The president of the United States, Donald Trump, said on Twitter today “DO SOMETHING!”
The president, citing “GUILT by Democrats/Clinton,” pointed to the “Uranium to Russia deal, the 33,000 plus deleted Emails, the Comey fix and so much more.”
In other news, Trump’s one-time campaign manager, Paul Manafort, was indicted by a federal grand jury this morning and faces possible criminal charges for money laundering in connection to the investigation by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, who is looking into collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia.
Manafort business associate Rick Gates was also indicted in connection with the matter.
White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee-Sanders says Trump stands by his call for someone somewhere to do something. “The president is clear that he wants something to be done and he wants it done now,” Huckabee-Sanders said.
In other news, former Trump campaign advisor and long-time confidant, Roger Stone, was permanently banned from Twitter after accusing CNN reporter Ana Navarro of “f**king Al Cardenas,” calling a Twitter critic a “stupid ignorant ugly bitch,” asking her to “eat sh*t,” and calling for the imprisonment of former president Barack Obama for illegally conducting surveillance on Donald Trump. He also admitted he had a backchannel to Julian Assange of WikiLeaks, which released private emails from the Democratic National Committee during the presidential campaign.
He also called another critic an “ass swipe.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein came back from the dead today to throw some shade at Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for praising the 82 percent approval rating of Russian president Vlaidmir Putin. “Eighty-two percent! I snort at that!” said Hussein, who was executed by the Federal Government of Iraq in 2006, when he was 69. “My Revolutionary Command Council would have had a good laugh if I had run my country as a strongman with only an 82 percent approval, I can tell you that, my friend!” Hussein said a strong leader should never have anything under 100 percent approval, and he pointed to his impressive 111 percent approval rating when he asked his people in a poll what they thought of his job performance in 2003, shortly before an international coalition of forces invaded his country and forced him into hiding. “I am not a sentimental person, but I shed a tear at the love of my people on that day,” said Hussein. More.
In the first charge to come out of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian collusion by the Trump campaign, a grand jury has indicted one third of American voters for acts of criminal stupidity. “Evidence collected over the last six months provides clear and convincing evidence that 62.9 million Americans acted with criminal negligence and stupidity in voting for a man who repeatedly demonstrated he is unfit for high office,” the highly anticipated document says. The indictment, which was unsealed in federal court today, says Donald Trump, when he was a candidate for president of the United States, made it clear he neither understood nor respected the institutions of the country he was seeking to lead. “Voting for a candidate who undermined the democratic institutions of the United States violates the duties of Americans to undertake their responsibilities as voters responsibly. More.
President Trump criticized former president Barack Obama for not reaching into his own bank account to give a big payout to the families of soldiers who died protecting their country. “Did Obama ever give any money to our precious Gold Star families?” the president asked at a press briefing today. “I really don’t think so. I’ve been told he never did, never sacrificed his money to pay a wife who lost a husband protecting our country.” Trump said he might be the first president to use his own funds to help a grief-stricken family, “It’s one thing, you know, to call and offer condolences to the wife or mother for losing their guy,” he said. “Their guy knew what he signed up for, but, really, who ever signs up to give his life? No one. But it happens. Very sad when it does. Very tragic.” More.
Melania’s Body Double Speaks Out, Says She’s Repeatedly Asked Donald to Provide a Body Double at Night
First Lady Melania Trump’s body double, Nika Horvath, came forward today to confirm her role as a stand-in for the First Lady after her identity was revealed by childhood friends who saw her on TV while Donald Trump spoke about the Iranian nuclear agreement. “It is not my favor to be in public eye in this manner but I cannot hide from the knowledge now and so I speak out,” says Horvath, who, like Melania Trump, was born in Novo Mesto, Slovenia, in 1970. Horvath, a fashion model who has worked mainly in Eastern Europe and parts of Northern Africa, says she and the First Lady became friends in elementary school in part because they looked so much alike. “The people they would comment on our physical characters and they put us together and that was good because we like each other, yes, right from the beginning days,” she said. More.
