Britain Threatens Ban As Americans Clamor to Become British Subjects

Kelly Bone Flickr 14642500@N00/5662136494

‘Let us in, for God’s sake!’

Tens of thousands of Americans have tried to become British subjects in the last year, prompting British lawmakers to propose steps to curb the influx.

“I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry that the States still have so many loyalists,” says Nigel Blair, a Labour member of parliament from Devonshire. “Well, it’s just too late at this point, as far as I’m concerned. We certainly don’t need a bunch of yankees coming here to take away jobs from hard-working Brits. it’s a bit cheeky of them, really.”

https://www.amazon.com/Lady-Queen-Swimsuit-One-piece-Swimwear/dp/B011RXTCWU/ref=as_li_ss_il?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=A4QV1JRSQGP2G74T3DGX&linkCode=li2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=e85159a92538ddb51a43b5ec411a9277

Advertisement

Liam Chambers, home minister in the government of Theresa May, says the American onslaught caught officials by surprise. “After more than 200 years, the situation with the States was stable—or so we thought,” he says. “We’re not prepared for this and it’s not realistic to say this was something we should have included in our planning scenarios. Who could have imagined it?”

Chambers says the year started out ordinarily enough. “The Americans had their election, as they’ve done so many times before,” he says. “It seemed to go smoothly, and within our offices we dismissed chatter we were hearing about widespread concerns over the survival of democracy there. It seemed a bit dramatic, from our perspective. We didn’t give it credit. That was obviously a mistake. But who could see that then?”

Under British policy, no more than 2,000 Americans can become British subjects annually, and until this year, exceeding that limit has never been a problem. “A lot of Americans come here each year,” says Andrew Majors, chief minister of the country’s immigration department. “Many own property and return regularly, but we’ve never had much demand from Americans to become subjects of the crown.”

Majors says his country ordinarily welcomes Americans. They tend to have money and often they start businesses that create jobs. But it’s not just the well-to-do that want to become subjects now, and that’s causing concerns. “Americans can’t come here expecting to escape their problems,” he says. “I don’t think its too much to ask for the country to manage its own problems and not look to Britain to carry it through like it’s still a colony. The fact is, our resource limitations trumps their desire to come back home. We just can’t accommodate them anymore. You’ve made your bed and now you must lie in it.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: kb and pd. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

More stories:

British Americans, Citing ‘Heritage,’ Rally to Erect King George Statute

YORKTOWN, Va.—Hundreds of Americans of British descent rallied at the popular Riverwalk Landing here yesterday, chanting “Long live King George! Long Live the British Empire!” and demanding the erection of a statute of King George to commemorate the British heritage of the United States. “Our past must not be denied!” yelled marchers, many of whom were dressed in red-coated British military grab from the Revolutionary War period and brandishing historic firearms. “Down with George Washington! Up with George William Frederick, King of Great Britain and Elector of Hanover!” The marchers were met wth pro-independence counter-demonstrators, who taunted the marchers and, in some case, threw punches. “We won our independence!” some yelled. “Get over it!” President Donald Trump, returning to the White House after a 17-day working vacation at his golf property in Bedminster, N.J., blamed agitators on “many sides” for the confrontation. More.

White Power Can’t Be Stopped Unless It’s Raining and There are Counter-Protesters, Jason Kessler Says

The Unite the Right rally in front of the White House on Aug. 12, the one-year anniversary of the Charlottesville rally that resulted in the death of a counter-protester, shows how far the white nationalist movement has pushed into the mainstream, says the event’s organizer, Jason Kessler. “What we were able to show today, until the rain kicked in, is that the time has come for white Americans to act boldly and reassert their place at the top of western society,” Kessler said while he and the 23 other rally-goers rode in a police van back to the subway after concluding their rally. Kessler said white people have always been the dominate race because of their natural superiority and that dynamic would have been evident at the rally today except that too many counter-protesters were there. More.

