Stung by unfavorable comparisons between his inauguration crowd and that of his predecessor, Barack Obama, President Donald Trump today announced that when he wins reelection in 2020, Americans will be required to attend his 2021 inauguration unless at least two million people attend voluntarily.
“What the executive order says is, attendance at the inauguration is voluntary—which is in accordance with our freedoms as a democracy—but that if under two million people attend, people will be required to attend up to the minimum two-million attendance number,” said Sean Spicer, the White House spokesperson.
The two-million attendance figure is based on U.S. Park Service estimates that attendance at President Obama’s first inauguration, in 2009, was 1.8 million people. Attendance at Trump’s inauguration this year was estimated at between 250,000 and 600,000.
“Two million is sufficiently above 1.8 million to ensure we attract the most people ever,” Spicer said. “Which will be very impressive.”
Spicer said the President has already decided he will run for a second term and that he will require enough votes from Americans to win both the popular vote and the electoral vote. “What we don’t want is a repeat of 2016 in which the Democrats cheated to get Hillary Clinton more votes than President Trump,” he said. “So, we’ve begun to put in place a number of measures to increase Americans’ freedom to vote for the President.”
The new measures include restricted hours in which people in low-income neighborhoods can vote, a reduced number of polling places, and a time limit on how long they can wait in line.
“What we had last year were lots and lots of people wasting time in line—sometimes hours and hours—when they should be at work increasing the productivity of America,” Spicer said. “Voting day isn’t a holiday. It’s not a day you get to just stand around in the wind and the rain talking to your friends on Facebook. That’s what Saturday mornings are for, unless you work at Starbucks. So, we are going to make sure you vote for the President quickly and efficiently and if you don’t, you’re not going to have the privilege of voting in our free country.”
Other measures to ensure the President receives the highest number of popular votes and electoral votes include allowing California to secede (Oregon and Washington, too, if they want) and allowing foreign money into U.S. elections. “Right now, foreign interests, whether they’re Russian or Chinese, have no overt financial input into our free elections,” said Spicer. “That’s not the American way. So, we’re going to let foreigners invest as much money as they want in our President. They already make their influence heard in other ways; now we want to complete the circle.”
The measures took effect last night. “I’ll have the greatest inauguration crowd ever,” President Trump tweeted this morning at 4:55 a.m. “It’ll be even greater than my inauguration this year, already the greatest ever if you don’t count the lies.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: pd, National Park Service. Creative Commons and public domain. Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
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