “It never occurred to me that I would give fodder to conspiracy theories about Hillary Clinton by saying I was reopening the investigation of her even though I don’t know what’s in the emails we discovered.” Comey, a Republican appointed by President Obama in 2013 in a show of bipartisanship, said he’s “a little shaken up” that Clinton critics are “making a big deal about this” and using it to reinforce their belief Clinton “is a criminal who is trying to become president” by rigging the election. More.
Alex Jones, the far-right conspirator who has used his show, Infowars, to stoke mistrust in Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, said on his radio show this morning there’s probably nothing of interest in the the emails found on devices belonging to Clinton aide Huma Abedin and her estranged husband, disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner. “It would be nice to sit here and say these emails will finally explode the presidential campaign of crooked Hillary Clinton, but they probably don’t amount to anything,” said Jones, an influential voice in the so-called “Alt-Right” fringe movement. “I think a lot of the emails are duplicates of what the FBI has already looked at in its investigation of whether Clinton criminally mishandled classified emails while she was secretary of state. More.
A poll conducted shortly after the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump at Hofstra University shows voters overwhelmingly believe the Democratic nominee is unqualified for the presidency because her husband, former president Bill Clinton, cheated on her. “How many affairs did Bill Clinton have? Four? Five?” says Greg Newsome, a warehouse supervisor in Harrisburg, Pa. “And she wants to be president? I just don’t see how she can be our leader if her husband had affairs with other women.” Many voters say they’re disappointed Trump held back from bringing up Bill Clinton’s affairs during the first debate. “If there’s a nuclear emergency at 3 a.m., how will Hillary make the right decision if her husband couldn’t keep his pants on when he was younger?” says Ann Burton, a retired school teacher in Springfield, Mo. More.
Hank Galloway, a retired stockroom supervisor who lost about $16,000 when he invested in a Trump resort that was never built, says Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is a corrupt politician who stole plateware from the White House and should be sent to prison and he wouldn’t mind if she were on the target side of a bullet, either. “That was a good chunk of my life’s savings that I lost in that Trump project,” says Galloway, 69. “If Crooked Hillary doesn’t go to jail instead of the White House, it’s because we’re letting terrorists laugh up their sleeve at our country and giving good-paying jobs to Mexicans who think life in America is one long siesta.” Galloway says he also tried to learn how to become a real estate investor by taking classes at Trump University, but he didn’t learn anything except that he should invest money in Trump projects, which he did. “It’s these regulations that the Socialists in Congress impose on business that’s strangling this country,” he says. More.
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) says he has asked Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-S.C) to start the process of impeaching Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton even though she hasn’t won the presidency yet because waiting could enable her to govern should she win more votes in November than her Republican rival Donald Trump. “I acknowledge it’s unprecedented to start impeaching a president before the president is elected, but we live in unprecedented times and we must act to protect the American people before a president commits an impeachable act that we know the president will commit,” says Ryan, who made his announcement at the Capitol this morning. More.