Desperate Cry for Help as Shinzō Abe, Like Melania, Tries to Escape Trump

sShinzō Abe, the Japanese prime minister, made a desperate cry for help last week in the White House, where his hand was held against its will by the hand of President Donald Trump.

“Nobody likes to be imprisoned, but few things are worse than having your hand imprisoned because your hand is the most important exponent of freedom a person has,” said Abe, the leader of Japan since 2012 and not normally a person given to abstract philosophical musings about freedom and hands.

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Abe: ‘Good to be free!’

Abe said he empathizes with Melania Trump, wife of Donald Trump, who, during the presidential inauguration on January 20, made a similar desperate cry for help about her imprisonment by her husband.

“When I saw Melania signal to the world on January 20 that she was being held captive against her will, I was less than sympathetic because I believed she had brought it on herself,” said Abe. “She saw dollar signs dancing in her head and so she married The Donald, and therefore she does not have grounds to complain now that she’s his wife, But now that I have myself been held prisoner by her husband, I have changed my view. She is a victim of a horrible injustice and we must rescue her.”

m1For his own rescue, Abe credits an unlikely hero: Trump’s small hands. “If Trump’s hands were appropriate for his size, my hand might never have seen the light of freedom, but eventually his small hands grew tired and I was able to free myself from his grasp,” he said.

The imprisonment of his hand occurred on Friday,  Feb. 10, when he was meeting with Trump in the Oval Office. After Trump shook his hand for the camera, Trump refused to let it go, even pulling Abe back toward him when the Japanese Prime Minister started to turn away. “What can I say? It was awful, horrible,” said Abe.

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First Lady: ‘Free me!’

Meanwhile, Melania remains imprisoned by Trump. But she might not be for long. By signaling to the world her desperation to be set free, people around the world have mobilized to do just that. And one of those people is Abe.

“It will be a goal of mine to see her free as long as I am prime minister of Japan,” he said. “Now that know we share a common injustice, I cannot rest until I know she’s free. No one deserves to be imprisoned in such a horrible prison as the insane world of Donald Trump. We must free her. We will free her.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): pd (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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