Comey: ‘I Throw the Election to Trump and This is the Thanks I Get?’

Comey: ‘OK, someone was really dumb’

Former FBI Director James Comey, whose eleventh-hour intervention in the 2016 election is widely believed to have resulted in the election of Donald Trump as president, said he never would have thrown the election to Trump if he had known getting fired just a few months later would be his reward.

“Donald Trump has a lot of nerve firing me when I’m the whole blippin’ reason he’s even in his blippin’ office,” said Comey, a Republican who was appointed to head the FBI four years ago.

Comet’s firing was announced by the White House yesterday. In his dismissal letter, Trump cited Comey’s handling of the investigation into the emails of Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton. But Washington insiders say the real reason is the deepening FBI investigation into the Trump administration’s Russia ties.

Comey said he thought having a Republican in the White House would be good for the country after eight years of Democratic leadership, which is why he disclosed he was investigating the emails of Trump’s Democratic opponent Hillary Clinton but not that he was investigating the Trump campaign’s ties to the Russian government.

‘He had to go’

“Which is worse, that Clinton was using a private server that might be compromised by the Russians or that Trump might have colluded with them to throw the election his way?” Comey said. “Despite the obvious answer, I tipped the scales in Donald’s favor and what do I get in return? I get a ‘Thanks but no thanks’ letter from the White House. I’m so mad I’m spitting bullets.”

Comey, 56, has five kids and he said the college bills are mounting. “Sure, I’ll get a job as a consultant or something but there’s nothing like being the FBI director,” he said. “I had agents within the FBI saying, ‘Tip the scales to Hillary. Tip the scales to Hillary,’ and others saying, ‘Tip the scales to Donald. Tip the scales to Donald.’ Okay, so I tip the scales to Donald and what does he do? He blippin’ fires me. Did I say that already? I’m just so  pissed off I can’t even think straight. I’ve had half a dozen Mountain Dews already and it’s not even 11 o’clock.”

Comey said he would probably still be FBI Director had Clinton won. “Okay, she showed a lack of judgment with her emails, but she’s at least sane,” he said. “The real lack of judgment was me throwing my hand in to help that a-hole who just fired me.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): pd (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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