Trump Goal: To Be Present in Everyone’s Mind, Every Minute of Every Day

Trump: Taking in the attention

President Donald Trump said today he wants to be the only thing people think about each and every moment of their lives, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

“I only exist if people are thinking about me and only me from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep,” he told reporters at a briefing in the Oval Office. “There are still people in parts of Africa, Antarctica, and maybe a few other places that don’t think about me and what I’m doing to the United States and even to the world. But with my success ratcheting up tensions with North Korea, Venezuela, Iran, and other countries around the globe, I believe I will reach my mark soon.”

Trump said he was pleased by the attention he received when he waited two days to condemn the white nationalist violence in Charlottesville, Va., this past weekend, but he wished he would have received some positive coverage from the mainstream media when he initially blamed “all sides” in the conflict. “I don’t need positive coverage to be acknowledged as the center of everyone’s attention at every moment of every day,” he said. “But it would have been nice. I do have feelings.”

Part of the challenge he faces, he said, is that he attracts more coverage when he violates long-held norms, so he finds himself caught between a rock and a hard place. “Do I like coverage? Yes, of course,” he said. “And I know I’m going to get coverage if I, say, undermine the credibility of our elections by accusing them of being rigged if I lose, or if I say Barack Obama was never born in the United States. Saying things like that get me a lot of condemnation, but that’s what gets the eyeballs.”

Trump said he wouldn’t mind it if he could “get the eyeballs” by not being such an asshole, but he knows that’s not going to happen. “I’m condemned to this life of saying things to get attention,” he said. “Unfortunately, that makes me a pariah to people of good will. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I know I can never cease my quest to attract people’s attention. I must have it, so if I must be hated, so be it.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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