“As I’ve traveled across this great country of ours—a country getting greater every day, I might add—I’ve come to the conclusion that we need a competent government in the White House more than anything else because after eight years of mismanagement by the Russian colluder Barack Obama, and the Democrats attempt to rig the election in 2016, we can’t have more failed policies in our government,” Trump told reporters in a briefing this morning.
Trump raised eyebrows last month by appearing at a rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, that was funded by his campaign operation and billed as his first speech of the 2020 presidential election.
Corey Lewandowski, a campaign manager for Trump during the 2016 election, says Trump inherited a White House in disarray and has had to spend his first months in office “fixing all the things Barack Obama broke.”
Despite the clean-up that’s been needed, Trump is proving to be “probably the greatest, most competent president we’ve even had, except for maybe Lincoln,” Lewandowski said. “That’s why you’re going to be hearing a lot about competence in the coming months. What Barack Obama’s disastrous presidency has shown us is that, if you don’t have a competent leader in the White House, you fail the American people. You can’t get major legislation passed, even if Congress is controlled by your own party, and you can’t keep key staff people. You’re always firing people or having them resign, maybe even after only 10 days on the job. How can you work for the American people if you can’t even keep staff in the White House?”
Lewandowski is expected to play a major role in Trump’s reelection effort. “The president would like to govern but unfortunately he’s been forced to start his reelection early because of his predecessor’s incompetence and the criminal enterprise of his last opponent,” he said.
Democrats in Congress are also to blame, because they’ve made it clear their only interest is in blocking everything Trump tries to do. “Democrats aren’t interested in governing,” he said. “They never tried to work with the president on repealing Obamacare even though Americans have made it clear they don’t want to pay for poor people’s health insurance and they joined so-called Republicans in passing stiff Russian sanctions even though President Trump has signaled he wants better ties to Russia. We need a competent leader in the White House, so that’s why we’re already looking to 2020 to get one.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
PARIS—President Donald Trump, in what many are calling an international gaffe and a sexist comment, called Brigitte Marcon, wife of French President Emmanuel Macron, “very high quality” and in fact “higher quality” than he expected. “The First Lady of our strong friend and ally France is in good shape and you can tell she’s a quality person, very beautiful, the highest quality,” Trump said yesterday during his meeting with President Macron and his wife. Trump was in France with his wife, Melania, to celebrate Bastille Day with the French people. “I know a lot of quality people,” Trump said. “The best high quality. I would certainly put the First Lady of France in that group. I put my wife in that group, too, of couse. There are a lot of people in that group.” More.
Ivana Trump, Donald Trump’s ex-wife and mother of his three oldest children, agreed with her former husband that their oldest son, Donald Jr., is “high quality” but also added that their two other children, Ivanka and Eric, are also “high quality.” Trump, 68, a Czech-American businesswoman and former fashion model who divorced Trump in 1992, said having quality children was a goal they both shared and one of the things they never had any disagreements over. “We had differences on some things, like me working outside the house, but I can say that we never disagreed on the need to have high quality children,” she said. “We also agreed that our children were in fact very high quality, so that’s something we both take pride in.” More.
President Donald Trump said his oldest son, Donald Jr., didn’t collude with the Russians to hurt Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election, but if he did, he can count on a presidential pardon. “The Democrats can use their rigged system to convict my son for a fake Russia collusion story but I have the ability to pardon him and I will,” Trump said today at the White House. “He’s going to keep running my business until I’m out of office.” Trump called the linkage between his son and Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya a “witch hunt” because their meeting was the kind of thing people involved in campaigns have always done. “If someone who claimed to have connections to the Iranian government offered to share damning stories about me to Hillary Clinton’s people, do you think they’d turn that down?” Trump said. More.
