Calif. Fires: Gov. Pleads with Trump to Throw Something at Them

Brown: ‘People are hurting’

California Gov. Jerry Brown issued a desperate plea to Prsident Donald Trump to recognize the scale of emergency the state is facing from devastating fires that are destroying thousands of homes and leaving large swaths of land burnt to a crisp. “Our brave fire fighters and first responders are doing heroic work but they’re struggling to get these fires contained,” Brown said at a hastily called news conference outside of Mendocino.

Although federal assistance is flowing in, the pace isn’t what’s needed given the scale of emergency the state faces. “Californians are expecting to see their president here,” Brown said. “They want to see their president here.”

Paper towels needed

Brown said he’d like to see President Trump stand before people in the state who’ve lost everything and throw something at them, whether it’s rolls of paper towels or something else. “All Americans are important, whether they’re Americans in Texas or Florida or in Puerto Rico or California,” Brown said. “California is the country’s biggest and most economically critical state. The President should be here and he should be throwing stuff at our people who’ve lost so much.”

A spokesperson for the White House said the President is focusing on helping middle-class Americans by ending their health insurance subsidies and eliminating personal tax exemptions as part of tax reform, but that the people of California are in his thoughts and prayers.

Stuck in Washington?

“The President is thinking about Californians and praying for them,” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the spokesperson. “I know he’d like to try to get to California to throw something at them, whether it’s paper towels or something else. But he can’t be in multiple places at once, and right now he’s trying to inch us closer to war with North Korea and Iran as well as end the estate tax for our country’s wealthiest half-percent. But he will keep thinking about and praying for Californians even though their state just made itself a sanctuary for illegal immigrants who take American jobs and commit crimes against American people. Again, he wants to be there even though the state has been going around the president’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate accord and taking steps to fight ‘global warming.’ But none of that means he doesn’t want to come to the state to throw something at the people there. He does, and he still might. I promise all Californians that President Trump might yet come and throw something at them. I guarantee it.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd, and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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