President Donald Trump said no one respects freedom of the press more than he does but if outlets such as CNN and NBC continue to produce fake news, he’s going to be forced to take action to ensure the news Americans receive is real. “It’s not something I want to do,” he said at a press briefing today. “Believe me. I want our press to be so free and so good. In fact, I think my policy on the press is more fair than Obama’s. I’m not sure what his policy was, but I hear it wasn’t so good, frankly, And mine is better. That’s what I’m told. I’m just saying.” Trump said he’s looking into how to “open up” the press so it’s more accountable to truth. “Are they running fake stories about Russian collusion?” he said. More.
California Gov. Jerry Brown issued a desperate plea to Prsident Donald Trump to recognize the scale of emergency the state is facing from devastating fires that are destroying thousands of homes and leaving large swaths of land burnt to a crisp. “Our brave fire fighters and first responders are doing heroic work but they’re struggling to get these fires contained,” Brown said at a hastily called news conference outside of Mendocino. Although federal assistance is flowing in, the pace isn’t what’s needed given the scale of emergency the state faces. “Californians are expecting to see their president here,” Brown said. “They want to see their president here.” Brown said he’d like to see President Trump stand before people in the state who’ve lost everything and throw something at them, whether it’s rolls of paper towels or something else. “All Americans are important, whether they’re Americans in Texas or Florida or in Puerto Rico or California,” Brown said. More.
White House Chief of Staff John Kelly held a rare press briefing today to introduce President Donald Trump’s new policy goal of doing stupid sh*t. “I told the President when I came on board as his chief of staff that I wanted to do a top-to-bottom policy review and we’ve now completed that undertaking,” Kelly told reporters. “The goal was to wrap everything the President does under a single, unified framework. And it’s that framework that we’re introducing today.” The “Do Stupid Sh*t” framework has three components, Kelly said: 1. Did President Obama do it? If yes, do the opposite. 2. Do white supremacists, Christian evangelicals, and the National Rife Association like it? Then do that. 3. Is it anti-democratic? Then too bad the fake news media can’t be trusted to tell the real story. More.
White nationalist leader Richard Spencer says he believes blacks, Jews, and other Americans of impure bloodlines will leave the United States on their own accord once he and his followers march in front of enough confederate statutes. “What we think is, after a certain point, the approximately 15 million Jews and about 50 million blacks in our country will choose to leave and everyone will be happy,” says Spencer, whose organization is based in Alexandria, Va. Spencer’s organization was involved in the rally by white supremacists, neo-Nazis, and the Ku Klux Klan in Charlottesville, Va., in late August that led to the death of a counter protester. More.
U.S. Attorney General Pete Sessions, a long-time opponent of pot legalization, says it’s “fake news” that he secretly cheers on the wildfires in California that are quickly obliterating the country’s most fertile area for growing marijuana. “I can tell you that such an accusation is not only false but unconscionable if someone has actually made that accusation,” he said in a closed-door hearing with the Senate Judiciary Committee. Although the meeting was private, the conversation was later recounted to reporters by people who were there. Sessions said he doesn’t know the cause of the fires but it shouldn’t be ruled out that God caused them. “Were they acts of God?” he reportedly said in his testimony. “Most fires are.” Although he didn’t make this connection at the hearing, he has said on occasion that God acts in mysterious ways. More.
The Federal Election Commission and the U.S. Congress issued a rare joint notice today recalling President Donald Trump from office after studies indicated he posed a health and safety risk to the people of the United States. “Recalling the President of the United States is not a step we take lightly,” Steven Walther, chair of the Federal Election Commission, says in the notice, which was mailed to 322 million citizens of the United States this morning. “We understand that a recall of this magnitude is a serious step that imposes steep costs, in time, money, energy, and fundamental political beliefs, on all Americans. Nevertheless, after many months of examining the evidence, we take this step in the unanimous understanding that it’s necessary for the protection of our citizens, our country, and our world.” More.