U.K. to U.S.: ‘Looking Forward to Returning the Insult After Your Next Terrorist Attack’

The United Kingdom on Twitter today escalated a growing feud with the United States by promising to be just as insensitive and insulting when the U.S. is next hit by a terrorist attack as President Donald Trump was with the U.K. after its latest confrontation with extremist terror in London last week. “Unfortunately, it’s only a matter of time before you’re hit by a terror attack again,” the U.K. tweeted this morning. “We’ll feel bad for you, of course, but, sadly, we’ll have to be insensitive and insulting about your response. Sad!” The U.K. noted that no one is better at hurling insults than the British, so any country getting into a war of zingers with it will probably regret it. “Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure,” the U.K. tweeted about the U.S. losing an upcoming zinger fight with it. “It’s not your fault.” More.

Theresa May: I Held the President’s Hand So I Would Know Where It Was

hhBritish Prime Minister Theresa May says she held the hand of President Donald Trump as they walked to the White House press room for their news conference earlier this week so she would know where his hand was at all times. “Frankly, I thought it was more important to keep tabs on his hand than worry about any ridicule I might incur from the international community,” May said today. May said she normally doesn’t worry about where the hands of world leaders are, but she didn’t want to take a chance on joining the more than two dozen women who have accused Trump of groping them. “If it were just one woman who was accusing him, then I wouldn’t be too concerned,” she said. “But there have been some two dozen, which is not a small number.” More.

Parliament Votes to Allow Trump’s Combover Into Britain, But Not Trump

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Chamber_of_the_House_of_Commons_of_the_United_Kingdom#/media/File:Dominic_Grieve_in_Parliament.jpg

LONDON—After a raucous parliamentary debate, members of the House of Commons voted to allow the combover of Donald Trump into Great Britain, should he be elected president of the United States, but Trump himself was not welcome. “We do not want to hold Donald Trump’s bigotry and nativism against his hair,” said Gavin Blair, an MP from the southwest district of London. Nigel Robinson, an MP from Birmingham, argued that the hair should be banned as well, but his argument left many unconvinced. “I made my case and I lost, and I accept that,” he said. “But I do believe his hair should not be allowed to get off scot free in this debate. My apologies to the Scots, who I hope won’t try to secede again.” More.

Only Two Allies Have Sought to Ban Trump From Their Countries

mn

The Mexican legislature received a petition yesterday from Mexico City to block Donald Trump, the leader for the Republican presidential nomination, from entering their country in retaliation for his proposal to build a border wall that Mexico must pay for. José de Jesús Zambrano, the speaker of the Chamber of Deputies, Mexico’s equivalent to the U.S. House of Representatives, said in a statement he would consider taking up the proposal. “The United States is an important country, our largest trading partner, so taking up such a petition has far-raching implications for the Mexican people,” he said. “I will consider it carefully.” More.

James Bond Retires Suit For Business Casual

bond

Elegant British super spy and womanizer James Bond is ditching his iconic Saville Row suits and other formal wear to sport a more casual look, an MI6 spokesperson says. “Agent 007 isn’t immune to the times,” the spokesperson says. “He understands business is conducted in an increasingly casual atmosphere and that spy craft is similarly changing. I’m not saying Bond will be stepping out of his Aston Martin in anything less than a nice shirt and maybe some khakis, but when he’s just puttering around London, Paris, or New York, you might just see him in a T-shirt and jeans. I’m not saying it will happen, but you might see that. He’s a secret agent, after all.” More.

Robert Plant Regrets Not Going into Accounting Like His Dad Wanted

commons.wikimedia.org Robert Plant, the golden haired and golden voiced singer for the legendary hard rock band Led Zeppelin, says in an interview on National Public Radio’s “Morning Edition” that he should have listened to his dad and become an accountant rather than leave home when he was 16 to live the rock-and-roll lifestyle. “If I were to live my life again, would I have that nasty break with my family and sing for various bands before finally joining Pagey and the others to form Led Zeppelin? I think on balance what I did was a mistake and, in retrospect, I should have listened to my dad.” More.

 

Advertisements