Trump Can’t Believe How Many Problems He’s Fixed Since He Became President

Trump: ‘So good’

Pointing to the “unbelievable job” he’s doing as president, Donald Trump today said he’s way ahead of his schedule for fixing everything that’s wrong with America.

“When I was nominated by so many Americans last year, I said that I alone can fix our great country’s problems,” he said in a briefing with reporters. “I’m glad to say your president has delivered on his promises and you’ll be so surprised and so pleased at how much I’ll deliver on my promises in the weeks and months ahead.”

Trump cited the success of free speech that was expressed in Charlottesville, Va., yesterday, in which a coalition of white nationalist groups clashed with anti-fascist demonstrators. “The free speech was so good,” he said of the rally, at which one protestor was killed when an alleged neo-Nazi supporter rammed his car into a crowd of people. Two officers were also killed when their police helicopter crashed. Virginia Governor Terrence McAuliffe declared a state of emergency.

Trump also pointed to his plan to let Obamacare collapse by not paying the subsides that are part of the program. “Since our ineffectual Congress can’t pass bills that will help Americans, I am doing the job myself by making insurance unaffordable to people who can least afford it,” he said. “The problem solving is so good.”

He also praised how many problems he’s solving by criticizing Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), whose ability to marshall votes is crucial to whether Trump can get his agenda enacted. “By alienating the most important person I need, I am helping to win so much for the American people that they will get tired of winning,” he said.

The next victory on the country’s horizon, the president said, is the provocation of an emerging nuclear power in North Korea. “By ratcheting up tensions with a young leader who kills his own people to stay in power, I am showing Americans what it’s like to win again,” he said “After all those years of losing, and letting North Korea off the hook by not provoking the country’s ruthless leader, we’re winning again as I put our world on edge by my beautiful wins. There will be even more wins tomorrow, I can guarantee you that. We have so many wins coming up that your head will hurt, your heart will ache, and your brain will explode.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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Misogynist: ‘I’d Vote for Sanders But I’m an Anti-semite’

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