President Trump today said he’d like to see more immigration from Norway and other advanced countries but for some reason people who live in places with well-run and adequately funded governments don’t want to come to the U.S.
“I’m not sure why a person who does satisfying work in a country that provides well-run public services doesn’t want to come here,” Trump said at a press briefing. “Apparently our obsolete airports, money-starved transit systems, and hellish public services don’t appeal to people whose countries invest in their citizens.”
Trump said the United States is full of wealthy people who have gamed the system for themselves and travel all over the world, often maintaining second and third homes in pleasant countries. “You would think this kind of American lifestyle would appeal to people who received a good public education in places like Norway,” he said. “I guess they like walking down streets that are kept clean by public agencies that receive the amounts of money they need to operate effectively.”
Trump said he takes offense at people who call the United States a shithole country because lawmakers don’t want to invest in the services that at one time made the country stable by creating a large middle-class population.
“I think people should apologize for calling the United States a shithole country,” he said. “Just because you live in a country that takes care of its people doesn’t mean you can call us a shithole country. We could take care of our people, too, if we wanted to.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) says he’s bummed Congress just added $1.5 trillion to the deficit for tax cuts because that’s the exact same amount President Trump says he wants to use to rebuild the country’s crumbling infrastructure. “Just really bad timing,” Ryan told reporters after President Trump concluded his State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress. “We know how badly we need to repair our roads, bridges, dams, train tracks, airports, canals, ports, and other big public works projects but unfortunately we just burned through the exact same $1.5 trillion Trump says we need to pay for our tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans.” More.
President Trump says his military parade, in which soldiers, tanks, missiles, and other vehicles will come down Pennsylvania Ave. in formation to showcase U.S. military might, will attract bigger audiences than President Obama’s military parade and will even be bigger than the parades of the last 10 presidents combined. “The tanks, the trucks—they’ll be like nothing we ever saw with Obama or even with the others,” Trump said this morning. “Very few people showed up for Obama’s parade. And I heard that some of the tanks broke down, Jeeps had flat tires, some soldiers didn’t march in a straight line.” More.
House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) called it “very unfortunate and unhelpful” that President Trump is destroying the United States, and said it would be better if the President didn’t destroy the institutions he has sworn to oversee or make the United States loathsome in the eyes of people around the world. He also said it would be better if the President didn’t pit Americans against Americans. “Would it be better if the President tried to strengthen our institutions? Yes, it would,” Ryan said. “Would it be better if he tried to make people look up to the United States rather than down on it? Yes. And would it be a plus if he brought Americans together rather them drive them apart? Yes, I’m sure it would be.” Ryan said he can’t speak for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), but he believes the Majority Leader also thinks it’s very unfortunate and unhelpful when the President makes the United States an object of hatred and derision around the world. More.
President Donald Trump spoke at the Camp David presidential retreat in Maryland today to show that there are still men who are willing to stand with him at a podium, and there are probably some women willing to do it, too. “As you can see by the people who are standing behind me at this moment, there are, and I expect will remain, men and probably women who are willing to associate their physical body with mine in a way that we expect from our elected leaders,” Trump said. More.
President Donald Trump said his brain has performed as well as he had expected and often better over the first four weeks of his presidency. “It’s given me great advice on so many things, important national security maters,” said Trump, who spoke to Fox News in an interview Wednesday night. Trump said his brain gave him “particularly good advice” when he learned Michael Flynn, his national security advisor until he resigned earlier this week, had been talking to Russian officials while Barack Obama was still president about lifting sanctions. “My first instinct was to fire him, but my brain told me to wait until the press found out,” said Trump. More.
President-elect Donald Trump said he was appointing his “very good brain” to be one of his top advisors on both domestic and foreign policy. “I’ve always relied on my very good brain to decide what to do,” Trump said today at a press availability in his offices at Trump Tower in New York City. “When people would question whether I was doing the right thing or the wrong thing, I would consult my brain and do what makes most sense to it.” Trump said the policy insight of his brain is “the best ever” and there was never any doubt that he would tap his brain right from the start. “My brain has been with me from day one and it’s going to be with me from the day I take the oath of office,” he said. “It’s going to be terrific. There’s never been another advisor as good as this one. You’ll be very impressed.” More.
