Report: God Using Trump to Reveal White House Secrets

dthogWASHINGTON—A report by the International Christian Conference says Donald Trump is part of God’s plan to demystify the presidency of the United States and reduce its power on the international stage. “For too long, the presidency of the United States has exercised disproportionate power over global events,” says the report, released today at the National Press Club here. “It is part of God’s plan for the universe for that to change with the election of Donald Trump as president.”

The report says Trump was able to win only “with God’s help” and that, under Trump, the American presidency “will be revealed to be an office that has no more power than any other office to influence events around the world.”

gsJohn Carpenter, president of the International Christian Conference, based in Houston, says America’s leadership of the world has resulted in “godless liberalism” throughout the West and its time for the aura of power around the White House to be exposed in the same way that Dorothy exposed the ordinary man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. “Is the presidency really as all-powerful as people make it out to be?” Carpenter said at the press event. “What this report shows is that, with the election of Donald Trump, the office is quite ordinary, and that should give confidence to leaders in other countries that they, too, have a voice in the direction of the world.”

Albert Smith, an Episcopalian minister in London who oversees the U.K. chapter of the International Christian Conference, says Trump is “quickly and systematically” revealing the “myth” behind the presidency. “With his tweets and the reality-show way he’s picking his cabinet, he’s showing that there’s nothing special about being president,” he said. “The way he calls up leaders of countries without caring who he offends—that’s another way he’s stripping the presidency of its mystique.”

Smith pointed to Trump’s phone call with the leader of Pakistan without first consulting U.S. State Department officials. That phone call upset the leaders of India, an American ally. He also pointed to Trump’s phone call with the leader of Taiwan, which upset the Chinese.

“Why would American voters put this bull in a China shop?” Smith said. “They didn’t. God did. It’s part of His plan to bring the American presidency down a notch. And that’s a good thing, God is saying to Americans, ‘You think you’re so smart, with your rule of law, free press, and blah, blah, blah? Well, you’re not, and to prove it, I’m going to make Donald Trump your president, and you’ll see that you’re like any other country. With your bozo president, you’ll be treated like a pariah and everyone will hate you. Nanny nanny, boo boo.'”

Franklin Graham, CEO of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and the son of the late, esteemed televangelist Billy Graham, condemned the report, saying it wrongly misreads what God’s intentions are for the United States. “I don’t dispute that God wanted Donald Trump to be president,” Graham said. “I sense God’s heart, and his heart wants Trump to be our president to make America great again. It’s not to strip the White House of its mystique. In fact, Trump will make the White House mystique even greater, by keeping the press at bay and opening up the nation’s libel laws. With his tweets and his management of what the world sees, he will restore the aura of invincibility to the office and, by extension, the United States.”

The International Christian Conference is making the report available for $12.99. Groups that purchase the report in bulk can get a discount of between 10 and 15 percent, depending on the size of the purchase. Purchases of 20 copies or more come with a coffee mug.

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): gs (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

More stories:

Diary: Trump Decided at 24 to Live His Life as Performance Art

md In a major discovery, a diary kept by Donald Trump when he was a young man reveals that the next president of the United States pledged at age 24 to live his life as performance art. “Everything I do, I will do as if the world is watching me at all times and in all places,” Trump writes in a diary entry in 1970. “If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? No!!” Later in the same entry, dated March 23, Trump contends he makes no sound in the world if no on is there to hear it. “What’s the point of doing anything if no one sees you do it?” he writes. “I could make all the money in the world, but if I’m not in The New York Times or on NBC TV, who cares? People who live their lives in obscurity, outside the public eye, live sad, pathetic lives. That will not be me!!” More.

What Else Does Trump Hold Together With Scotch Tape?

t2President-elect Donald Trump caused a stir December 3 when a photo of him exiting his plane showed he was using Scotch tape to hold his tie together. For a man who takes pride in his wealth and appearance, the incident made us wonder what else he’s holding together with Scotch tape. Here’s what we found. More.

Still Proud* to Be Americans, Americans Say*

pd

Americans say they’re still proud* to be Americans. That’s the theme of a group that Americans launched today, called America Proud!®, to express how proud* they are to be Americans, today and tomorrow. “We’re Americans first and always will be, and with our new organization, we’re telling the world that we stand tall* as Americans because we love our country,” says Jared Brown (not his real name), a ski instructor in Park City, Utah, who is president of the new group. More.

Christian Leaders, at Trump Rally, Can’t Understand Why More Americans are Identifying as Atheists

ljFranklin Graham III, son of the late televangelist Billy Graham, says he’s concerned for the country’s moral well-being because today almost a quarter of Americans identify as atheists or otherwise claim no religious affiliation, a sharp increase from a generation ago, when few people claimed no religious affiliation. “The United States is a country founded by Christians on the basis of Christian values, so it is very disturbing from a moral and spiritual standpoint that one out of every four Americans is not going to get into heaven,” said Graham, president and CEO of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. Graham was speaking at a rally in Charleston, S.C., for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. Other religious leaders, including Jerry Falwell, Jr., and James Robison, were at the event. More.

