Trump Creates Department of Prayers to Respond to Gun Violence

Decisive action

President Donald Trump took a step to help address the nation’s outbreak of mass shootings by using his executive power to create a United States Department of Prayers.

“With this order we’re showing Americans that we’re doing everything we can as a government to address gun violence in our country, which is so terrible,” Trump said at a signing ceremony in Japan, where he is visiting as part of a 12-day Asia tour.

Under the order, the department will deploy a religious leader based in the area of the incident to offer official prayers on behalf of the federal government.

“The president will continue to offer prayers after gun voiceless as well, but by having a local religious leader on the ground, the prayers are expected to be more meaningful to people,” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders, White House spokesperson. “And possibly more effective as well.”

Huckabee Sanders says the religious leader will also offer thoughts. “We believe that offering thoughts will be more significant for any atheists in the area,” she said.

A Localized Prayer Response Team, or LPRT, will oversee any activities stemming from the prayers being answered. “What we’re trying to do here is, if in fact God or whatever religious deity you subscribe to answers the prayers, whether they’re the president’s prayers, the local religious leader’s prayers, or even the prayers of ordinary citizens, we’ll have people on the ground to manage that.”

Answered prayers could take any number of forms, Huckabee Sanders said. “It could be miraculous healing. It could be sudden conversion or expression of remorse by the killer. We just don’t know, but we’ll certainly be prepared for anything,” she said.

Mike Huckabee

Huckabee Sanders said the LPRT will also manage any developments that arise from people’s thoughts. “We’re equally prepared to manage the situation on the ground if it’s thoughts that generate an action of some sort,” she said. “I’d like to be clear about that.”

Former Arkansas governor and Republican presidential contender Mike Huckabee, a Baptist minister and Huckabee Sanders’ father, will oversee the department as the first Director of the Federal Department of Prayers.

“With this action, we’re showing that we as a nation are not powerless to respond to the rise of gun violence,” Huckabee said. “We are mobilizing all our thoughts and prayers as a nation in response to tomorrow’s senseless shooting as well as the senseless shooting next week. We are doing something. We are taking action.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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