The mouth of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump was caught talking without the candidate’s brain at a rally in Altoona, Pa., today, marking the seventh time in the last day and a half that unsupervised words from the candidate’s mouth were allowed into the world. “The only way we could lose, in my opinion—I really mean this, Pennsylvania—is if cheating goes on,” Trump said at the rally. Trump, who is down in the polls in this and other battleground states, has started letting his mouth talk without restraint about cheating and rigged elections as a way to delegitimize the election outcome should he lose, setting the stage for widespread instability in the world’s oldest democracy. More.
Mayo Clinic neurosurgeon Ronald Madison has studied the brain of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump and says it really is a “big, beautiful” specimen of human’s most important organ. “When Donald Trump compliments his own brain, he does so on good grounds,” says Madison, who studied Trump’s brain in 2013, when the real estate mogul went to the Mayo Clinic for tests. Madison says Trump was complaining of “low energy” and wanted to rule out anything neurological, so he arranged to have a battery of tests done. “What I found was, of all the brains I’ve seen, Trump’s was certainly one of the biggest and most beautiful ever,” he says. “It’s a very good brain.” More.
Pointing to the “unbelievable job” he’s doing as president, Donald Trump today said he’s way ahead of his schedule for fixing everything that’s wrong with America. “When I was nominated by so many Americans last year, I said that I alone can fix our great country’s problems,” he said in a briefing with reporters. “I’m glad to say your president has delivered on his promises and you’ll be so surprised and so pleased at how much I’ll deliver on my promises in the weeks and months ahead.” Trump cited the success of free speech that was expressed in Charlottesville, Va., yesterday, in which a coalition of white nationalist groups clashed with anti-fascist demonstrators. “The free speech was so good,” he said of the rally, at which one protestor was killed when an alleged neo-Nazi supporter rammed his car into a crowd of people. Two officers were also killed when their police helicopter crashed. Virginia Governor Terrence McAuliffe declared a state of emergency. More.
President Donald Trump made a more serious and important decision this morning than anything former President Barack Obama ever made in his eight years in office, White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said today. Sanders was responding to a question from a reporter about an important piece of paper that Trump was photographed looking at this morning. Sanders said she wasn’t familiar with the paper, but based on past papers the President has looked at, it was likely something of grave national concern about which the President made a better decision than Obama ever would have. “I can tell you that, whatever decision President Trump made was better for America, created more jobs and saved more lives, than decisions his predecessor made,” she said. Tomorrow the President will be making better decisions than Obama based on a briefing book of “probably 100 pages” that he is scheduled to be photographed looking at, Huckabee said. “The jobs will be better, the outcome for America’s forgotten middle class will be superior to the disaster that was the Obama presidency,” she said. More.
President Donald Trump says his first three days in office have been the “most presidential of any president at any time in the history of the United States” and the incredible presidential quality of his presidency will only get “more presidential” from here. Trump says his first action on his first day was to suspend, “very presidentially,” a rule that President Obama implemented right before he left office to lower the insurance premium for federally backed FHA home loans. The lower premiums were expected to make homeownership more affordable for millions of middle class households, which Trump called a very “unpresidential move” because it wasn’t done with the kind of presidential quality he would have done it with. More.
President-elect Donald Trump said one of the great foreign policy successes in United States history—its purchase of about a third of its landmass in what is known as the Louisiana Purchase—was an “amateur” real estate deal made by “hacks.” Speaking at the last of his “victory rallies,” in Mobile, Ala., Trump said he could have acquired the more than 800,000 square miles of territory from France for 45 million francs, rather than the 68 million francs President Thomas Jefferson paid in 1803. The price tag of 68 million francs translates into about $15 million, or about $250 million in today’s dollars, a price historians say is remarkable for a piece of land that extends from the southern tip of Louisiana to the northern border of Montana and gives the United States its breadbasket—the area of the country that is among the most fertile in the world. More.