President Donald Trump this morning announced the formation of a White House office to identify and assign blame to the responsible person for upcoming policy failures of his administration.
“No administration will be as accountable to the American people as mine for assigning blame for problems that will be coming in the years ahead,” Trump said in announcing his new White House Office of Blame Laying.
On the upcoming failure of the American Health Care Act, for instance, the finger of blame will be pointed at former president Barack Obama for his program to increase the number of people with health insurance by 20 million. “When the Republican bill to repeal and replace Obamacare results in higher premiums for worse insurance for a declining number of Americans, we will know immediately that Barack Obama is to blame,” said Torvald Durmpf, a long-time Trump associate introduced today as the head of the new White House office. “We are already laying the groundwork for blaming the past president. We are going to be the most transparent administration ever on why the Trump administration isn’t to blame for this and other train wrecks that are coming to the American people.”
The coming disaster in the MIddle East is another policy calamity that the White House will need to have a scapegoat to point to. “When radical Islamic terrorists start to wage holy war against the United States because of our strategy to make this a war of the West against a single religion, we’ll be able to deflect blame onto Obama and Hillary Clinton, who failed to solve the problem of terrorism in her four years as secretary of state,” Durmpf said. “How many trips around the world did she make? Hundreds. And in not one of them did she stop these attacks.”
Durmpf, 70, said he’s looking forward to the challenge of finding a person to blame for every problem the country will confront. “Someone must be held accountable when our economy stops growing after people stop wanting to do business in our country,” he said. “The harassment of Mexicans and Muslins, the punitive taxes on foreign companies, the antagonistic relationships with our allies—someone will need to be the scapegoat when our country is shunned on the world stage and I’m proud to be the one who will find that person and make sure the people who voted for Donald Trump have a Washington elitist to curse.”
Durmpf said he hopes to be able to blame Obama for most problems that worsen in the years ahead, but he’s open to blaming others if it makes sense. “Will Barack Obama be assigned the blame for everything?” he said. “Probably not. I expect there will be others to take the blame on some things, whether they’re natural disasters that we know will happen but that we can’t predict in advance, or an increasing adversarial relationship with China, or provocative moves by Iran and North Korea. All of these things will need to have a scapegoat and I can’t stand here and say it will be Barack Obama in every case. In some instances it might be Democrats in Congress or the Deep State that will continue to undermine everything we do on behalf of America. It might even be Republicans in Congress. There are a lot of losers in the Senate and the House. They won’t escape blame, I can tell you that, if there’s an appropriate catastrophe to pin on them. We’re prepared to blame who we need to to make sure every problem has an appropriate person to blame.”
Do you have a person to blame for an upcoming policy failure? Access the website of the White House Office of Blame Laying to alert finger pointers to someone at whom they can point fingers.
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo: pd. Creative Commons. Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.
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