President Donald Trump made a more serious and important decision this morning than anything former President Barack Obama ever made in his eight years in office, White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said today. Sanders was responding to a question from a reporter about an important piece of paper that Trump was photographed looking at this morning. Sanders said she wasn’t familiar with the paper, but based on past papers the President has looked at, it was likely something of grave national concern about which the President made a better decision than Obama ever would have. “I can tell you that, whatever decision President Trump made was better for America, created more jobs and saved more lives, than decisions his predecessor made,” she said. Tomorrow the President will be making better decisions than Obama based on a briefing book of “probably 100 pages” that he is scheduled to be photographed looking at, Huckabee said. “The jobs will be better, the outcome for America’s forgotten middle class will be superior to the disaster that was the Obama presidency,” she said. More.
White House communications chief Kellyanne Conway says it’s unfair of the media not to take into account all the infantile thoughts and memes that President Trump could have tweeted but didn’t during his five months in office. “Have there been adolescent thoughts he’s tweeted that probably should have stayed in his head?” Conway told reporters at the White House today. “Of course. But there have been far more that he hasn’t tweeted, including some that were particularly beneath the dignity of the president.” Conway gave as an example a meme Trump had been thinking about tweeting but didn’t even though it was particularly juvenile. “I was with him when he said he wanted to share this stupid video that he liked a lot,” she said. “But he decided not to and I think that speaks a lot to the kind of man, the kind of president he is.” More.
The CNN executive who got body slammed by Donald Trump in the viral wrestling video says the fight didn’t end when the video ended; it ended after an additional round of fighting in which Trump didn’t fare quite so well. The executive, who asked to remain anonymous so he could speak frankly, said he hit Trump with a leapfrog body guillotine, in which he ran up to Trump from behind, jumped on his back, and hopped over his head, forcing Trump down onto the ground. “It was a dirty move but the President fights dirty,” said the executive. More.
Louise Linton, newly married to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, reportedly said “I do” when she was asked at her wedding if she would love and cherish her husband until death do them part. The Scottish-born actress is probably best known for her role as Deputy Winston in Cabin Fever, a 2016 horror film. She also played Annie Luster in The Midnight Man, a 2016 film about an assassin who, late in life, experiences what it’s like to feel pain. Linton, 36, met Mnuchin at a wedding reception in 2013 and said it was an honor to have President Donald Trump and his wife, Melania Trump, at their wedding, which took place earlier this month at the Andrew Mellon Auditorium in Washington and which has been described as “extravagant” and a “fairy tale wedding” in news reports. The wedding was presided over by Vice President Mike Pence. More.
President Donald Trump admitted today he never taped former FBI Director James Comey but he left open the possibility that he’s taping himself, although he acknowledged he’s just speculating. “I’m not saying I am taping myself but so many things are coming out of the White House, coming out of the Oval Office, that I think I could be taping myself,” he said. “I just think we’re going to be revealing some very interesting things in the months ahead. Very interesting things. You’ll be surprised, I can guarantee you that.” A White House press aide who spoke on condition of anonymity said the President’s remark “speaks for itself,” although it wasn’t clear if the President was admitting he was taping himself or whether he was being taped at his request or whether he was being taped not at his request but with his tacit agreement. “Or maybe the agreement isn’t tacit,” this aide said. “I think you ought to ask the President whether it’s tacit or not.” More.
New Jersey Governor Chrs Christie says he’s not on the list to be vice president in a Mike Pence administration should the Vice President assume the presidency in the event Donald Trump is removed from office. “I have not been asked, nor am I considering how I would respond should I be asked, to be vice president under a Mike Pence administration,” Christie said in a statement his office sent to news outlets today. “I can say I won’t be vice president unless and until I’m under consideration, and as of right now I am not.” A spokesperson for Vice President Pence confirmed that no one has asked, nor is there any contemplation of asking, Christie to be vice president under Pence. “The Vice President is focusing on improving the lives of Americans and has not made any kind of outreach to Gov. Christie to be vice president,” said Mike White, deputy spokesperson for the vice president. More.