Trump Says He’ll Revenge Personal Slights on Behalf of All Americans

dt

NEW YORK CITY—President-elect Donald Trump said this morning he’ll take revenge on personal slights against him and humiliate his critics “on behalf of everyone in the United States” and not just on his own behalf. “No one wants to settle scores for all Americans more than I do,” he said while meeting with potential picks for his cabinet in Trump Tower. “I want people to know they can take pride when I hit back at someone doubly hard when they cross me. I take pride in that, and I hope all Americans will, too.”nTrump said he’s spent his life rewarding people who say nice things about him and striking back at people who call him names, and that won’t change now that he’ll be rewarding and striking back at people on behalf of everyone. More.

Religious People to Atheists: Stop Picking on God

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Photography_is_in_my_heart.jpg

Religious people the world over are sick and tired of people who don’t believe in God picking on the all-knowing, all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “What did He ever do to you?” says Sandra Borden, 54, an administrative assistant at Safe-T One Auto Insurance in Lexington, Ky. “Can’t you pick on someone else? Leave God alone!” Like many other religious people, Borden says that God, as the Creator of the World, can smite anyone He wants to and cause all kinds of duress for people, like he did to Job in the Bible. For that reason, atheists and other non-believers should just watch it. “He can rain down on you all the pestilence He wants,” she says. More.

No Gays in Iran, U.N. Report Concludes

Last laugh?

After seven years of investigation, a United Nations team of researchers has concluded that Iran does not have homosexuals, as former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asserted at Columbia University in 2007. In his statement seven years ago, while he was speaking in New York City, Ahmadinejad told his audience of mostly students and faculty that “In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you we have it.” At the time, the comment elicited laughter and some boos among the 700 people in the audience. But according to the U.N. team that has just delivered its comprehensive report to U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, Iran in fact has no homosexuals. More.

Desert Goat Herders say They Have the One, True God

primetribe of nomadic goat herders from a remote desert region say their jealous, spiteful, and misogynist God is the one true God for all the universe and for all time even though He might seem an odd fit for today’s world. “I know it is hard for you in the technologically advanced West to believe that you should be ruled by our God, who had nothing to say to anyone in the world until He chose to speak to our ancestors 2,000 years ago. But that is the fact of the matter,” says Lazarus Ben-ammi, leader of a tribe of desert goat herders who claim a direct line with God. The tribe is in New York City on the first stop of a world tour in which they explain why theirs is the one true God of all the universe. More.

Preacher Lacking Certification Can’t Speak for God

ssA man preaching God’s Word last night on a street corner in Los Angeles isn’t a true preacher, a group of religious leaders has charged, because the preacher has not been certified. “Only preachers who’ve been certified, for obvious reasons, have the right to preach God’s Word,” says a statement by the International Association of Religious Preachers, based in Houston. “Absent certification, anyone can pose as a preacher and claim to represent the Word of God. For that reason, it’s important that persons impersonating professional, certified preachers be enjoined from engaging in acts of uncertified religious preaching.” The accused preacher, Lemont Davis, was apprehended by Los Angeles police at 5:30 p.m. on the corner of Wilshire Blvd. and Beverly Blvd. According to the charge filed with the Los Angeles Municipal Court, Davis was claiming to “spread God’s Mercy,” with the aim of spurring a miracle on behalf of a homeless woman, Roberta Jackson, whose health is in decline. More.

ISBN Number From the Original Bible Discovered

greeneconnections/9416210247Special to The Guardian. In a find that stunned the world of religion, archaeologists digging in a remote region of the Sinai desert discovered what is believed to be the original Holy Bible from more than 2,000 years ago with its International Standard Book Publishing (ISBN) code still intact. “This is an almost unbelievable discovery,” says Alfred Pottersmith, lead curator of Middle East artifacts at the British Museum in London. “To think we could be holding in our hands the original bible from God’s disciples is humbling beyond words.” What gives archaeologists confidence the bible is the original Word of God, first edition, is the presence of the internationally recognized 9-digit numeric commercial book identifier code known as the ISBN code. More.

Trump to Name ‘Very Good Brain’ As Top Policy Advisor

Trump with newly named advisor

President-elect Donald Trump said he was appointing his “very good brain” to be one of his top advisors on both domestic and foreign policy. “I’ve always relied on my very good brain to decide what to do,” Trump said today at a press availability in his offices at Trump Tower in New York City. “When people would question whether I was doing the right thing or the wrong thing, I would consult my brain and do what makes most sense to it.” Trump said the policy insight of his brain is “the best ever” and there was never any doubt that he would tap his brain right from the start. “My brain has been with me from day one and it’s going to be with me from the day I take the oath of office,” he said. “It’s going to be terrific. There’s never been another advisor as good as this one. You’ll be very impressed.” More.

Christians Trademark ‘God,’ Other Key Religious Terms

god

God®

Jews, Muslims, and peoples of other faiths in the United States will have to scramble to find ways to talk about the omnipotent, omnipresent deity referred to as God®, because American Christians have successfully trademarked the term “God®” along with “Savior®” and “Holy Father®.” “It’s a great day for American Christians of all types,” says Edward Reynolds, head pastor of the Ecumenical Christian Church, U.S.A., based in Foxborough, Mass. “For more than 200 years, peoples of Abrahamic faiths in the United States have peacefully shared among themselves the use of the term “God®” and other important religious words, but today the terms have been provided a permanent home with American Christians, which, as we’ve been arguing for years, is the rightful place for them.” More.

 

Advertisements