Time Scrambles to Find New Person of the Year After Trump Spills the Beans

No go

It’s Plan B time at Time magazine. The editors of the once-important news publication are going back to their discard pile to select their Person of the Year for 2017 now that their first choice, Donald Trump, has spoiled the surprise.

“I can’t confirm or deny that we were planning to name Donald Trump Person of the Year but I can say that we never tip our hand about who it’s going to be,” says Nancy Gibbs, editor of the storied magazine that’s now searching for relevance in today’s news-saturated world.

Magazine sources say Trump was indeed going to be named Person of the year for the second time in a row, an unusual but not unprecedented editorial decision for the magazine, but no longer. “Our end-of-the year issue, in which we name the year’s most significant person, is one of the few remaining chances we have to be relevant, so of course we would never dilute this moment by naming Trump now that he’s blurted out our plan,” said one editorial source, who asked not to be named so he could speak frankly.

Trump spoiled the surprise by tweeting that Time had contacted him about “PROBABLY” being named Person of the Year but he declined because he had to agree to an interview and photo shoot.

Another source who requested anonymity said the magazine has pulled three back-up names from its discard pile: Harvey Weinstein, “Women,” and Hillary Clinton.

“Weinstein’s an obvious choice because he broke the dam on how we look at sexual harassment,” says the editor. “Bill Cosby did’t do it. Donald Trump didn’t do it. But Harvey Weinstein did it. We’ll never go back to a place where prominent men can get away with harassing women for sex.”

The editor said the choice of “Women” is more than just a corrollary to Weinstein. What’s significant is their rising influence, politically and culturally. “Their role in dictating what we focus on as a country has reached a watershed mark,” the person said. “What they think as a group is now more influential than what men think and they will only get stronger as men continue to weaken.”

Hillary Clinton is a key part of the rise in women’s empowerment, the editor said, so she’s an obvious choice. “She shattered the glass ceiling but was denied the presidency because of an archaic vestige of the past, the electoral college,” the person said. “Choosing her is also a great way to give Trump a poke. He’ll hate it, so we love it.

“Of course we’re going with her,” the editor said.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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