HUNTSVILLE, Ala.—In what is shaping up to be the dream ticket for pedophiles, fundamentalist Christians, and white supremacists, former Alabama judge Roy Moore and neo Nazi leader Richard Spencer have announced plans to challenge Donald Trump for the Republican presidential nomination in 2020.
“The United States is and has always been a white, Christian, patriarchal nation,” Roy Moore said at a rally here in announcing the ticket he has formed with Richard Spencer and with former White House strategist Stephen Bannon as campaign manager. “With God’s help, we will go on being that country.”
Under the platform the two men agreed to, Moore will run as president and Spencer, who made his name by putting a fresh face on anti-Semitism and racism, will run as vice president.
“We have allowed blacks, Jews, other minorities, and women to get too much power in our country,” Moore said. “It’s time to put a halt to this liberal overreach and make America great again.”
Spencer, who made remarks after Moore, said Donald Trump has been a “landmark” president by opening the door to pedophiles, racists, and fundamentalist Christians everywhere, but he has not gone far enough. “Let me give credit where credit is due,” said Spencer, who has been banned in 26 countries. “Donald Trump has paved the way. But now it is up to us to take our movement across the finish line.”
Under their platform, called “Our Struggle,” they would seek a constitutional amendment to limit presidential candidates to white Christian males who are “unequivocally” born in the United States. They would also seek to limit Senate candidates to white Christians while House candidates would be open to anyone, although Jews would be limited to no more than 4 percent of all seats and Muslims would be excluded entirely. Federal judiciary appointments would require Senate approval unless they come with the backing of the Federalist Society.
Sources say the inclusion of Jews in the House was a sticking point between Moore and Spencer, with Spencer reportedly saying Jews “are little better than Muslims unless they’re ophthalmologists,” but Moore argued that there are a lot of “cute Jewish girls” that he would hate to see excluded on bring- your-child-to-work day.
Another sticking point concerned guns. Moore wanted to name Colt revolvers the federal government’s preferred gun for militia patriots while Spencer wanted it to be the Luger, but they compromised by saying a National Rifle Association commission would come up with the gun.
The toughest sticking point was whether to allow blacks to work in the Senate dining room, a tradition that goes back to the founding of the federal government. Moore said he has fond memories of being served farina by blacks and doesn’t want to lose that “most American of experiences,” but Spencer wanted to forbid blacks from waiting on him or even being in the kitchen when he serves as president of the Senate, even though the Senate’s famed navy bean soup was originally a black dish.
The dispute was resolved when they agreed blacks could make and serve the navy bean soup as well as other dishes but only for diners seated in the back of the dining room.
President Donald Trump, who has said he plans to seek reelection in 2020, said he welcomes this challenge from the right. “I take it as a compliment that two great Americans like Roy Moore and Richard Spencer like my “Make America Great Again” slogan so much they are using it themselves,” he said on Twitter. “While the Dems are talking Russia, we’ll be building walls, banning terrorists, and celebrating Christmas with all the boys and girls in the malls!”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Child molesters throughout the United States say they are waiting with bated breath at the outcome the Alabama Senate election next week, which pits an alleged child molester against a Democratic federal prosecutor. “It’s . . . it’s just the happiest day of my life—or will be,” said a child molester in Tucson, Ariz., who asked that his name not be used to protect his privacy. The child molester says he’s waiting for the day that he can “say my name loud and proud,” and he thinks that day will be much closer should the election win go to Roy Moore, the Republican candidate for Senate who is alleged to have molested half a dozen girls when they were teenagers and he was in is 30s. “I’d like to be able to tell the world, ‘I’m John Doe and I’m a proud child molester.’ More.
