Ryan Insists He’s Not Prepping for 2020 Presidential Run. Honestly

Really happy right now

House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) says the trial balloons he’s been floating about retiring after tax reform passes have nothing to do with his plans to run against Donald Trump for the 2020 Republican presidential nomination. “I am not planning and will not plan to offer Republican voters an alternative to the crazy man in the White House today,” Ryan said.

I do not want to be your president

Ryan said there’s no truth to the rumor that he would seek to give an alternative to Republican voters who don’t want to see Trump reelected but also don’t want to see a Democrat take the White House. “I know there’s speculation that I would put myself out there as a safe vote for Republicans who don’t want another Roy Moore-type debacle in 2020, but that is not the case,” he said.

Nor is it true that wealthy conservative donors like the Mercers and the Koch brothers want him to run so they can get a normal Republican in the White House and install Trump back in his New York penthouse. “Although I am giving wealthy Republican donors the tax cut they want, they are not asking me to be their horse in the next race,” he said. “It’s not true that they know Donald Trump is going to lose. It’s also not true that they think I am one of the few Republicans who will have a chance against the Democrats in 2020, given how fired up the Democratic base is.”

What’s more, it’s not true he believes he would be leaving the House on a high note and distancing himself from the storm that’s brewing in 2018. “The fact is, I couldn’t be happier and I expect I’ll. be just as happy two years from now, four years from now, six years from now,” he said—“especially if I’m no where near this shit show that’s called Congress today, although I didn’t say that.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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