Child Molesters Looking Forward to ‘New Day’ in Washington

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New day dawning

Child molesters throughout the United States say they are waiting with bated breath at the outcome the Alabama Senate election next week, which pits an alleged child molester against a Democratic federal prosecutor.

“It’s . . . it’s just the happiest day of my life—or will be,” said a child molester in Tucson, Ariz., who asked that his name not be used to protect his privacy. The child molester says he’s waiting for the day that he can “say my name loud and proud,” and he thinks that day will be much closer should the election win go to Roy Moore, the Republican candidate for Senate who is alleged to have molested half a dozen girls when they were teenagers and he was in is 30s. “I’d like to be able to tell the world, ‘I’m John Doe and I’m a proud child molester.’ I don’t think that day will come even if Moore wins the race, but he will definitely bring it closer—especially since Donald Trump’s already in office.”

The child molester called Trump “one of us,” because not only did he walk into the dressing rooms of teenage contestants during the Miss USA beauty pageant he owned, but he also spoke about wanting to date girls when they got a little older. “He is totally on our wavelength,” the child molester says. “He gets us. He is one of us.”

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Out of shadows

Another child molester, in Kansas City, Kans., said he remains “almost speechless” that conservative Republicans are coming to the defense of Moore and Trump and even using biblical references in their support of them. “The reference to the virgin birth of Jesus by Mary was simply brilliant,” the child molester said, referring to the comment by the Alabama state auditor who cited the virgin birth, and Joseph’s advanced age, in support of Moore. “I mean, if you’ve got the bible backing you, nothing can bring you down. We’re talking God Himself giving you the okay. That’s about as high as you can get, you know?”

Still, there’s a note of caution in the voices of child molesters. “Jim Smith,” a child molester in Cleveland who longs to spend his days at city playgrounds and malls like he used to but can’t because of a court order, says he wants to be hopeful but he dare not get ahead of reality. “I know we’re close and I guess I don’t want to jinx it,” he said. “I want to get excited but I also know people who don’t support child molestation might prevail and actually vote for the Democrat even though he wants to fund welfare like child health insurance. I hope it doesn’t come to that but I’m realistic enough to know that it might.”

Whatever the outcome, child molesters say the world will never be the same and that the day is nearing that they can come out of the shadows. “To be able to hang out with the little girls and not be branded as a criminal,” said one child molester. “That’s just too great of a dream to wish for, but, win or lose, that day is drawing nearer when we have Republicans and Christians saying they want Roy Moore in the U.S. Senate. I mean, is this heaven, or what? It is for me, I can tell you that.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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