Vice President Mike Pence confided to his aides that he’s happy to be president after Donald Trump is removed from office later this year but he’s also nervous about the number of times he’ll have to be alone with a woman who is not his wife.
“The presidency is a big responsibility and there are a lot of important women I’ll have to meet and I’m not sure I’ll always be able to have an aide with me,” said Pence, who adheres to a policy of never being alone with a woman unless she’s his wife, Karen.
“Take Theresa May,” he said, referring to the prime minster of Great Britain. “I know there will be occasions when the two of us will have to have a private talk. I’m just not sure what I’m going to do. I’m very concerned about this.”
Aides have offered different explanations for why Pence, 57, won’t be alone in a room with a woman. One explanation is that he’s afraid he won’t be able to tamp down inappropriate thoughts about them. “He seems like he has a lot of self-control,” said one aide who asked not to be identified so he could discuss personal matters about the vice president. “But I think in his mind he’s thinking, ‘No one’s in this room with me and this woman. What’s to stop me from pulling my pants down and exposing myself to her? I’m so bottled up inside that I could just freak out and go, “Look at me! I’m nasty! I’m nasty!”‘”
Another explanation is that he thinks women are dirty. “They have the blood coming out of their eyes, out of their whatever,” one aide said. “He takes a strict biblical view of women as coming from below, where snakes live, not from up high, where angels live.”
In the meeting, aides talked about having Pence privately meet only with women who aren’t attractive but the idea was shot down because a woman the president might find attractive his aides might find unattractive, and vice versa, and so it wouldn’t be clear when an aide should stay and when the aide should leave. “Do you stay when he’s meeting with, say, Brigitte Macron, or do you leave? Do you stay when he’s meeting with Angélica Rivera or do you leave?”
Macron is the wife of French President Emmanuel Macron and Rivera is the wife of Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto.
One aide called the two examples “dumb” because there’s no reason for the president to meet privately with the wives of other heads of state and another aide said both women are “clearly attractive, and if the President were to have inappropriate thoughts, he would have them about those two women.”
Another aide suggested he could meet alone with British Prime Minister May,” who’s, what, 60? 65?” but should probably have an aide with him if he were to meet with Dalia Grybauskait of Lithuania. But another aide said Theresa May “clearly falls in the “needs an aide” category. All of the aides agreed the President could meet alone with Angela Merkel of Germany, “for whom I have nothing but respect,” said one aide.
Aides were split over Iveta Radiová of Slovakia, but they all agreed it was highly unlikely the President would meet with her given the country’s limited strategic importance right now.
Pence said he will draw up a list with his staff director, but he wants someone to be with him when they do it because his staff director is a woman.
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd, det-r. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
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