After a series of high-profile departures from his White House team, President Trump is increasingly relying on the advisor he said he would use most on the campaign trail: his “big, beautiful brain.”
“I rely on myself first of all,” Trump said while campaigning for president in 2016. “I have a very big brain. You don’t have to feel bad. It’s not your fault.”
But now aides are wondering if Trump’s brain will be the next member of his team to go.
“After the departures of Mike Flynn, Reince Priebus, Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Steve Bannon, Jon Porter, and now Hope Hicks and Gary Cohn, there’s a concern that Trump’s brain is ready to jump ship as well,” said one White House aide who asked not to be identified because of the sensitivity of the topic. “Hope Hicks was a major blow, because she was like one of his limbs. But his brain is his brain. Without that, there’s just that comb-over on top of his head. He can’t rely on that, although he’d probably like to.”
Another aide said an increasing share of policymaking is already falling to his brain, which, while very smart, has little experience sorting through different sides to an issue and formulating a plan that helps the United States for the long-term.
“Can his brain improvise and come up with something provocative and attention-getting in the short term? Yes, absolutely,” the aide said. “Just look at his decision to throw the fate of the Dreamers to Congress, or his decision to slap steel and aluminum tariffs on our allies. But to think of something genuinely helpful to the country? It’s not up to that task and it’s starting to show.”
Aides said Trump relied on his brain to come up with a policy on importation of elephant trophies and the results have been criticized roundly, because at first he said he would ban the importation of the trophies and then he said he would allow some into the country. “That kind of inconsistency is characteristic of a policy aide that’s out of his depth and we’re seeing that with his brain,” one aide said. “Everyone’s frustrated: Trump, other aides, and even his brain, which is why we’re concerned it’s getting ready to hand in its resignation letter.”
If that were to happen, Trump would be operating with what amounted to a skeleton crew: his daughter Ivanka, her husband Jared Kushner, Stephen Miller, and his comb-over.
“Kushner is feeling heat from his business dealings and could be out within months,” an aide said. “No one takes Ivanka seriously. That leaves just Stephen Miler and the comb-over. That’s not what you would call an A Team. That’s not even a B Team. That’s a clown show and his presidency is going to suffer for it.”
If his brain is planning to leave, it’s keeping its plans tightly under wraps. When asked whether it was planning to leave soon, his brain said it planned to stay as long as President Trump wanted it there. “If he wants me, I’m here under his come-over and behind his eyes,” his brain said. “If he wants me gone, I will do what’s best for the country and leave. Of course, he knows where to find me if he wants me back. I’ll still be inside his head, making his mouth move, if he needs me.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): pd (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
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