Pedophiles across the United States are coming out of the shadows and testing the waters for making deeper inroads into mainstream American society now that Republicans are defending accused child molester and Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore. “I knew when Donald Trump won the Republican nomination in 2016 we would start to see great things happening in our country for sexual predators because he was sending signals that he had our backs,” says Tom Clark, a pedophile in Houston. “What I didn’t expect was this path to mainstream acceptability to open before his first year in office was out. I’m so stunned I have to make sure I’m really alive and not caught in a very, very good dream.” Clark and other pedophiles in the United States say they never thought they would live to see the day when their sexual perversion would become something other than the most heinous sexual act a person could commit. More.
Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore called accounts of him dating teenage girls whose parents gave him permission to date them when he was in his thirties fake news. “Let me be clear,” said Moore. “It’s not true that I dated the teenage girls whose parents gave me permission to date them.” Moore also said there’s nothing wrong with him as a man in his thirties walking around shopping malls by himself as the press accused him of doing. “The press is wrong to say I innocently and lawfully walked around malls by myself as a man in my thirties,” he said. Moore, 70, is an evangelical Christian who has been an uncompromising critic of homosexuality. He was the chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court before he was removed from office in 2003 for defying a court order to take down a statute of the Ten Commandments he had erected on the courthouse grounds. More.
Republican Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore says allegations that he had inappropriate relations with teenage girls when he was a 30-year old man are false and that his relationship with them was limited to dressing up as a cowboy and playing make believe. “While it is utterly false that I kissed and inappropriately touched teenage girls when I was in my thirties, I will admit to dressing up as a cowboy and playing make-believe with them,” said Moore, 70, a former chief justice of the state supreme court. It’s not uncommon for Moore to make appearances dressed as a cowboy. In one speech he made during his primary battle with Lester Strange, the incumbent senator he went on to defeat, Moore gave his remarks wearing a cowboy hat, boots, a vest, and carrying a pistol. More.
President Donald Trump, speaking in China while on his Asia tour, said he should step down if allegations that he groped women without their consent years ago are true. “Like most Americans, I believe we cannot allow a mere allegation, in this case one from many years ago, destroy a person’s life,” the president said in Beijing. “However, I also believe that if these allegations are true, I should do the right thing and step aside.” The allegations concern incidences dating back to the 1990s and earlier. Almost 20 women have come forward to allege Trump touched them inappropriately, in some cases grabbing their genitalia without their consent. More.
General practitioners and internal medicine specialists across the country say they’re seeing a sharp rise in men shittin’ bricks and they’re at a loss to explain why. According to an alert released by the National Institutes of Health, the number of men shittin’ bricks has risen from less than one in every 100 office visits to almost five in every 100 visits in just the last two months, a baffling jump in a condition for which there is no effective treatment. “Is there something in the environment that’s causing a spike in men shittin’ bricks? We just don’t know,” says Peter Nelson, director of internal medicine research at the National Institutes of Health and the lead author of an NIH alert on the alarming trend. More.
Citing a “woeful and widespread” lack of training on how to talk to women, researchers participating in a joint Harvard-MIT project say 90 percent of American men would never get laid if they didn’t use harassment as a coercive tactic. “What we’re seeing is an education gap that is having tragic and traumatic consequences for women throughout the United States,” says Jane Halverson, lead researcher on the project. “Most men simply have no understanding of what it takes to initiate an intimate relationship with a woman without resorting to brutish behavior.” The research report, called “Lateral Inequality in Male-Female Intimacy Relations in the United States,” finds pervasive use of coercion and “asymmetric procreative tactics” by men in their interactions with women. “We’ve long suspected men rely on their dominance in size and power, including economic power, to get from women what under ordinary circumstances would be freely given,” says Joseph LaBoudin, professor of sociology at Columbia, who did not participate in the research. More.
Stung by derisive comments that followed their use of tiki torches at their Charlottesville rally this summer, supremacist groups around the country say they’re now using the new SmartTorch app for their events. “Our goal has always been to stoke fear in the hearts of liberals and progressives and other snowflakes that the white supremacist movement is for real and it’s large,” says Richard Spencer, leader of a white supremacist think tank based in Alexandria, Va. “Obviously we can’t do that if people are laughing at or mocking our torches. That’s why we’ve found the new Smart Torch app indispensible for our rallies.” More.
