Duncan Hunter Livid to Find His A**hole Attached to Someone Else

Hunter: ‘Whaaa?’

California Republican Duncan Hunter, an anti-immigration hard-liner in Congress who said last week that, while President Donald Trump might be an a**hole, he’s at least “our a**hole,” lashed out in anger today at reports that his a**hole has struck an immigration deal with Democrats.

“So, my a**hole isn’t my a**hole after all?” he told reporters at the Capitol this morning. “I wake up, look in the mirror, and I find there’s no a**hole attached to my backside and instead find it attached to the backside of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer?”

‘Don’t want it back’

Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Schumer (D-N.Y.) are the House and Senate minority leaders, respectively.

The immigration deal they reportedly struck with Trump involves 800,000 people who came to the United States as children as undocumented immigrants who are protected from deportation under the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, or DACA, an Obama-era executive order.

Hunter said he isn’t sure whether he would welcome back his a**hole back at this point, even if it no longer wanted to be attached to the Democrats. “It’s like knowing someone accidentally used your toothbrush,” he said. “Maybe they only used it for a few seconds before realizing it was your toothbrush, but it doesn’t take more than a second in the wrong mouth to make you not want to put it back in your mouth, you know? To have your a**hole on the backside of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer for even a second is one second too long. I can never really call it my a**hole again.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: cc and pd. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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