Pence Worried About Being Alone With a Woman Should He Become President

Mike Pence

Vice President Mike Pence confided to his aides that he’s happy to be president after Donald Trump is removed from office later this year but he’s also nervous about the number of times he’ll have to be alone with a woman who is not his wife.

“The presidency is a big responsibility and there are a lot of important women I’ll have to meet and I’m not sure I’ll always be able to have an aide with me,” said Pence, who adheres to a policy of never being alone with a woman unless she’s his wife, Karen.

May: Quite striking

“Take Theresa May,” he said, referring to the prime minster of Great Britain. “I know there will be occasions when the two of us will have to have a private talk. I’m just not sure what I’m going to do. I’m very concerned about this.”

Aides have offered different explanations for why Pence, 57, won’t be alone in a room with a woman. One explanation is that he’s afraid he won’t be able to tamp down inappropriate thoughts about them. “He seems like he has a lot of self-control,” said one aide who asked not to be identified so he could discuss personal matters about the vice president. “But I think in his mind he’s thinking, ‘No one’s in this room with us. What’s to stop me from pulling my pants down and going, “Look at me! Look at me! I’m nasty!”?”

Pence: ‘Heh-heh’

Another explanation is that he thinks women are dirty. “They have the blood coming out of their eyes, out of their whatever,” one aide said. “He takes a strict biblical view of women as coming from below, where snakes live, not from up high, where angels live.”

In a meeting, aides talked about having Pence privately meet only with women who aren’t attractive but the idea was shot down because it would be impossible for Pence and his aides to agree on who’s attractive and who’s not. “As an aide, do you stay when he’s meeting with, say, Brigitte Macron, or do you leave? Do you stay when he’s meeting with Angélica Rivera or do you leave?”

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Angelica_Rivera.jpg

Rivera: A clear ‘Stay’

Macron is the wife of French President Emmanuel Macron and Rivera is the wife of Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto.

One aide called the two examples “dumb” because there’s no reason for the president to meet privately with the wives of other heads of state and another aide said both women are “clearly attractive,” so if the President were to have inappropriate thoughts, he would clearly have them about them.

Radiová: Aides split

Another aide suggested he should have no problem meeting alone with British Prime Minister May because although she’s quite slender, she’s older than he is. “She’s what, 60? 65?” the aide said.

But another aide said Theresa May “clearly falls in the ‘needs an aide’ category,” because although she’s probably seen better days, she’s relatively attractive for a woman her age.

All of the aides agreed the President could meet alone with Angela Merkel of Germany, “for whom I have nothing but the deepest respect,” one aide said. On the other hand, the aide continued, he should probably have an aide with him if he were to meet with Dalia Grybauskait of Lithuania.

Aides were split over Iveta Radiová of Slovakia, but they all agreed it was highly unlikely the President would meet with her given the country’s limited strategic importance right now.

Pence said he will draw up a list with his staff director, but he wants someone to be with him when they do it, because his staff director is a woman.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd, det-r. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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