Greg Parker was elated at first when his beloved Denver Broncos won the Super Bowl last year but after waking up the next day with a hangover and realizing he still hated his job, needed to lose weight, hadn’t had sex in almost a year, and was still driving the same crummy car, he realized the team’s win did nothing for him.
“How much space in my brain did I devote to this team?” Parker asked himself that fateful day after his team’s exciting victory over the Carolina Panthers. “All that time I spent poring over the team’s stats and what did I get in return? Nothing. They won and I’m still a loser.”
Parker’s mood used to rise or fall based on how the Broncos did. When they won he felt good, and when they lost, he felt defeated. “I used to go over the game in my mind and wonder which botched play was responsible for their loss,” he says. “Then I would imagine what would have happened had the outcome of that play been different.”
After the Broncos went all the way and won the Super Bowl, though, Parker realized it ultimately didn’t matter to him. “The fact that I rooted for the winning team didn’t make me a winner in any sense of the word,” he says. “I did nothing to contribute to the win, just as I was never responsible when they lost. In fact, I was irrelevant to them. And not only that, they didn’t even know I existed. I could have rooted for their opponent and it would have been all the same.”
Parker says he has resolved to focused his attention on something that makes a difference: his religion. “I’m going to attribute everything good that happens to me to God’s will. If I get a date, it’ll be because God willed it.”
Parker says he’s going to pray every waking moment to meet a woman he can have a date with. In fact, he made up his own prayer for the purpose. “Dear God, may Your light shine upon my undeserving self and put in my way a woman I can meet who will like me. May I then ask her out in a way that doesn’t turn her off and may we then go out for coffee and then maybe dinner the next weekend. And then may I not hit her in the eye when I put my arm around her, and may she not notice that I’m not in very good shape. And may she think my job as a shoe salesman is pretty good, especially since I’m the assistant manager on the weekends. And may we, when we finally have sex, do it for longer than 45 seconds. And then may we eventually get married.”
It would be ideal, he says, if she were interested in sports, becase then they could watch his favorite team together and he could impress her with how much he knows about the players, their team statistics, and what they need to do to win. But that’s out of his control. It’s all in God’s will.
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): pd, jb (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Allan Harper just did some stretching, a sit-up, a couple of push-ups, and jogged around the block in his first workout in almost a decade, but unfortunately there’s not the slightest improvement in his body—as far as he can see. “It’s not that I expected to look like Charles Atlas or anything, but I thought I’d look a little tighter or something,” says Harper a 39-year-old policy analyst in Washington. Harper’s been meaning to get back into workout mode for years, especially since several of his friends have taken up running and his girlfriend is starting to make snide remarks about his weight. But it’s hard to get started. “I don’t want to just start doing some sit-ups, you know? I want to build it into my lifestyle.” More.
LONDON—Some of the world’s top women tennis players say their game has struggled as they try to keep their new Nike tennis dress from interfering with their shots, but they also love the way the dress doubles as lingerie for later that night. “Anytime I can pack one dress instead of two while I’m on the road I’m happy,” says Ivana Sveltka, the top-ranked Moldovan player gearing up for the second round at Wimbledon this week. “Being able to play in the dress during the day and then slip it on at night as a comfortable nightie is just wonderful.” The dress, which Nike-sponsored players are required to wear under their sponsorship agreements with the company, breaks the mold in tennis attire by replacing the standard skirt and top design with a single, loose fitting dress that’s notable for its high cut and willowy fabric. More.
The National Football League is accusing New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady of deflating the ego of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in yet another charge against the four-time Super Bowl championship team. “We have very strong reasons to be believe New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady conspired with Richard Berman, the presiding judge of the U.S. District Court of the Southern District of New York, to do irreparable harm to the reputation of National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, and on the basis of evidence we have, we are launching an investigation into this potential violation of League rules,” says NFL Spokesperson Marisa Miller. More.
Fresh off its controversy for allegedly using under-inflated footballs to win its AFC championship game two weeks ago, the New England Patriots are again under an ethical spotlight for allegedly using over-inflated footballs to beat the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 in last weekend’s Super Bowl XLIX matchup. “We have very clear visual evidence that the New England Patriots used footballs that were inflated far above the regulation level of 12.5 to 13.5 pounds per square inch (psi) in their game last Sunday, so we are officially investigating this potential violation of National Football League rules,” says NFL Executive Vice President Jay Pesh. Over-inflated balls are considered easier to see, a potential advantage for a team like the Patriots, which relies heavily on its passing game. More.
