Federal Government Issues Safety Recall for Defective President

Action announced

The Federal Election Commission and the U.S. Congress issued a rare joint notice today recalling President Donald Trump from office after studies indicated he posed a health and safety risk to the people of the United States.

“Recalling the President of the United States is not a step we take lightly,” Steven Walther, chair of the Federal Election Commission, says in the notice, which was mailed to 322 million citizens of the United States this morning. “We understand that a recall of this magnitude is a serious step that imposes steep costs, in time, money, energy, and fundamental political beliefs, on all Americans. Nevertheless, after many months of examining the evidence, we take this step in the unanimous understanding that it’s necessary for the protection of our citizens, our country, and our world.”

Health and safety risk identified

A statement by the leadership of the United States Congress is appended to the notice. “It is the bipartisan consensus of the leadership of the Congress that today’s action by the Federal Election Commission is appropriate and necessary to ensure the health and safety of all Americans,” the statement says. It is signed by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), the chamber’s minority leader, Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.), Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-Wis.), and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.).

Under the notice, Americans are instructed to “peacefully allow the federal government to remove Donald J. Trump from office and administer the oath of office to Vice President Mike Pence,” who will assume the office of the presidency until either further notice or the 2020 national elections, whichever comes first.

According to the notice, federal authorities will work with Trump, as a private citizen, in an effort to correct the health and safety risks his presidency posed. “That is our first priority,” Walther says in the notice. “If we can correct the defects, we will reinstall his presidency as quickly and seamlessly as we can.”

President Trump’s defects, the notice explains, include the following:

  • Sowing distrust in institutions essential to democracy by releasing incorrect or misleading statements on a regular basis
  • Harming diplomatic relations with other countries by delivering insulting remarks even while responsible formal remarks are visible on the TelePrompTer
  • Endangering Americans by taking unilateral regulatory actions that will cause widespread harm
  • And risking the future of earth by destroying it.

“Although we are not confident we can correct these defects before he 2020 elections, all Americans can be assured we are making the utmost effort to do so,” Walther says. “In the meantime, we ask you not to take violent action in protest of this action, as it has been taken with your heath and safety in mind.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd, and cc. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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