Theresa May: I Held the President’s Hand So I Would Know Where It Was

hhBritish Prime Minister Theresa May says she held the hand of President Donald Trump as they walked to the White House press room for their news conference earlier this week so she would know where his hand was at all times.

“Frankly, I thought it was more important to keep tabs on his hand than worry about any ridicule I might incur from the international community,” May said today.

May said she normally doesn’t worry about where the hands of world leaders are, but she didn’t want to take a chance on joining the more than two dozen women who have accused Trump of groping them.

“If it were just one woman who was accusing him, then I wouldn’t be too concerned,” she said. “But there have been some two dozen, which is not a small number.”

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International incident?

May says she was also on guard because she was wearing a pair of particularly sexy shoes, which she was afraid he might see as an invitation to get handsy. “It’s just one of those things you can’t be sure of,” she said. “Some men see a woman in leopard-skin shoes and they assume she’s frisky. As it is, I like to think of myself as frisky, but I certainly wouldn’t want to be considered an instigator.”

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His hands OK?

May added that she doesn’t find Trump particularly attractive. “I wouldn’t have minded catching the eye of Barack a little bit,” she said. “But only with the aim of advancing the special relatoinship between our two countries.”

May said she also thinks Rick Perry, Trump’s nominee for energy secretary, is a “damn good looking man. I would allow his hands around me without supervision. It would be quite alright.”

Should Perry be confirmed, she might get that opportunity. “I have my fingers crossed,” she said. “Although I worry he won’t make it. I hear he’s not very bright.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): tnn (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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