YORKTOWN, Va.—Hundreds of Americans of British descent rallied at the popular Riverwalk Landing here yesterday, chanting “Long live King George! Long Live the British Empire!” and demanding the erection of a statute of King George to commemorate the British heritage of the United States. “Our past must not be denied!” yelled marchers, many of whom were dressed in red-coated British military grab from the Revolutionary War period and brandishing historic firearms. “Down with George Washington! Up with George William Frederick, King of Great Britain and Elector of Hanover!” The marchers were met wth pro-independence counter-demonstrators, who taunted the marchers and, in some case, threw punches. “We won our independence!” some yelled. “Get over it!” President Donald Trump, returning to the White House after a 17-day working vacation at his golf property in Bedminster, N.J., blamed agitators on “many sides” for the confrontation. More.
3 Weeks Into Trump Presidency, White Supremacists Dismayed That Jews, Blacks Still Allowed to be American
Leaders of the National Aryan Front, American Freedom Party, Ku Klux Klan, and other white supremacist oganzations in the United States issued a joint letter to President Donald Trump today expressing concern over the slow pace of the “solution” they expect him to enact for people of inferior races and ethnicities. “While we appreciate the many priorities any new administration must contend with, the lack of meaningful progress on the white nationalist agenda is troubling,” the leaders say in the letter, which was hand-delivered to the White House this morning. The letter reminds Trump that his election depended in large part on the unwavering support from the white supremacist community, particularly when he was being criticized in the media during the primaries. “When other groups were challenging you for your accurate and appropriate concerns over the biased rulings of so-called Judge Gonzalo Curiel against Trump University, we were your most vocal and consistent supporters,” the letter says. More.
Trump: ‘I’m Going to Preside Over the Greatest Collapse of American Civil Society We’ve Ever Seen, Believe Me’
President Donald Trump said today Americans will be more divided, more hostile to one another than the country has ever seen before, even more than during the Civil War, when the North and the South were pitted against one another. “We’re going to have the biggest, the greatest, the most tremendous breakdown in our shared civil culture than we’ve ever had before, I can guarantee you that,” Trunp said in remarks at the White House. “We’re seeing Americans fight each other on airplanes, insult each other in supermarket lines, and refuse to do business with one another. It will be the most fantastic breakdown in our country and it’s going to be so big.” Trump said America has long had a history of putting differences aside to work for the common good, but that path has put the country in its current state of mediocrity. More.
The Ku Klux Klan, based in Pulaski, Tenn., has retained the international public relations firm Clayton+Daye to educate Americans about the good the organization does and the fun its members have. “There’s a perception among Americans that the KKK is all about lynchings and scrawling swastikas on cars,” says John Arnold, a past grand master of the 150-year-old organization. “Those things are a big part of it, yes. But the group is so much more than that. We have picnics, help people paint houses and fences—in short, we help build community. Of course, it’s community for white people, but it’s community nonetheless.” In the ad campaign, which will air on TV and radio and have an online component beginning this spring, Klan members and their families will be shown as ordinary Americans who care about each other and the places they live. More.
I know Donald Trump isn’t as rich as he says he is. He’d show his taxes to us if he were. And I know he’s conned a lot of people out of their money at Trump University and Trump Mortgage. And I know he caused no small amount of grief to rich folk who invested money in his airline, casino, and the XFL. And I know he was for socialized medicine before he was against it, and I doubt he’s cracked open the Bible more than once in 40 years. And I know he used to call up reporters and pretend he was someone else to boast about how much women wanted him. I know all that, but there’s just something you don’t understand. You see, after years—decades, really—of repressing my feelings, he’s allowed me to express my inner racism and bigotry, and I can’t tell you what a relief it is. More.