Jeff Stewart was thrilled that Michigan won in the latest round of the Men’s NCAA basketball championship this year, defeating Montana . But he’ll be damned if he can remember why he even gave a flying fuck. “I mean, nothing of consequence hinged on who won the game,” says Stewart, 34, “so it’s just so weird how I read newspaper articles on the teams leading up to the game and otherwise devoted countless hours of my life to who would win—hours that I’ll never get back.”
The South Bend, Ind., resident never played basketball in school, although he used to shoot baskets with friends at a park not far from his house. Basketball is big in Indiana, especially at the college level, and people talk about it a lot. But Stewart says it’s kind of boring to watch on TV. “Guys go one direction, shoot the ball, guys go the other direction, shoot the ball … it’s just not that flippin’ exciting,” he says.
But even more important is why he should even care. “I don’t know any of the players or the coaches, and in fact I don’t think ant of the players or the coaches are actually from the area whose school they represent,” he says. “So, you’re not really rooting for a school; you’re rooting for a collection of talent that’s been assembled by the coaching staff to play basketball for a season.”
Stewart says that the dozens of hours he’s spent watching college basketball on TV would have been better spent on something consequential to his life, like learning a new job skill or taking a second language or, even better, understanding tough public policy issues like Obamacare. “It’s kind of pathetic,” he says, “Here I’ve been slamming Obamacare for destroying our country and yet I’ve never really looked into it to see what it’s about,” he says. “Maybe before I started heaping all this scorn on it, I should have spent a few hours trying to understand how it works and whether it really does represent a socialist takeover of our country. But, I never did that. Instead, I spent hours upon hours watching basketball games that, in the end, I really couldn’t care less about.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (modified): bba-tp (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
LONDON—Some of the world’s top women tennis players say their game has struggled as they try to keep their new Nike tennis dress from interfering with their shots, but they also love the way the dress doubles as lingerie for later that night. “Anytime I can pack one dress instead of two while I’m on the road I’m happy,” says Ivana Sveltka, the top-ranked Moldovan player gearing up for the second round at Wimbledon this week. “Being able to play in the dress during the day and then slip it on at night as a comfortable nightie is just wonderful.” The dress, which Nike-sponsored players are required to wear under their sponsorship agreements with the company, breaks the mold in tennis attire by replacing the standard skirt and top design with a single, loose fitting dress that’s notable for its high cut and willowy fabric. More.
Melania’s Body Double Speaks Out, Says She’s Repeatedly Asked Donald to Provide a Body Double at Night
First Lady Melania Trump’s body double, Nika Horvath, came forward today to confirm her role as a stand-in for the First Lady after her identity was revealed by childhood friends who saw her on TV while Donald Trump spoke about the Iranian nuclear agreement. “It is not my favor to be in public eye in this manner but I cannot hide from the knowledge now and so I speak out,” says Horvath, who, like Melania Trump, was born in Novo Mesto, Slovenia, in 1970. Horvath, a fashion model who has worked mainly in Eastern Europe and parts of Northern Africa, says she and the First Lady became friends in elementary school in part because they looked so much alike. “The people they would comment on our physical characters and they put us together and that was good because we like each other, yes, right from the beginning days,” she said. More.
GREENVILLE, S.C.—Deja Vu was bustling on Monday night but many of the men at the strip club weren’t enjoying the star attraction’s dance routine. The club was featuring Stormy Daniels, the newly famous stripper who allegedly was paid $130,000 before the 2016 presidential election to keep quiet about an affair she had with Donald Trump after his youngest son was born. But instead of being treated to a dance routine involving booty shakes, the men got what looked like a complex interpretive dance routine. “I’m not sure, but I think she was trying to tell a story or something,” said Jake Snyder, a regular at the club. More.
Kellyanne Conway, one of the most visible defenders of Donald Trump’s presidency, says photos of her in a bikini are “alternative facts” that are being spread on the Internet to try to take the focus off the things the Trump administration is doing, like accusing President Barack Obama of wire tapping Trump Towers, using the presidency to spread accusations about Muslim attacks in Sweden, and saying immigration curbs are needed because of a massacre in Bowling Green, Ky. “I have clearly been photoshopped into images of other women to hurt Donald Trump by demeaning me as a person,” said Conway, 50. “It’s a personal attack on my character that’s been put forward without regard to the truth and without regard to the long-term impact this will have on our democracy, our shared trust in our institutions, and our credibility as a nation.” More.
In a sensational claim, the supermarket tabloid Weekly National Report says a 50-year-old woman in Fayetteville, Ark., Dannielle Eggles, is the daughter of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and she’s demanding a “White House bedroom” for her and her husband if he is elected president. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I feel I must come forward because it’s time for my daddy to stop pretending I don’t exist,” Eggles said at a press conference in Fayetteville yesterday. Eggles, a clerk at Target, said she had resigned herself to living in the shadow of her famous father and her glamorous half brothers and sisters, but six months ago she and her husband, Ron Eggles, decided she could no longer do that. “We just thought it wasnt fair that Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, Donald, Jr., and Barron all get to live the high life while we have to scrape our fingers to the bone just because daddy pretends I don’t exist.” More.
NEW YORK CITY—Dan Peeker, publisher of the National Midnight Star, said at a journalism conference here yesterday he won’t let his friendship with Donald Trump bias his coverage of the general election between Trump and Hillary Clinton. “Hillary’s dishonesty makes her a tempting target, but I can assure you all the stories we’ve pre-written about her flaws are objective,” says Peeker, 63. Peeker has been chairman and CEO of U.S. A. Publications, which owns the National Midnight Star, since 1990, and critics say he’s using his publication as a tool to help his golf buddy win the presidency. It was his tabloid that broke the April 3 story of Ted Cruz’s affairs with five prominent Republican political women, which hurt the Texas senator in Wisconsin, and it broke the April 19 piece about . . . More.
The U.S. Department of Justice is set to announce whether it will press charges against presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton for her use of a private email server while she was secretary of state. Whichever way the announcement goes, though, Clinton comes out a loser, and Clinton says she’s okay with that. “If the Department of Justice says it will press charges, I guess I would be in ‘big trouble,'” Clinton says. “Hah hah. It would be unprecedented for a major party candidate to face federal criminal charges while running for president of the United States. But if it exonerates me, the Justice department will be playing into the hands of critics who say the system is rigged in my favor. No matter what happens, I’m screwed. Hah hah.” More.
In a sensational news scoop by Third-World Times, President Donald Trump of the United States secretly recorded his phone conversations with James Comey, his FBI director, before he fired him! According to the Times, President Trump asked Comey to say whether the FBI was investigating him, and Comey, not knowing he was being recorded, said he wasn’t! Now, if the FBI indicts Trump on a charge of colluding with the Russians to win the presidency, President Trump can call Comey a liar and ruin his reputation! Trump has boxed Comey in and painted him into a corner! “He’s a smart cookie, that Trump,” says a Washington insider, according to the Times. Meanwhile, Democratic lawmakers in Washington are upset at Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein for drafting the memo that Trump used as the basis for Comey’s firing. More.