Conservative news tabloid National Midnight Star released a blockbuster report today claiming Donald Trump’s relationship with porn star Stormy Daniels in 2006 didn’t occur spontaneously but was arranged and paid for by his wife Melania so she could “get him out of the bed for a freakin’ while” and focus on raising their son.
“You have to understand, Melania thought having sex with Donald Trump was a small price to pay to get the lifestyle she wanted with his money,” says a White House staffer who was quoted anonymously by the tabloid. “But she realized after a year with him that it wasn’t a small price at all; it was a price that was too steep for her to pay and she became desperate, as anyone would.”
According to the report, Melania brought in Daniels and another actress to promote Wicked, a porn production company, at the 2006 golf tournament. “It was a stroke of genius,” the staffer said. “You usually promote sports drinks or nutrition bars at these tournaments, but Melania knew Donald wouldn’t be able to resist a porn star, especially one that reminded him of Ivanka.”
An aide who joined the Trump household shortly after they were married says she had never seen Melania so happy and relaxed. “She used to say that, if she never had to have Donald’s ‘tiny little fingers’ touching her skin again she would die happy,” the aide said. “Unfortunately, the affair only lasted about a year, which Melania was unhappy about but she understood entirely. In fact, she was surprised Stormy could endure it for as long as she did. Of course, it was expensive. Melania was paying through the nose for her, but even for a professional like Stormy Daniels, you can only carry on the act for so long. Plus, Stormy apparently hated it when Trump’s hair wafted around his head. It was like getting cotton candy blown up your nose and stuck to your tongue, only it wasn’t sweet. And it tickled, too, but not in a good way.”
The aide said Melania is upset at Daniels for threatening to make noise about the affair in 2016, after Trump stepped into the presidential race. But she also retains a soft spot for the porn star.
“I think Melania understands the hell she put Daniels through,” the aide said. “In a way, the two of them have a bond, as any people do when they’ve gone through a horrible experience together. The problem for Melania is, she’s still experiencing the horror while it’s over for Stormy.”
The aide described Melania as conflicted. “She knows she’s lucky to have the money Trump has borrowed from the Russians over the years, and to even be the First Lady of a country that was great before her husband ruined it,” the aide says. “But she’s also resentful that Stormy can command $130,000 even though she hasn’t had to see Trump naked in almost a decade. I know it’s hard for people to believe, but life can be tough even for someone who appears to have it all, like Melania. She does have it all—all the good as well as all the bad. It’s just that the bad is really, really bad.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Besieged former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen says he should get the soundproof phone booth in the EPA director’s office now that Scott Pruitt has resigned from that position because no one on earth needs a secure place to make phone calls more than he does. “I’ve got a dozen prosecutors poring through every computer, laptop, tablet, and phone I own,” Cohen complained to reporters this morning. “If I had a carrier pigeon they’d be searching its legs for private messages. I need that friggin’ phone booth.” Cohen, who worked as Trump’s fixer for more than a dozen years and is at the center of an investigation into payments he made to women to keep them quiet about alleged sexual encounters they had with the president before he took office, says he’s owed at least the phone booth since he basically got nothing out of Trump’s 2016 election victory. More.
President Donald Trump said he can’t believe how beautiful his wife Melania looked when Barack Obama leaned over and made her smile at the funeral of former First Lady Barbara Bush April 21. “The beautiful First Lady Melania Trump looked radiant at Barbara Bush funeral,” Trump tweeted on Sunday morning, the day after the funeral. “Must give credit to Obama, even though he left me with mess in White House and almost ruined America before I came in and made country great again.” Trump said his wife smiles at him all the time and he called rumors of her being upset for his alleged affairs with prostitutes, porn stars, and playmates overblown. “Melania knows the stories aren’t true . . . . More.
An explosive report from the New York Times to be released today reveals why Nikki Haley, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, remains one of the few Trump appointees to escape the president’s wrath when things go wrong in his administration: he’s bound by a non-disclosure agreement with the popular former governor of South Carolina. “I can neither confirm nor deny that the president has signed a non-disclosure agreement with Ambassador Haley,” says a White House official who spoke on condition of anonymity. “You’ll have to ask the president that, because I am not at liberty to talk about matters relating to non-disclosure agreements between the president and the people who work for him. Perhaps I’d like to talk about it, but perhaps I can’t.” More.
that the First Lady reversed her plans to attend the world economic summit at Davos, Switzerland, after learning Nikki Haley, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, would be there. “Reports that the First Lady was planning to attend Davos and backed out only because Ambassador Haley was attending are not true and should be corrected immediately,” Graham says. “The First Lady has a scheduling conflict that is preventing her from attending Davos, which she was very much looking forward to doing.” Davos is the annual gathering of the world’s business elites and thought leaders to discuss the state of global economics, technology, and culture. Rumors have been multiplying in recent days that Haley and President Trump are carrying on an affair and that the First Lady only learned of it after Michael Wolff, author of the blockbuster book Fire and Fury, hinted about it in his TV interviews. More.
