Disoriented Lawmakers Seen on Capital Hill After Talk in Senate of Bipartisan Health Bill

McConnell: ‘Do not be alarmed’

Dozens of lawmakers were escorted to the Capitol health clinic after they were seen wandering outside the Senate chamber glassy-eyed and mumbling to themselves. Doctors said they don’t know what caused the disorientation but a psychiatrist brought in to assist says it likely has to do with an uptick in talk among the Republican leadership to scrap the effort to repeal and replace Obamacare and instead work with Democrats to fix health care.

“We can’t be sure what it means, but all of the senators who were exhibiting signs of disorientation were muttering to themselves about health reform and bipartisanship,” said Oscar Newman, a Washington psychiatrist who works frequently with lawmakers. “There have been some reports of lawmakers in the House showing similar signs of disorientation, but I have not personally verified those.”

‘Help me’

According to the Washington Post, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) raised the possibility of scrapping the effort to repeal and replace the American Care Act, also known as Obamacare, after he failed to bring together moderate and conservative members of his caucus to vote on a bill before the July 4 recess. He is now reportedly exploring a bipartisan approach that would attract Democrats, although several Republican senators disputed that, saying there is no serious talk among the Republican leadership of working with the Democrats.

“We are not, and will not, abandon our effort to repeal and replace Obamacare,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), one of the most conservative members of the Republican caucus. “I know Democrats would like us to do that, but we fully intend to get the votes we need to end the Obamacare fiasco once and for all. I can assure you bipartisanship is not and will not be on the agenda. The American people did not send us here to work together; they sent us here to pass a Republican agenda, and that is what we’ll do.”

But Newman, the psychiatrist, said that message is apparently not getting to rank-and-file members, who show no signs of knowing where they are or even who they are. “We have some very confused lawmakers here,” he said. “They seem to think there was talk of bipartisanship coming out of the mouth of Sen. McConnell. I hope the Republican leadership sets them straight soon, because as long as they think bipartisanship is a possibility, I fear, they will continue to babble incoherently.”

Newman said he’s concerned members will start walking around in bathrobes and holding stuffed animals if they’re not brought back to reality soon. “I call on lawmakers of both parties to get partisanship back on track, because I worry we will lose a whole generation of lawmakers if talk of bipartisan compromise persists.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd. Public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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