HUNTSVILLE, Ala.—In what is shaping up to be the dream ticket for pedophiles, fundamentalist Christians, and white supremacists, former Alabama judge Roy Moore and neo Nazi leader Richard Spencer have announced plans to challenge Donald Trump for the Republican presidential nomination in 2020.
“The United States is and has always been a white, Christian, patriarchal nation,” Roy Moore said at a rally here in announcing the ticket he has formed with Richard Spencer and with former White House strategist Stephen Bannon as campaign manager. “With God’s help, we will go on being that country.”
Under the platform the two men agreed to, Moore will run as president and Spencer, who made his name by putting a fresh face on anti-Semitism and racism, will run as vice president.
“We have allowed blacks, Jews, other minorities, and women to get too much power in our country,” Moore said. “It’s time to put a halt to this liberal overreach and make America great again.”
Spencer, who made remarks after Moore, said Donald Trump has been a “landmark” president by opening the door to pedophiles, racists, and fundamentalist Christians everywhere, but he has not gone far enough. “Let me give credit where credit is due,” said Spencer, who has been banned in 26 countries. “Donald Trump has paved the way. But now it is up to us to take our movement across the finish line.”
Under their platform, called “Our Struggle,” they would seek a constitutional amendment to limit presidential candidates to white Christian males who are “unequivocally” born in the United States. They would also seek to limit Senate candidates to white Christians while House candidates would be open to anyone, although Jews would be limited to no more than 4 percent of all seats and Muslims would be excluded entirely. Federal judiciary appointments would require Senate approval unless they come with the backing of the Federalist Society.
Sources say the inclusion of Jews in the House was a sticking point between Moore and Spencer, with Spencer reportedly saying Jews “are little better than Muslims unless they’re ophthalmologists,” but Moore argued that there are a lot of “cute Jewish girls” that he would hate to see excluded on bring- your-child-to-work day.
Another sticking point concerned guns. Moore wanted to name Colt revolvers the federal government’s preferred gun for militia patriots while Spencer wanted it to be the Luger, but they compromised by saying a National Rifle Association commission would come up with the gun.
The toughest sticking point was whether to allow blacks to work in the Senate dining room, a tradition that goes back to the founding of the federal government. Moore said he has fond memories of being served farina by blacks and doesn’t want to lose that “most American of experiences,” but Spencer wanted to forbid blacks from waiting on him or even being in the kitchen when he serves as president of the Senate, even though the Senate’s famed navy bean soup was originally a black dish.
The dispute was resolved when they agreed blacks could make and serve the navy bean soup as well as other dishes but only for diners seated in the back of the dining room.
President Donald Trump, who has said he plans to seek reelection in 2020, said he welcomes this challenge from the right. “I take it as a compliment that two great Americans like Roy Moore and Richard Spencer like my “Make America Great Again” slogan so much they are using it themselves,” he said on Twitter. “While the Dems are talking Russia, we’ll be building walls, banning terrorists, and celebrating Christmas with all the boys and girls in the malls!”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
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