Melania’s Body Double Speaks Out, Says She’s Repeatedly Asked Donald to Provide a Body Double at Night
First Lady Melania Trump’s body double, Nika Horvath, came forward today to confirm her role as a stand-in for the First Lady after her identity was revealed by childhood friends who saw her on TV while Donald Trump spoke about the Iranian nuclear agreement. “It is not my favor to be in public eye in this manner but I cannot hide from the knowledge now and so I speak out,” says Horvath, who, like Melania Trump, was born in Novo Mesto, Slovenia, in 1970. Horvath, a fashion model who has worked mainly in Eastern Europe and parts of Northern Africa, says she and the First Lady became friends in elementary school in part because they looked so much alike. “The people they would comment on our physical characters and they put us together and that was good because we like each other, yes, right from the beginning days,” she said. More.
GREENVILLE, S.C.—Deja Vu was bustling on Monday night but many of the men at the strip club weren’t enjoying the star attraction’s dance routine. The club was featuring Stormy Daniels, the newly famous stripper who allegedly was paid $130,000 before the 2016 presidential election to keep quiet about an affair she had with Donald Trump after his youngest son was born. But instead of being treated to a dance routine involving booty shakes, the men got what looked like a complex interpretive dance routine. “I’m not sure, but I think she was trying to tell a story or something,” said Jake Snyder, a regular at the club. More.
Kellyanne Conway, one of the most visible defenders of Donald Trump’s presidency, says photos of her in a bikini are “alternative facts” that are being spread on the Internet to try to take the focus off the things the Trump administration is doing, like accusing President Barack Obama of wire tapping Trump Towers, using the presidency to spread accusations about Muslim attacks in Sweden, and saying immigration curbs are needed because of a massacre in Bowling Green, Ky. “I have clearly been photoshopped into images of other women to hurt Donald Trump by demeaning me as a person,” said Conway, 50. “It’s a personal attack on my character that’s been put forward without regard to the truth and without regard to the long-term impact this will have on our democracy, our shared trust in our institutions, and our credibility as a nation.” More.
In a sensational claim, the supermarket tabloid Weekly National Report says a 50-year-old woman in Fayetteville, Ark., Dannielle Eggles, is the daughter of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and she’s demanding a “White House bedroom” for her and her husband if he is elected president. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I feel I must come forward because it’s time for my daddy to stop pretending I don’t exist,” Eggles said at a press conference in Fayetteville yesterday. Eggles, a clerk at Target, said she had resigned herself to living in the shadow of her famous father and her glamorous half brothers and sisters, but six months ago she and her husband, Ron Eggles, decided she could no longer do that. “We just thought it wasnt fair that Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, Donald, Jr., and Barron all get to live the high life while we have to scrape our fingers to the bone just because daddy pretends I don’t exist.” More.
NEW YORK CITY—Dan Peeker, publisher of the National Midnight Star, said at a journalism conference here yesterday he won’t let his friendship with Donald Trump bias his coverage of the general election between Trump and Hillary Clinton. “Hillary’s dishonesty makes her a tempting target, but I can assure you all the stories we’ve pre-written about her flaws are objective,” says Peeker, 63. Peeker has been chairman and CEO of U.S. A. Publications, which owns the National Midnight Star, since 1990, and critics say he’s using his publication as a tool to help his golf buddy win the presidency. It was his tabloid that broke the April 3 story of Ted Cruz’s affairs with five prominent Republican political women, which hurt the Texas senator in Wisconsin, and it broke the April 19 piece about . . . More.
The U.S. Department of Justice is set to announce whether it will press charges against presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton for her use of a private email server while she was secretary of state. Whichever way the announcement goes, though, Clinton comes out a loser, and Clinton says she’s okay with that. “If the Department of Justice says it will press charges, I guess I would be in ‘big trouble,'” Clinton says. “Hah hah. It would be unprecedented for a major party candidate to face federal criminal charges while running for president of the United States. But if it exonerates me, the Justice department will be playing into the hands of critics who say the system is rigged in my favor. No matter what happens, I’m screwed. Hah hah.” More.
In a sensational news scoop by Third-World Times, President Donald Trump of the United States secretly recorded his phone conversations with James Comey, his FBI director, before he fired him! According to the Times, President Trump asked Comey to say whether the FBI was investigating him, and Comey, not knowing he was being recorded, said he wasn’t! Now, if the FBI indicts Trump on a charge of colluding with the Russians to win the presidency, President Trump can call Comey a liar and ruin his reputation! Trump has boxed Comey in and painted him into a corner! “He’s a smart cookie, that Trump,” says a Washington insider, according to the Times. Meanwhile, Democratic lawmakers in Washington are upset at Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein for drafting the memo that Trump used as the basis for Comey’s firing. More.