The widely reported “deflate-gate” scandal in which the New England Patriots allegedly used under-inflated footballs to gain an edge in their AFC championship game against the Indianapolis Colts last week was conceived and executed by scientists as a way to “make physics sexy” and “get the country talking about physics,” according to a memo that’s surfaced during the NFL’s investigation of the Patriots’ ball-handling practices. “We’re still looking into this, but if it’s true, it’s shocking news to say the least,” says NFL Executive Vice President Jay Pesh. “I want to caution that we are still in the middle of our investigation, which we promise will be thorough and fair. What we’re doing now is looking at the source of this memo, talking with people who are familiar with this memo, so that we can determine what the appropriate next steps will be.” More.
Now that the U.S. Patent and Trade Office (USPTO) has stripped the Redskins football team of trademark protection because the term is considered a racial slur, scores of businesses have grabbed the famous name. “I know it’s a terrible word and I myself don’t harbor a racist bone in my body, but because I own a business that turns your skin orange, I knew I needed the Redskins name as soon as it became available,” says Graham Little, owner of Redskins Tanning Salon in Dallas. “Get your orange skin at Redskins. As you can see, the marketing potential is enormous, especially here in Dallas, where orange skin is the mark of a wealthy woman.” Redskins Radiation Partners is the new name of Culver Radiation Partners in Orlando, a switch managing partner Jeff Reed made after hearing the trademark news. More.
GOTHAM CITY—Several of America’s greatest superheroes, including Superman and Spider-Man, say they “feel dumb” wearing tights and other “design affectations” like capes and masks and have agreed among themselves to stop doing it. “I’ve never been comfortable flying in my tights,” says Superman, also known as the man of steel. “I started wearing the costume in the late 1930s because I needed to protect my identity. But I also needed to convey a sense of separateness, otherwise people would constantly come to me and say they want to stop trains and out-run bullets. But the world has changed. Today, we have smartphones and tablets. People have moved on. What’s important today is authenticity.” More.
Fox News Chairman and CEO Roger Ailes is alleging in a lawsuit that aspiring news reporter Asheigh Carter tried to tempt him into infidelity as she sought a job on his popular cable news channel. “My client is traumatized and humiliated by the experience of having Ashleigh Carter stroke his chin and breathe into his ear during a meeting to discuss her qualifications to be a reporter for the Fox News team,” John Peterson, an attorney for Ailes, said in a statement. According to the statement, Carter, 25, a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, sent him pictures of her and promised him “moments he’ll remember” if he would just give her an interview. More.
In a rare moment of bipartisanship, Republicans and Democrats on the House Natural Resources Committee yesterday applauded U.S. wildlife officials for their decision not to set aside protected habitat areas for an endangered species of bats. “All of America’s wildlife are important, and we’re as worried about our bat population as anyone, but if we had to let one species go, it should probably be the bats,” Rob Bishop (R-Utah), chair of the committee, said yesterday. “While we hope the Department of Fish and Wildlife can work out a way to protect imperiled bats, if they can’t, we understand.” “Not all animals get protected habitat, it’s as simple as that,” said Jim Costa (D-Calif.), a senior member of the committee. More.
The New York Times sent teachers of English into a tizzy when it split an infinitive on its front page this morning. “Clinton Team Starts to Cautiously Look at Running Mates,” blares the headline in the April 24, 2016, morning edition of the Times, widely considered the newspaper of record of the United States. Reaction from teachers of English was swift—and harsh. “We spend hours each quarter teaching students not to split their infinitives,and what does The New York Times do? It splits an infinitive!” says Mabel Goldsmith, an English teacher in Public School 371 in the Bronx and chair of the school’s English Department. “We expect better from The New York Times.” More.
Fewer young Americans are getting into politics, a study has found, and that has lawmakers concerned for the nation’s future. “A healthy democracy relies on a steady flow of young people into politics to tackle our country’s pressing problems,” says Mary Benneto, professor of political science at the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University and the lead researcher on the study. “The findings we release today are a wake-up call that our nation’s increasingly negative political environment is driving away our best and brightest.” One profession in which the trend line is moving in a positive direction is professional wrestling. The study found a 15 percent increase in the number of young people going into careers in the pro wrestling industry over the last three years. That increase is almost an exact mirror of the decrease in new entrants to politics, which has seen a 16 percent decline in the same time period. More.
After a lifetime of making the lives of his three sons miserable, Ralph Murton got in one more dig by living to 100 while still showing no signs of slowing down. “I know my sons would like nothing more than to finally be rid of me, but if they think I’m going to let them off the hook, they’ve got another thing coming,” says Murton, an engineer who retired from Midwest Pacific Railroad in 1983. Murton says he knows perfectly well his sons think he’s a bastard, a harsh disciplinarian who seemed to enjoy punishing them for the slightest infractions when they were younger, like when Dan, his oldest son, accidentally tore his new jeans when he was in eighth grade. “They used to cringe when I came home from work, wondering if I was going to find something they did wrong,” says Murton. “Usually I did find something, because it’s not hard to find things when you have three sons.” More.