Fan Devastated to Learn Team’s Championship Does Nothing to Alter Trajectory of His Pathetic Life

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Winner winning

Greg Parker was elated at first when his beloved Denver Broncos won the Super Bowl last year but after waking up the next day with a hangover and realizing he still hated his job, needed to lose weight, hadn’t had sex in almost a year, and was still driving the same crummy car, he realized the team’s win did nothing for him.

“How much space in my brain did I devote to this team?” Parker asked himself that fateful day after his team’s exciting victory over the Carolina Panthers. “All that time I spent poring over the team’s stats and what did I get in return? Nothing. They won and I’m still a loser.”

Parker’s mood used to rise or fall based on how the Broncos did. When they won he felt good, and when they lost, he felt defeated. “I used to go over the game in my mind and wonder which botched play was responsible for their loss,” he says. “Then I would imagine what would have happened had the outcome of that play been different.”

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Greg Parker who?

After the Broncos went all the way and won the Super Bowl, though, Parker realized it ultimately didn’t matter to him. “The fact that I rooted for the winning team didn’t make me a winner in any sense of the word,” he says. “I did nothing to contribute to the win, just as I was never responsible when they lost. In fact, I was irrelevant to them. And not only that, they didn’t even know I existed. I could have rooted for their opponent and it would have been all the same.”

Parker says he has resolved to focused his attention on something that makes a difference: his religion. “I’m going to attribute everything good that happens to me to God’s will. If I get a date, it’ll be because God willed it.”

https://www.amazon.com/Headset-Goggles-Controller-Canbor-Smartphones/dp/B01KZ1392Y/ref=as_li_ss_il?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=WGRSJF4FNC7HCR6YKPCN&linkCode=li2&tag=mediab-20&linkId=0e6d6b3b8eae439c995cbee26de133c8Parker says he’s going to pray every waking moment to meet a woman he can have a date with. In fact, he made up his own prayer for the purpose. “Dear God, may Your light shine upon my undeserving self and put in my way a woman I can meet who will like me. May I then ask her out in a way that doesn’t turn her off and may we then go out for coffee and then maybe dinner the next weekend. And then may I not hit her in the eye when I put my arm around her, and may she not notice that I’m not in very good shape. And may she think my job as a shoe salesman is pretty good, especially since I’m the assistant manager on the weekends. And may we, when we finally have sex, do it for longer than 45 seconds. And then may we eventually get married.”

It would be ideal, he says, if she were interested in sports, becase then they could watch his favorite team together and he could impress her with how much he knows about the players, their team statistics, and what they need to do to win. But that’s out of his control. It’s all in God’s will.

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): pd, jb (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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