WASHINGTON—A report by the International Christian Conference says Donald Trump is part of God’s plan to demystify the presidency of the United States and reduce its power on the international stage. “For too long, the presidency of the United States has exercised disproportionate power over global events,” says the report, released today at the National Press Club here. “It is part of God’s plan for the universe for that to change with the election of Donald Trump as president.”
The report says Trump was able to win only “with God’s help” and that, under Trump, the American presidency “will be revealed to be an office that has no more power than any other office to influence events around the world.”
John Carpenter, president of the International Christian Conference, based in Houston, says America’s leadership of the world has resulted in “godless liberalism” throughout the West and its time for the aura of power around the White House to be exposed in the same way that Dorothy exposed the ordinary man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. “Is the presidency really as all-powerful as people make it out to be?” Carpenter said at the press event. “What this report shows is that, with the election of Donald Trump, the office is quite ordinary, and that should give confidence to leaders in other countries that they, too, have a voice in the direction of the world.”
Albert Smith, an Episcopalian minister in London who oversees the U.K. chapter of the International Christian Conference, says Trump is “quickly and systematically” revealing the “myth” behind the presidency. “With his tweets and the reality-show way he’s picking his cabinet, he’s showing that there’s nothing special about being president,” he said. “The way he calls up leaders of countries without caring who he offends—that’s another way he’s stripping the presidency of its mystique.”
Smith pointed to Trump’s phone call with the leader of Pakistan without first consulting U.S. State Department officials. That phone call upset the leaders of India, an American ally. He also pointed to Trump’s phone call with the leader of Taiwan, which upset the Chinese.
“Why would American voters put this bull in a China shop?” Smith said. “They didn’t. God did. It’s part of His plan to bring the American presidency down a notch. And that’s a good thing, God is saying to Americans, ‘You think you’re so smart, with your rule of law, free press, and blah, blah, blah? Well, you’re not, and to prove it, I’m going to make Donald Trump your president, and you’ll see that you’re like any other country. With your bozo president, you’ll be treated like a pariah and everyone will hate you. Nanny nanny, boo boo.'”
Franklin Graham, CEO of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and the son of the late, esteemed televangelist Billy Graham, condemned the report, saying it wrongly misreads what God’s intentions are for the United States. “I don’t dispute that God wanted Donald Trump to be president,” Graham said. “I sense God’s heart, and his heart wants Trump to be our president to make America great again. It’s not to strip the White House of its mystique. In fact, Trump will make the White House mystique even greater, by keeping the press at bay and opening up the nation’s libel laws. With his tweets and his management of what the world sees, he will restore the aura of invincibility to the office and, by extension, the United States.”
The International Christian Conference is making the report available for $12.99. Groups that purchase the report in bulk can get a discount of between 10 and 15 percent, depending on the size of the purchase. Purchases of 20 copies or more come with a coffee mug.
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): gs (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
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