Vice President Mike Pence confided to his aides that he’s happy to be president after Donald Trump is removed from office later this year but he’s also nervous about the number of times he’ll have to be alone with a woman who is not his wife. “The presidency is a big responsibility and there are a lot of important women I’ll have to meet and I’m not sure I’ll always be able have an aide with me,” said Pence, who adheres to a policy of never being alone with a woman unless she’s his wife, Karen. “Take Theresa May,” he said, referring to the prime minster of Great Britain. “I know there will be occasions when the two of us will have to have a private talk. I’m just not sure what I’m going to do. I’m very concerned about this.” More.
Vice President Mike Pence, amidst revelations that he used a personal email account to conduct official business when he was governor of Indiana, said what he did was different from Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton’s use of personal email when she was secretary of state. “What Hillary Clinton did was a clear violation of law and a threat to national security while my use of personal email was a smart and necessary action that benefitted the people of Indiana,” Pence said in a statement released today. Pence’s use of a personal AOL email account was revealed yesterday in a report by The Indianapolis Star. More.
Washington political pundits say they’re confident President Donald Trump, with his mounting conflicts of interest and poorly vetted and divisive policies, will be impeached before he reaches the end of his first term of office. “There’s no doubt Trump’s days are numbered,” says Chuck Cooper, the well-respected pollster who confidently predicted Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) would win the Republican nomination. “Will he be impeached within his first year or his second year? I’m not sure, but he will be impeached.” Gene Robertson, the highly regarded Washington Post columnist who confidently predicted the Republicans would flirt with Trump but would ultimately go with a strict conservative, like Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), said it’s clear the president will not make it a full four years in office. “Will the conflicts become too glaring? Will he brazenly disregard the Constitution? I’m not sure what it will be, but a time will come when Republican leaders in Congress will be forced to capitulate and impeach him.” More.
Republican Mike Pence came across as the winner against Democrat Sen. Tim Kaine of Virginia in their vice presidential debate this week at Longwood University but viewers say the Indiana governor’s skill at lying was what impressed them the most. “I never expected Pence to be as good at lying as he was,” said Andrew McNair, a retired insurance agent in Des Moines, Iowa. “Yes, he did a good job counterpunching Kaine and articulating conservative Republican positions, but none of that matched how well he said things that weren’t true.” Viewers across the country echoed that view, saying the ability of Pence to lie without showing any hint of uncertainty or self-doubt earns him a place in a liar’s hall of fame, although such an institution doesn’t exist. More.
Republican vice presidential nominee Mike Pence, fresh from his party’s national convention in Cleveland two weeks ago, hit the campaign trail today with the message that he’s “with the sociopath” and he hopes voters all across America will join him. “It’s time for you to be with the sociopath as well!” he exhorted voters in campaign stops across the Midwest. The “sociopath” refers to Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump, who tapped Pence to be his running mate three weeks ago. At a stop in Des Moines, Iowa, earlier in the day, Pence said the country could no longer afford to be guided by politicians who “read briefing papers” and “consider options” when confronted with a crisis. More.
The upcoming debate between vice presidential candidates Tim Kaine on the Democratic side and Mike Pence on the Republican side will be a clash of the ages, analysts predict, with oratorical fireworks dominating the national conversation for months—possibly even years—to come. “I can’t imagine a more combustive match-up than these two men, with their outsized, colorful personalities, laying into each other for 90 minutes on national television,” says Peter Norton, CBS news political analyst and a contributor to the Street Political Report. Sam Meyers, political correspondent for The New York Times, says Kaine, the junior U.S. senator from the important swing state of Virginia and a past governor of that state, is known for his fiery rhetoric and willingness to make political enemies. More.
Indiana Governor Mike Pence, an increasingly likely pick of Donald Trump to be the presumptive Republican nominee’s vice presidential running mate, calls rumors untrue that his nickname is Cuddles. “I am not known by, and would not answer to, the name Cuddles,” Pence said in a statement he released this morning. The nickname surfaced two days ago, when his wife, Karen, was heard on an open microphone calling him that before he gave a speech in Indianapolis supporting Trump. “Cuddles, did you remember to go potty before you got up here?” his wife was heard asking him. “You know what happens when you don’t go potty before you speak. You rush through your lines.” More.