Kid Rock, the Grammy-winning hip-hop, rock, and country artist, has announced his intention to run for a seat in the United States Senate for the state of Michigan as a famous Republican.
“We need more famous people in office,” Rock said at a press announcement today. “We need people who know how to get their name out there, steal the limelight, and command the press attention, because these are the people who are ready to dig into the details of policy, understand the nuances, try to see things from all sides, and find a solution that gets the country moving forward for all Americans and not just some Americans. That’s something famous people can do.”
Rock, whose given name is Robert James Ritchie, said people with experience governing aren’t going to know what it’s like to have a five-month marriage to a former Playboy playmate, nor are they going to know what it’s like to be caught on video with another famous person getting a head job from some women. And they’re not going to know what it’s like to be involved repeatedly in drunken brawls that lead to big monetary settlements. All of these things are needed in people whose ambition is to make laws.
“In Michigan, the state is struggling to reinvent itself as a successful competitor in today’s global marketplace,” he said, “If you’ve never had a professional wrestler use your music as his theme song before matches, how are you going to be a leader in this global race for dominance?”
He also said his record, Early Mornin Stoned Pimp, gives him insight to help working class households get a foothold in the new economy while cutting taxes for job creators. “We need to stop sending politicians to Washington,” he said. “We need to send famous people who’ve never tried to balance competing interests before. Famous people make themselves the center of everything. That’s why they’re famous. D’uh.”
When asked why he wanted to run, Rock said he’s getting too old for the music business. Younger artists are getting the limelight now because older artists like him no longer speak to young people. So he needs something to keep him in the spotlight. “It could be better,” he said. “The audience for politics is older, which isn’t great. But we need to keep Amtrak running on time, get Social Security checks to old people efficiently, and make sure our nuclear power plants remain safe as they age. Are people who spend their life making laws going tho be able to do that? If your answer is, ‘Not as well as a celebrity,’ then you know who to vote for.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
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