U.K. to U.S.: ‘Looking Forward to Returning the Insult After Your Next Terrorist Attack’

The United Kingdom on Twitter today escalated a growing feud with the United States by promising to be just as insensitive and insulting when the U.S. is next hit by a terrorist attack as President Donald Trump was with the U.K. after its latest confrontation with extremist terror in London last week.

“Unfortunately, it’s only a matter of time before you’re hit by a terror attack again,” the U.K. tweeted this morning. “We’ll feel bad for you, of course, but, sadly, we’ll have to be insensitive and insulting about your response. Sad!”

The U.K. noted that no one is better at hurling insults than the British, so any country getting into a war of zingers with it will probably regret it. “Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure,” the U.K. tweeted about the U.S. losing an upcoming zinger fight with it. “It’s not your fault.”

The U.K. said it would try to keep its insults focused on President Trump rather than the people of the United States, who it understands are trying to come to terms with what they’ve done by electing Trump as their president. But it also said it’s inevitable that the American people will end up feeling “pretty stung” by the barbs that will be thrown their way. “We know you Americans would like to hear words of reassurance from us after a terrorist attack given we’ve been your closest ally for generations, and we’ll try to send them eventually,” the U.K. said. “But we’ll have to stick it to your president first. We hope you will be patient as we get in a dig about how bad a job he’s doing keeping you safe.”

The U.S. tweeted back that it understands but that it’ll have to respond in kind should the U.K. insult it after a terrorist attack. “Unfortunately, pride will require that we respond with something twice as insulting, in effect fueling a war of insults that could get out of contol. Sorry.”

“Understood,” the U.K. said. “It’s been nice being your ally. Hope we can repair this sometime down the road.”

The U.S. said it did, too, but that once the insults start flying, both sides are likely to say something that can’t be repaired and the trans-Alantic alliance might never recover.

“Sad!” both sides agreed.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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