Trump Says He’ll Revenge Personal Slights on Behalf of All Americans

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‘Will hit back for you’

NEW YORK CITY—President-elect Donald Trump said this morning he’ll take revenge on personal slights against him and humiliate his critics “on behalf of everyone in the United States” and not just on his own behalf. “No one wants to settle scores for all Americans more than I do,” he said while meeting with potential picks for his cabinet in Trump Tower. “I want people to know they can take pride when I hit back at someone doubly hard when they cross me. I take pride in that, and I hope all Americans will, too.”

Trump said he’s spent his life rewarding people who say nice things about him and striking back at people who call him names, and that won’t change now that he’ll be rewarding and striking back at people on behalf of everyone.

“Russian president Vladimir Putin has been very nice to me and when I say I like that, I say I like that on behalf of all Americans,” he said. “And when someone calls me a fraud or an idiot, I won’t rest until I’ve humiliated that person in some way. And when I use Twitter or a cable news show to do that, I’m doing that for Americans whether they’re white or black or Latino.”
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Trump said he already has several tweets lined up to embarrass people and organizations who’ve said nasty things about him since he won the electoral vote but lost the popular vote by more than two million. “I’ve said Hillary Clinton ‘won’ the popular vote only because millions of people voted illegally,” he said. “And I’ve got tweets I’ll be firing off in the early hours of the morning in the coming weeks that will really hit people hard when they say I’m just fanning the flames of conspiracy theories.”

Trump said he also has tweets lined up to hit back on people who say his transition process is the most chaotic anyone can remember. “My transition is the smoothest that has ever occurred, and I won’t let people who say otherwise forget it,” he said. “All Americans can take pride in that. As I said, as your president, I will nurse my grudges for you as well as for me.”

Janice Pine, a homemaker in Canton, Ohio, who voted for Trump because he promised to make America great again, said she has led a very tough life and is taking a lot of satisfaction in Trump’s efforts to retaliate against his critics. “Every time he calls someone a loser, I feel like I’m calling someone a loser,” she said. “That feels good, because I hate my job, barely make any money, and I know there are people who are doing better than me that don’t deserve it. I’m not just talking about the blacks and the illegals; I’m talking about some whites, too.”

Pine pointed to one woman she works with who gets treated better than she does even though she’s seen her shop for birthday gifts on Amazon when she’s suppose to be transcribing a letter or something. “Everyone thinks she’s wonderful,” she said. “I hate her.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): pd (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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