Administration officials called it fake news that President Donald Trump took Kevlar vests from a box and tossed them out to a crowd of survivors of the mass shooting last week on the Las Vegas strip. “It’s just another example of bad reporting from a news media that people have a right to think more highly of,” Trump Senior Advisor Kellyanne Conway said at a press briefing today. Conway also said it’s not tue that Trump praised the people as a “great crowd,” nor did he say there was a lot of “love in the room.” Separately, the Natonal Rifle Association denied it supplied President Trump with the Kevlar vests and said . . . More.
Fox News host Sean Hannity lashed out at liberal advocates for aspirin on his show today, calling it “despicable” and “beyond shameful” that they’re using a man’s recent headache to talk about the need for aspirin. “The person’s head is still throbbing,” he said. “Parents and loved ones are still asking the person if he’s all right. None of this matters to the left in this country.” Have there been other times Hannity has called out the left for politicizing the moment? We investigate: Car trouble It’s unconscionable to talk about getting the car fixed when it’s stalled in the side of the road.” Puerto Rico “It’s beyond shameful to call for clean water while Puerto Ricans still have water purification tablets to use.” More.
The National Rifle Association released a statement today warning lawmakers in Congress not to use the recent mass shooting in Las Vegas as a reason to take drastic action on gun ownership because armed citizens are needed to fight enemies like North Korea and Iran. “Should the government of Kim Jong Un in North Korea decide to drop a nuclear warhead on the United States or one of its territories, as it has threatened to do, we will need American citizens to take up arms to defend themselves,” The NRA said in its statement. Wayne LaPierre, executive director of the gun-rights group, said the framers of the U.S. constitution made it a point to protect gun ownership in this country precisely to ensure people are prepared to join their state militia should they be called upon to do so. More.
The U.S. Congress came together in a bipartisan fashion today to condemn the acts of gun violence that will plague the country in the months and years ahead. “We condemn the senseless taking of innocent life that we will experience in the future,” the resolution reads. “We call on all Americans to come together during these times of national trauma that will inflict us, probably twice a year if not more frequently.” Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wyo.), one of the sponsors of the resolution, says it’s a step in the right direction for lawmakers to get all of their future condemnations of acts of gun violence out of the way at once, because that will free up time for other legislative priorities. More.
Stung by derisive comments that followed their use of tiki torches at their Charlottesville rally this summer, supremacist groups around the country say they’re now using the new SmartTorch app for their events. “Our goal has always been to stoke fear in the hearts of liberals and progressives and other snowflakes that the white supremacist movement is for real and it’s large,” says Richard Spencer, leader of a white supremacist think tank based in Alexandria, Va. “Obviously we can’t do that if people are laughing at or mocking our torches. That’s why we’ve found the new Smart Torch app indispensible for our rallies.” More.
A mjority of Americans say they have enough time to look at their phones and stuff for five or six hours a day but not for the seven or eight hours a day that they’d like, and driverless cars could solve that problem for them, a poll shows. “I have friends who make comments and stuff on Twitter that I don’t like to miss when I’m making a left turn or a right turn,” says April Barnett, a manicurist in Tucson, Ariz. She says she’d like to have her car do more driving so she can keep up with her friends when she’s behind the wheel. “Like last week, my friend Ashleigh posted a video of her eating cake with her boyfriend at a restaurant and it came to me, like, when I was parking or something. I could have liked it right away but I couldn’t because, you know, the car’s not going to park itself.” More.
In the war of words between President Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un of North Korea, the winner is the leader of the small, militarized dictatorship on the Korean peninsula and not the man in the White House who’s so quick with a tweet. A Gallup poll out today shows 90 percent of Americans think Kim Jong Un is “the much better insulter” of the two and that, if words could kill, Trump would probably be dead by now. “As much practice as President Trump gets at insulting people, you’d think he’d win the war of words between him and Kim in a cakewalk, but Americans just aren’t impressed with what he’s coming up with,” says Darrell Thompson, professor of communications at Princeton who oversaw the poll for the Gallup Organization. “‘Rocket Man’ was good, people agree, but it pales in comparison to ‘dotard,’ which is off the charts.” Trump had called Kim “Rocket Man” in his speech before the General Assembly of the United Nations. In response, Kim called Trump a “dotard,” which refers to an elderly person who exhibits signs of mental decline. More.