The United States was arrested today by its own Department of Justice for humiliating its new leader, Donald Trump.
The country is accused of showing up in only small numbers to President Trump’s inauguration, laughing at the musical acts performing at his event, and turning out bigger crowds at protest marches around the country the next day.
“We will only affirm that a country had been arrested and that it is awaiting a hearing at which bail will be set,” says Sean Schinner, spokesperson for the U.S. Department of Justice.
In the arrest report released by the department, in addition to the humiliation it served up on inauguration day, the country is accused of “watching shows poking fun at the president, listening to and attending shows of musical artists that refused to play at his inauguration, and not believing him when he says he would have won more votes than his opponent had not millions of illegals been allowed to vote.”
The country is also charged with routinely “giving the president the middle finger when he speaks, calling him an ‘asshole’ whenever he talks about how great he is, and continuing to demand he release his tax return to prove he’s as rich as he says and is not in the back pocket of Russian and other foreign interests.”
Walter Kearns, an attorney representing the country before the U.S. Department of Justice, says the United States will vigorously contest the charges.
“My client is a big country and many people voted for Trump,” says Kearns. “But many more people voted against him, and they’re not happy that Russian hackers tried to influence the election in his favor by releasing damaging information about his opponent. They’re also not happy that he has continued to undermine the foundations of their democracy by questioning the integrity of their elections, using divisive rhetoric, and lying about facts that in the past were widely accepted by Americans of all political viewpoints. For that reason, the country is prepared to fight this battle all the way up to the U.S. Supreme Court.”
In a statement, President Trump said he would drop the charges if the country would stop making fun of him. “I’m the most tremendous president the country has ever had,” the President said. “It’s disgusting how disrespectful the country is being to me. I would have won even more votes had it not been for the voter fraud. The Democrats offered new cars to illegal Mexicans to vote. I’m just saying we need to come together. I want to make America great again for everyone, not just for the America that voted for me. However, I’m prepared to do what I must to ensure the tremendousness of my presidency. Don’t make me lock up my entire country.”
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